Many people are shocked when a former All-American pop idol ends up as a scandal-plagued tabloid punch-line. But they shouldn't be, because it has been happening for years.

The names may change, but the "Behind The Music" remains the same. Like a bottle rocket soaring to astonishing new heights and lighting up the night sky, only to eventually run out of juice and come crashing down onto the neighbor's roof, thus is the trajectory of a pop star.

Let's take a closer look at the trajectory of a female pop star.

As you may have seen earlier, today marks the 20th anniversary of Whitesnake's triumphant rise to the top of the charts with the song "Here I Go Again."

This song is not just another hair-metal anthem or party song. Oh no. As everyone who has every been to a bar knows, this is one of the biggest party-starting anthems in our nation's history.



A lot of songs can get people fired up, but when it comes down to it, there are three songs that have always started the party better than the rest. This is the Triumvirate of Party-Starting Anthems...

We all know that the ongoing writers' strike is affecting television audiences. I mean, if your daily routine consisted of getting baked and watching "The Colbert Report," what are you supposed to do now? Read a book? Come on. But what you might not realize is that viewers aren't the only ones suffering. A lot of bands have had their scheduled late night television appearances canceled as a result of the strike. To a major star -- for example Alicia Keys, whose appearance on "The Late Show" was canceled -- missing a late night TV appearance isn't a huge deal. However, for those acts that aren't at the top tier of popularity, it really sucks.

 

Some acts affected by the strike include Jimmy Eat World, the Hives, the Plain White T's, Motion City Soundtrack and Band of Horses. Even Kid Rock and Amy Winehouse, who both missed "SNL" performances (a surefire sales boost), have suffered. One of the bands that got screwed over the worst was indie act Grizzly Bear, who had been rehearsing for weeks with a six person choir. That's a big sunk cost. You can't write off a six person choir; believe me, I tried in 2004 and the Feds were all over my ass.

 

This strike is affecting everyone and it needs to stop. Now, I understand the writers wanting to get their fair share of profits, but in the long run, what is that money really worth? When I ghost-wrote Fergie's solo album in 17 minutes, I made the mistake of not getting a solid royalty rate, and I've been paying for it ever since. You think it was fun hearing "Fergalicious" every ten minutes and knowing that I had lost out on millions in potential revenue? It sucked, man. But you know what? At least I achieved that sense of accomplishment that comes along with creating an outstanding piece of art. Every time I turn on my radio and I hear the spoken-word breakdown in "Clumsy," I can look in the mirror with pride and say to myself, "Wow. I made this." It's not all about the money, you know?

 

 

The mystery of Angels & Airwaves has been unlocked. A lot has been said about Tom DeLonge and his band, thanks to comments DeLonge made in the press during the past couple of years. He said that A&A's music would change people's lives, and made the old John Lennon mistake of saying his band was bigger than God.

 

Turns out DeLonge was hopped up on painkillers when he made these statements. During an MTV interview, DeLonge said:

 

I broke my back years ago and got spun out on all these narcotics, so when we were making the first Angels & Airwaves record [We Don't Need to Whisper] all that stuff kind of exploded and I went out into the press with all these crazy things and all this controversy erupted.

 

That makes too much sense. But I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed. Since Angels & Airwaves formed, all you hear about is how pretentious DeLonge is. I've always maintained that he was pulling a prank on the world. The dude ran around in underwear with Blink182, and now all of a sudden he's supposed to be a pretentious jackass? I didn't buy it. And now we know the truth, that Vicodin apparently makes you think you're the second coming of Jesus. No wonder Brett Favre had that "I'm bigger than God" patch on his jersey back in '96.

 

It would've been WAY cooler if DeLonge's pseudo-pretentious quotes were just a clever prank, instead of a result of drug usage. Regardless of the real reason for DeLonge's quotes, I think he should start playing it off as a prank. "Oh, you guys thought I was serious when I said our record would be bigger than God? Gotcha, suckers!" Then he could play it off as an example of how things get twisted in the media, and the how public is fickle, etc etc. Painkiller addictions are so 2005. Then again, Christ fantasies are so 2001, so I guess the painkiller thing is a step up. Maybe he's trying to bring painkiller addictions back? If so, I'd like to take this opportunity to blame the following things on painkillers...

