Ah, Tom DeLonge! It's been too long, and I missed you so! Shoutmouth's favorite motormouth son has been doing some interviews about the upcoming Angels & Airwaves documentary, "Start the Machine." And while not balls-out insane, he's had a few things to say that will probably make people raise an eyebrow or two....

 

For example, when asked about punk, Tom said:

Punk is good for teenagers to find themselves and identify with something; it’s really stupid for adults to talk about it because it’s just fashion. We’re still listening to the same shit, but we don’t go around like we’re part of this little group of kids that are pissed and elitist because that’s something you got to do to make yourself feel better.

What does he mean by "talk about"? And does being an adult honestly mean you lose the need and desire to identify with something? If so... I suppose I've missed out on some of the things about this here "adulthood." To be honest, that's fine with me. Then again, I also see his point: it's not like I run around screaming "punk's not dead!" or ever refer to myself as "a punk." But yet again, I don't think it makes sense to dismiss a perfectly descriptive word that can fit many different situations. Ah, really, the more I try to analyze this, the more confused it makes me. I honestly think T.D. just really hates his roots, more than anything.

 

Let's move on to pretentious-ville, which is my favorite area to see Mr. DeLonge foray into. When asked how he envisions Angels & Airwaves, he gave one of the best answers I have ever enjoyed being horrified by: "We don’t like to call ourselves a band; we like to call it a fine arts project because we see ourselves doing a lot of different things."

 

I'm pretty sure this registers off the scale of any pre-existing meter that could be used to judge a pretentious statement. It's amazing on so many levels. DeLonge never lets me down.

 

But here's the ultimate Tom DeLonge quote, concerning the "hype" [batshit crazy, pretentious, etc] statements he made in the time leading up to the release of the band's first album:

 

I wasn’t sober, that’s why. I was fucking with people to a degree, but what I couldn’t understand was for 10 years I said I fucked dogs, now I say this and people really want to believe me. I did feel and believe those things, but I had no clue how to communicate because I was spun out on painkillers. It caused a lot of controversy, which I knew would happen. It was rad but also a timebomb ready to explode. When you see the documentary, you’ll see the band going, “Dude, will you shut up?”

 

Now, I was particularly interested in the fact that his band was interested in him shutting up, as that seems like the funniest part. Even they couldn't take the things about being 30 years ahead of his time, or how to listen to the album [looking over cliffs, etc.]... and then I realized something: Tom DeLonge just said he fucked dogs. He just flat-out said he fucked dogs. Now, I'm not sure if I just missed this by not being the world's biggest Blink-182 fan, but... how did this escape my never-blinking Eye on DeLonge? And why on earth is he saying such things when he talks about being on drugs in the past tense?

 

My mind is officially blown. I'm sure he's just screwing with people, but I will forever hold this as a fact, and it really does explain a lot about why I have always found his face to be incredibly creepy. And seeing as I have a dog, DeLonge just lost out on a dinner invite the next time he's in New York.

 

 

The mystery of Angels & Airwaves has been unlocked. A lot has been said about Tom DeLonge and his band, thanks to comments DeLonge made in the press during the past couple of years. He said that A&A's music would change people's lives, and made the old John Lennon mistake of saying his band was bigger than God.

 

Turns out DeLonge was hopped up on painkillers when he made these statements. During an MTV interview, DeLonge said:

 

I broke my back years ago and got spun out on all these narcotics, so when we were making the first Angels & Airwaves record [We Don't Need to Whisper] all that stuff kind of exploded and I went out into the press with all these crazy things and all this controversy erupted.

 

That makes too much sense. But I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed. Since Angels & Airwaves formed, all you hear about is how pretentious DeLonge is. I've always maintained that he was pulling a prank on the world. The dude ran around in underwear with Blink182, and now all of a sudden he's supposed to be a pretentious jackass? I didn't buy it. And now we know the truth, that Vicodin apparently makes you think you're the second coming of Jesus. No wonder Brett Favre had that "I'm bigger than God" patch on his jersey back in '96.

 

It would've been WAY cooler if DeLonge's pseudo-pretentious quotes were just a clever prank, instead of a result of drug usage. Regardless of the real reason for DeLonge's quotes, I think he should start playing it off as a prank. "Oh, you guys thought I was serious when I said our record would be bigger than God? Gotcha, suckers!" Then he could play it off as an example of how things get twisted in the media, and the how public is fickle, etc etc. Painkiller addictions are so 2005. Then again, Christ fantasies are so 2001, so I guess the painkiller thing is a step up. Maybe he's trying to bring painkiller addictions back? If so, I'd like to take this opportunity to blame the following things on painkillers...

 

-The time I told Liz I would meet her and then blew her off to play beer pong

-The time I said I would clean the kitchen then watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" instead

-That year where I didn't pay my taxes to the IRS

-The time I killed a drifter just to see what it felt like

 

Yep, sorry everyone, those painkillers are a bitch!

 

 

[PS - Can we show a little respect for the Holy Spirit? How often do we hear about people comparing themselves to Jesus or God? And yet, the Holy Spirit never gets mentioned. It's a holy triumverate, meaning the ol' HS should be getting 1/3 the props. The Holy Spirit needs to hire a new marketing team, ASAP.]

 

 

We already know that listening to Angels & Airwaves changes lives.

