Here's the far more rushed post they put up today:

since we posted the last entry, we’ve gotten tons of phone calls and people posting things on websites saying that we are breaking up. i just want to make it clear, though, that by posting two nights ago we weren’t saying the band was over. we posted because we are going through hard times and we felt that because we have a really good support system in you guys, our fans, it would be better for us to just be honest about what’s going on - even though, it was a pretty vague explanation. man, some of the rumors that i’ve heard going around are insane! it’s weird how out of hand things can get even when you just try to tell a simple truth. (for the record, my eggo is not preggo). anyway, we just need to take time to make this band the best it can be… and we are doing that now.thank you for all the love and the encouragement you guys have shown. and WE WILL! be seeing you guys on the 27th of March in Orlando, FL

Where shall I place the over/under on "too bad" or "damnit!" posts?

I also lose about, oh, 6,000 respect points for Hayley Williams -- who I already had an issue with for any and every "did you dye your hair like that because of Paramore?" comment I've ever gotten [answer: "no, she does hers that way because of me"] -- for using "my eggo is not preggo." Disgusting! Little "cute" abbreviations and slang like that actually hurt me more than someone rubbing balloons between their legs while scratching their nails down a chalkboard.

Anyway, it looks like Paramore lives... for now. But we'll see how they fare if they do actually head out on that March tour... I'm still betting it won't last.

As most of you already know, we have cancelled the rest of our UK/Europe RIOT Tour. First of all, we want to say we are so sorry for letting all of you down. We feel terrible about it and really didn’t expect for this to happen. It probably doesn’t sound like much but we just hate that we won’t get to play this show for those of you who had hoped to see it. There are a lot of internal issues that have been going on in this band for quite a while now. A lot of it started right around the time we were gearing up for the RIOT Tour in the US. We were able to fight through all of it for this long but unfortunately we weren’t able to keep it together long enough to make it through ’til the end of this tour. We really feel that taking this time is going to give us a chance to get away and work out our personal issues at home and on our own terms. We just aren’t willing to risk the life of our band over one tour. That probably sounds terrible right now, to say that finishing a week of shows wasn’t worth it… but if we can use this next month wisely then we will be a lot healthier for the tours ahead. We hope that - even though it might be hard to understand - that you guys can support us at this time.

Maybe one day we will tell the whole story but for now, just know that all five of us are going to work so hard to get it right. You deserve that and we deserve to make this last as long as possible - and to enjoy every second of it. We love you guys so much. If you could pray for us or just keep us in your thoughts it would be really helpful. You guys have gotten us so far and been the best motivators since day one. We are so sorry for the trouble we caused you guys who bought tickets, fan club members and to all the promoters and venues that we won’t be there to put on a show for. We are extremely sorry to New Found Glory and all their fans who wanted to put on and see a show and who we’ve let down. And lastly, to Lost Alone.

 

We will keep you guys updated.
Love,
Hayley, Jeremy, Josh, Zac and Taylor

Gee, you think it's a bit weird that they couldn't finish a week of shows? And maybe sound terrible to the fans? Speculation is sure to abound as to what the problems are -- I'm thinking they can use the month to make a video akin to No Doubt's "Don't Speak" during their time off. This way they don't have to tell the story... they can show it. It's pretty simple, really. Four dudes [I have to be honest -- I did not know there were four other people in Paramore] are sick of playing music for the superstar girl who gets all the attention.

Now, when they do break up and they go their separate ways, how will Hayley express herself? Gwen Stefani has the market cornered on Japan, so I'm thinking Haley goes Middle Eastern on us. You may not think the burka is as sexy as the Japanese schoolgirl look, but Hayley does have nice eyes... she'll make it work. And considering the women in the Middle East are pretty subservient, her posse will be far superior to Gwen's when it comes to catering to all her needs. Because she's tangentially emo, she has a clothing line in her bloodline already, so that's covered.

Finally, she will have to marry Doug Robb of Hoobastank, squeeze out a few kids, and become totally obsessed with them. She'll also have to release some horrid, vapid pop while promising to reunite Paramore.

They guys, meanwhile, will fall asleep with their cell phones in their hands, just waiting for the call that puts them back to work.

Yep... I have it all figured out. This story pretty much covers all the Paramore news between now and 2010, by the way, since this is exactly what will happen.

With album sales in decline, the goal of record labels is to turn their artists into more than just musicians. They want artists to be brand names. If this concept sounds familiar, it's probably because you saw the episode of "Entourage" where Vince looks for a new agent, and they all give really corporate-sounding presentations and say things like "Coca-Cola... Apple... Vincent Chase."

One "brand name" artist that the article mentions specifically is Hayley Williams, the 18-year old singer of Paramore. From the Times:

Though its success is in large part due to smart pop songwriting and a fashion-forward frontwoman, music executives and talent managers also cite Paramore as a promising example of a rising new model for developing talent.

Because kids love Hayley, they want to buy stuff like Paramore t-shirts and orange hair dye. Like any good businesspeople, Paramore's label recognized this weakness and proceeded to exploit the sh*t out of it (much like a hawk swooping in on a wounded squirrel). That might sound bad, but it's exactly what they should do. With these 360 deals, labels make more money, bands make better music, and your little sister inadvertantly turns her scalp orange during an errant dye-job, allowing you to make fun of her for weeks. It's a win-win-win.