 

-The time I told Liz I would meet her and then blew her off to play beer pong

-The time I said I would clean the kitchen then watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" instead

-That year where I didn't pay my taxes to the IRS

-The time I killed a drifter just to see what it felt like

 

Yep, sorry everyone, those painkillers are a bitch!

 

 

[PS - Can we show a little respect for the Holy Spirit? How often do we hear about people comparing themselves to Jesus or God? And yet, the Holy Spirit never gets mentioned. It's a holy triumverate, meaning the ol' HS should be getting 1/3 the props. The Holy Spirit needs to hire a new marketing team, ASAP.]

 

 

I am going to be the worst parent ever. Don't get me wrong, I'll love my kids very dearly, but when they ask for sh*t like Hannah Montana tickets, I'm going to try Ticketmaster once, find out the concert is sold out, and then tell them to shut the hell up and play with blocks like I used to when I was growing up (blatantly disregarding the fact that I grew up with Super Nintendo and adjustable basketball hoops).

 

And that's why Jody Powell, despite his effeminate name, is twice the father I'll ever be. The 35-year old Powell just won his 7-year old daughter tickets to next week's Hannah Montana concert in Tampa by... get this... holding onto a statue for 6 days straight.

 

Now granted, he did get a bathroom break every 3 hours, and they did bring him meals. And the prize included $5,000 and backstage passes. But still, this guy spent the majority of six straight days with his hand on a giant Hannah Montana statue. Oh yeah, did I mention that part? It was a 12-foot statue of Hannah Montana. He couldn't read books, talk on the phone, or use an iPod. Books suck, so whatever, but no phone calls or iPods? That's horrible. If I had the choice between holding a statue for 6 days with no iPod, or getting stabbed, I'd have to seriously think about it.

 

Here's how bad it got: The second place finisher, a woman named Lara Padgett, lost on the sixth day when the Florida sun drained all of her energy and she had to be TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL and treated. This woman almost died to get her kid Hannah Montana tickets. Which, to me, proves two things.

 

1) Men really are better than women at everything.

 

2) Some people go to insane lengths to make their children happy.

 

Well, here's the thing. Happiness is a state of mind. So when you take a week off from work and almost kill yourself to get Hannah Montana tickets, what's next? Kids aren't really the appreciative type; they'll just expect that same kind of dedication the next time they want something. "Mommy, why can't I see Bee Movie? I don't care if it's sold out!!! Why won't you hold a statue again and win tickets?!?!?! AAAHHHH!!!!" Then the crying starts, and you have to lock the kid in the car, and of course that's when your neighbor comes over to borrow a rake and things get really awkward.

 

That's why, when I'm a father, much in the same way that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, I'm going to bring discipline back. I'm not as marketable as JT, but I think this will catch on. Kids these days have it too easy and it's time for parents to take back control. What's the point in spoiling your kid when they won't even remember it in ten years anyway? If I have a daughter... well, she's getting locked in the basement til she's 30, so that won't be an issue. But if I have a son, he's just going to have to learn some hard lessons, like "you can't always get what you want" and "daddy doesn't hold onto statues for six days because it cuts into his drinking."

 

Which brings us to our question of the day/weekend. What would it take for you to hold on to a statue for six straight days? I mean, obviously you're going to do it for a new house or a million dollars, but for concert tickets? What about the chance to meet someone famous? Even for the chance to meet my idol, Eddie Vedder, I could probably make it, like, 3 hours. After that I'd say "f**k this, I'd rather just listen to the CD" and give up.

 

Is there any concert that would inspire you to hold a statue for 6 days straight? Is there any famous person who you'd hold a statue for six days to meet? And why do kids get whatever they want?

 

The questions keep piling up.

 

 

Hey Everyone,

 

We are giving away two Relient K Christmas prize packages.

 

These prize packs include a copy of Relient K's new Christmas album Let It Snow Baby... Let It Reindeer, plus a Relient K poster and stickers.

 

To enter, send an email to contests@shoutmouth.com. Include your name, email, and mailing address, and put "Relient K Christmas Contest" in the subject line.