 

This week, 66,000 people chose to have their lives changed by purchasing A&A's new album, I-Empire. The album debuted at #9 on the Billboard chart. The top five spots were occupied by Jay-Z, The Eagles, Garth Brooks, Chris Brown and My Future Wife, respectively.

 

To all you people who purchased I-Empire, you're probably wondering what amazing life changes await you. Remember, singer Tom DeLonge said that listening to A&A would begin a 30-year period of life-changing, so don't expect vast differences overnight. Some of the short-term life changes you can expect to experience include shortness of breath, cramps, blurred vision, headaches, and loss of appetite. These are also the symptoms of dehydration, so you're going to want to make sure that your life is really being changed, and you're not just hungover. If you're unsure, here is a quick checklist:

 

A) Are you currently questioning the infinite possibilities of human existence?

 

B) Are you missing your wallet?

 

C) Is your head constantly replaying expansive pop/rock compositions?

 

D) Is there a strange girl's number in your cell phone?

 

If you answered A or C, then you've probably been listening to Angels & Airwaves. If you answered B or D, then you're probably hungover. Either way, take a couple Advil and you'll be fine.

 

 

Angels & Airwaves have a new album out this week, called I-Empire.

 

Since the band began, singer Tom DeLonge has repeatedly claimed that listening to A&A is a life-changing experience. In fact, he said that the life-changing will occur over a period of 30 years (this being year 2 of the process). Listen to Angels & Airwaves, and in just 30 short years, your life will be completely different. If you think I'm making this up, I'm not. Here's the story.

 

Last week, in anticipation of I-Empire's release, Tom told fans what he thinks the ideal listening experience would be. He said:

 

Please take a short 55 minutes to enjoy the album. Listen to it blasting from your car, maybe on a hill over-looking a city... and all the while, pretend that the city, as it stretches far beyond the horizon, is all yours for the taking.

 

Yeah...

 

I downloaded I-Empire earlier today and prepared to have my life changed. However, I forgot to heed Tom's advice, thus endangering my potential for life changing. Fortunately, I was IMing with my colleague pixie at the time, and she saved me from what would have surely been a non-life-changing disaster.

 

Here is the unedited transcript:

 

TomZ: my life is currently being changed
pixie: Haha
pixie: At first, I thought -- oh god, what NOW?
TomZ: first song, not that bad
TomZ: I've only listend to one song
pixie: what I have heard of it... it's a lot better than the first album
TomZ: my life changes have been minimal so far
pixie: 28.7 years before you get the full effect
TomZ: wait
TomZ: my life just changed
pixie: impressive
TomZ: no wait, i'm just thirsty
pixie: that's a change
pixie: wait!!!
pixie: TOM
pixie: you are supposed to be overlooking a city
pixie: on a cliff
TomZ: oh shit
pixie: imagining it is all yours
pixie: you're doing it wrong!
TomZ: I stopped it
TomZ: I'm in a room overlooking a swingset right now
TomZ: that's not right
pixie: seriously, you could actually lower your chances of life change if you don't do it correctly
TomZ: thank god you're here
pixie: maybe you could build a lego city
pixie: and overlook that
TomZ: would that work
pixie: if you can't find a proper cliff
TomZ: what are the rules about this "city"
TomZ: is there a population minimum
pixie: he didn't mention that
TomZ: could I be on a cliff in schenectady NY
TomZ: or does it have to be a major metropolis
pixie: you're definitely supposed to feel like you can conquer the city
TomZ: I can conquer schenectady
pixie: again, not specified... but I think you'll be okay
TomZ: well, what's the point of conquering a city if it's not a city you want to conquer
pixie: maybe you are supposed to start small
pixie: and then build up to say, taking out Tokyo
pixie: 30 year plan and all?
TomZ: yeah, well that's the flip side, I don't want to overextend
pixie: right, you can't just march up to San Francisco and take it right this second
TomZ: godzilla had it all wrong
TomZ: I'm gonna conquer tokyo by listening to angels & airwvaes
pixie: Nice.

 

 

I'm off to find a mountain. If you're going to listen to I-Empire, please, be careful.

Reportedly, Tom DeLonge is selling his 5-bedroom, 5.5-bathroom Rancho Santa Fe, California home. For just under $8 million, you, too, can live like the lead singer of Angels and Airwaves. Of course, if you prefer, you can run around in your white underpants and pretend to be old Blink-182 Tom DeLonge. Either way, I am sure he wants you to buy the house.

Get them while you can, as it's pretty clear this site is going down sooner than later. If you don't get them now, you will have to wait until November 6th to have your life changed.

Really, though... this stuff is way better than the first album. Maybe Tom DeLonge's 30-year-plan has some merit, after all.

Ludacris, Busta Rhymes, Fabolous, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Angels & Airwaves will treat more than 5,000 youth volunteers for Boost Mobile to a Radio City Music Hall concert. I guess Nick Cannon wasn't available for all the teeny-boppers.

The band has released the first video off their new CD, I-Empire, which hits stores on November 6th. The video is for the first single, "Everything's Magic." Watch it here and now.

This should give the band time to add approximately 15% more pretension to the album.

If you're in Southern California, over 18, and fit any number of "stereotypical looks" send along 2-3 photos. Look your best: TOM DELONGE WILL BE JUDGING YOU.