TOM: Why are we watching this? Carrie Underwood was already on.

TED: Shut up, you know you're gonna write about it tomorrow.

TOM: Fine, get me a beer.

And that's how I ended up watching the CMAs. I'm easy.

Here are the cliff notes:

Carrie Underwood: Obviously Future Wife looked beautiful, but she also gave a strong performance. That sounds dirty, and believe me, I wish it was, but what I mean is she sang well. Her performance of her new single, "So Small," sounded nearly identical to the studio version, which is an impressive feat considering her powerful vocals on the album. Carrie won the award for Female Vocalist of the Year. She also took home the award for Single of the Year ("Before He Cheats"). Also, she looked really hot. I know I already said that, but I felt the need to reinforce it.

Brad Paisley: Paisley won the award for Best Male Vocalist, then said, "I've always wanted to win this award at least once." You have to respect his honesty.

Kenny Chesney: Chesney won the award for Entertainer of the Year. Here's what I don't get. Paisley was Best Male Vocalist, but Kenny Chesney, who is a male, was the Entertainer of the Year. Are they saying that Paisley isn't a good entertainer, that Chesney can't sing, or that singing isn't really the kind of entertainment they're looking for out of country singers? Chesney also won for Musical Event of the Year. Now that's the kind of award I'd want to win. All these guys can sing and entertain, but only Kenny Chesney is an event.

Taylor Swift: Is she hot? I can't tell. Of course, she's only 17, so she's still got some maturing to do. I could sit here and break this down all day like I was Mel Kiper, but let's just wait a couple years and see what happens. Regardless, she's got a soon-to-be hit song -- "Teardrops on a Guitar," it's posted below, you pop fans should get yourself acquainted -- and she just won the Horizon Award, which is basically Best New Artist. That's a big deal because, much like with Detroit rap battles, you only get one shot. While accepting the award, Swift held back tears to say "this is highlight of my senior year!" It was adorable. Swift has a bright future with country fans and perverts on the Internet, which as we all know, are the two fastest-growing demographics in America. Congrats, Taylor!

Sugarland: I guess they won some award. Honestly, I don't even know who they are, I always thought Rascal Flatts was Sugarland and Brooks & Dunn was Rascal Flatts. Remind me, which one of you guys is comin' to my cit-ay?

The Country Uniform: ...which brings me to my next point. Every country singer dresses the same. I can tell the women apart, but you could easily substitute any country guy in for another and I would have no idea. You want to be a country singer? You'll need a pair of cowboy boots, tight boot-cut jeans, a Vincent Chase-style tight long sleeve shirt, a goatee, and a black cowboy hat. I watched most of the CMAs, and 98% of the guys were dressed this way. It's the country equivalent of the bare midriff (pop), leather pants (cock-rock), or the house with the Scarface poster in it (rap). In fact, at the end of the CMAs, some deep-voiced guy came out to perform who wasn't wearing a hat, and I actually turned to Ted and said, "wait... who's this guy and why isn't he following the dress code?"

The Politeness: Every country singer is so polite. You don't get any of those Kanye-esque rants at country shows. Everyone goes up there, says something about "what an honor" the award is, and how they can't believe they won with "all the other great people nominated in this category." It made me realize something. Country needs a bad ass. You've got guys like Toby Keith, but even when he's singing about shoving a boot up terrorists' asses, he's really not that bad ass. Country music needs a Happy Gilmore; a guy who shuns Nashville to live in L.A., hangs out with the dudes from "Laguna Beach," dates one of the Kardashians, disrespects the legends of country, calls Dolly Parton a "skank," etc etc. He would be a total dick, but he'd write such catchy songs that country fans wouldn't be able to stop themselves from buying his albums. It would make the genre so much more interesting. Right now it's like the Stepford Wives with twang.

Alright, I think that covers everything. Country music is taking over the world, embrace it now.