 

The cut-off date to enter is Monday, December 3rd.

 

 

(Click here to read more and see holiday pictures of the band...)

 

Though it doesn't get much publicity, there's a Presidential election next year. In anticipation of said election, an organization called HeadCount is appearing at concerts nationwide to try and get people to register to vote. The non-partisan organization will be traveling with acts such as Dave Matthews, Santana and Maroon 5. So, when Dave Matthews goes into a 37-minute jam on the song "#41," you can take the opportunity to get yourself a shirt, maybe grab a hot dog, and register to vote.

 

If registering to vote at a concert sounds a little weird, it's actually nothing new. Yours truly registered to vote at a Pearl Jam concert in 2003. Then I cast my vote in the 2004 election for Eddie Vedder. I guess he didn't win, but regardless, I did my part and contributed to the democratic tradition.

 

You know how some people say, "if you don't vote, you can't complain?" I vote so I can tell those people to go away. Whatever your reasoning, it's important you get registered and go out next year to vote. Sure, the process of voting is annoying, and it doesn't really make a difference, but it's something that you have to do anyway, kind of like vacuuming the living room before you have company over. And hell, if nothing else, you get out of work for an hour. What is your boss going to say? "No, you can't leave work and vote"? He'd be a Communist, and then you could probably get him fired and take his job. So yeah, voting has its advantages. I only wish they could make it a little easier. We can put ATMs in bars, but we still have to go to a church basement and wait in line to vote? Get with the times, electoral college.

 

Go to HeadCount.org if you want to volunteer/watch free concerts.

 

 

(Diddy is in no way involved with this campaign, but that picture is hilarious.)

 

 

Carrie Underwood's perfect guy is me. Granted, I've been saying this for the past two years, but now I finally have some evidence to support my claim.

 

In the new issue of Country Weekly -- that's right, I read Country Weekly -- cover girl Carrie says that she is not dating Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. That's good to know. But it gets better. Carrie describes her ideal man as such:

 

I would like somebody who's ambitious and wants to better their life. I want them to always want more and always be looking to grow as a person. I like funny guys, and I like 'guy guys' - guys who drink beer and watch football.

 

It's funny; Yesterday, as I was drinking beer and watching football, I thought to myself, how can I make my life better? So I got up and made myself a Jack and Coke. I mean, if that doesn't show ambition and a sense of "wanting more," then I don't know what does. Add in the fact that I'm hilarious, and I don't see how Ms. Underwood could resist.

 

There is one problem, though. Carrie went on to say this:

 

I drink. But I've never like lost control of myself in any way, and I've never done anything stupid.

 

We'll have to work on that. But hey, nobody's perfect.

 

On a final note, Carrie added that she would gladly choose family over the music industry when it comes time to have children. See, this is another reason why Carrie needs to marry me. She can have kids, and I'll be a stay-at-home husband while she continues to pursue her her music career. She doesn't have to give up her passion, and since my passion is marrying Carrie Underwood, neither do I. Carrie makes hit records, I watch "Sportscenter" on an endless loop while keeping an eye on the maid to make sure she's not stealing. It's a win-win. Honestly, I don't know why this hasn't happened yet. Well, I guess I have to meet her first. But other than that, it's pretty much a lock.

 

 

Residents of Las Vegas are complaining that a billboard featuring Beyonce is obscene. Apparently the billboard, put up by a Vegas radio station, features the singer in a bikini. Also, just going out on a limb here, but I'm betting it shows Beyonce's armpits as well.

 

According to NME, one Vegas resident had this to say:

 

It's obscene. I have my two little grandkids coming over here, and they don't need to be seeing that. You can change the channel on the TV but you can't change that.

 

She then continued, "back when I was growing up, President Fillmore never would have allowed this!" Seriously lady, move. You live in Las Vegas. Your city actively encourages adultery in its official tourism ads. There are showgirls walking down the street. The cabs have posters of strip clubs on top of them. You go to the supermarkets there and you get a lap dance from a she-male named Trixie. Wait, does that not normally happen? Dammit, I swear I'm going to write a letter to that Stop 'N Shop. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, this is Las Vegas. Beyonce's wearing a bikini. Deal with it.

