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The Dangers of Emo (As Told By Local News Reporters)

If you look up the word "emo" online, you'll find that it's a genre of music, popular amongst young people, that is rooted in punk and hardcore.

 

Or is it? Appalled by the emo propaganda circulating the Internet, many local news stations have launched their own "Special Emo Reports." Let's just say these reports get a little overdramatic. If you were a parent, and the only thing you knew about emo culture was what you saw on a local news station, you would probably think that emo is a secret term for depressed teenagers who dress all in black, bend genders, do drugs, cut themselves, and host gay make-out sessions while simultaneously plotting a school shooting and their own suicide. And that's only, like, half-right.

 

Let's take a look at some Emo Reports on local news stations and see what "lessons" we can learn from them. While we're at it, let's also grade each station on its ability to turn a seemingly innocent musical trend into the most dangerous thing that has ever happened to anyone ever.

 

 

1) WDAZ TV - Grand Forks, ND

 

 

 

 

What we "learned" about emo from this video:

 

-Emo is short for emotional.

-Emo fans are expressing their inner pain through their music, clothes and actions.

-Some emo kids cut themselves.

-You get "emo points" for doing certain things, like wearing tight sweaters.

-Emo fans comb their hair to cover one eye so they can see the world in "half view."

-Cutting isn't due to mental illness; emos do it because it's fashionable and cool.

-People with emo friends are very concerned for their well-being.

 

Most dramatic reporter quotes:

 

"Emos, or emotional people, are first noticed by what they wear... but it's what they do that's dangerous."

 

"You hit the jackpot if you attempt suicide!"

 

"We talked to several school districts and this problem is happening all over."

 

Funny reporter name: Lacey Crisp

 

Other top story: There is a snow system developing.

 

Emo News Report Checklist:

 

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? No

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? Yes

Did they interview non-emo kids? Yes

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? Yes

Did the report include a non-emo band? No

 

Final Grade: B+.

 

Overall, a good report. Interviewing a police officer was a smart choice, as was the line about the problem spreading to different school systems. It made it sound like they were talking about a deadly flu or something.

 

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