 

Protesters have acquired 100 signatures on a petition against the billboard. Unfortunately for them, Las Vegas' other 1,799,900 residents have signed a "Shut The Hell Up Petition," so it doesn't look like that billboard is going anywhere.

 

A city official has stated that the picture of Beyonce complies with Vegas' billboard code. In other words, it doesn't show penetration.

 

 

Sad news to start off the week.

 

Kanye West's mom Donda passed away on Saturday night in Los Angeles. The cause of death is still unknown.

 

With the massive success of his Graduation album, Kanye had been having a great 2007 thus far. Funny how quickly things can change. Our condolences to Kanye and his family. But you know what they say, n-n-now th-that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.

 

 

[UPDATE: RollingStone reports that the death was a result of "complications from a cosmetic surgical procedure."]

 

After posting my highlights of the Country Music Awards, I was informed that Kellie Pickler gave an emotional performance that I had failed to include in my wrap-up. I must have been watching the Heat-Spurs game at the time, which despite not including any ballads about the loss of a mother, did feature a somewhat emotional performance from Manu Ginobili. That guy always plays with heart.

 

I digress. The backstory to this video is that Pickler's mom gave birth to Kellie at age 18, and then gave her away to Grandma and Grandpa Pickler at age two and fled for the warm shores of California. Pickler's dad is a drug addict who served three years in prison for stabbing someone. Kellie also once worked at a Sonic, so you know, the girl has paid her dues.

 

This song, "I Wonder," has nothing to do with stabbings or Sonics, but it does have to do with Kellie and her mom. If you don't get choked up watching this video, you have no soul. Some people on the evil, cynical Internet have gone as far as to suggest Pickler was faking her tears to gain publicity for her song. Obviously those people have never had a strained relationship with a parent and don't understand the toll it can take on your heart. Fourteen years ago, my mom made me take out the trash when it was supposed to be my brother's week to do it, so I can totally relate to Kellie's plight.

 

Before we get to this emotional video, let's take a look on the bright side of things. For every ying, there is a yang, and in this case, Kellie's yang is her grandparents. That sounds gross but let me explain. Kellie grew up and became an "American Idol" finalist. Now she's a successful country artist. Who's to say she would've reached these same heights under the supervision of her mother, an overwhelmed teenage parent? Maybe Kellie's childhood didn't go down the way she had expected, but in the end, things worked out pretty well. Kellie's grandparents deserve a lot of credit. Also, you know who else deserves credit? Her plastic surgeon. Check out the rack. That doctor is amazing.

 

 

The feud between Prince and the people who run Prince fan sites has escalated. Now, Prince has released a diss track against his own fans. Take minute to let that sink in.

 

Here are some sample lyrics:

 

The only reason you say my name
Is to get your fifteen seconds of fame
Nobody's even sure what you do
I don't care what people may say
I ain't gonna let it ruin my day

 

It's funny to picture the fan site people standing up, high-fiving and yelling "Yes, our 15 seconds of fame, finally!"

 

Prince was allegedly upset because people on fan site message boards were criticizing his latest album. It may seem like Prince is being touchy, but how is a musician supposed to create art when DarlingNikki37965837 is calling his album "irrelevant?" How, dammit, how?!? On his diss track, Prince goes so far as to call out a specific message board user, some guy named Weebalicious. I heard Weebalicious posted a brutal message saying, "Prince used to be so so awesome, but now he totally sucks, I don't <3 him anymore, LOL!"

 

At RollingStone, they checked out some fan reactions to the Prince diss track. Oddly enough, fans were overjoyed, calling this song some of Prince's best work in years. Those are some true fans. I guess when you take into account how funky this song is, plus the lameness of lines like "I ain't gonna let it ruin my day," plus the fact that Prince sings like his balls are in a vice, it's tough to take the diss seriously.

 

You know, I've always wanted to have a song written about me. And since Carrie Underwood hasn't answered my calls, returned my emails, or acknowledged the burning insignia of my name on her lawn, it might be time to move on to Plan B. Hey Prince, you suck! That's right, and you're short too! Now go write a song about it.

 

 

[Here's the song.]