Shoutmouth | Coldplay

Chris Martin Needs to Work on His Handwriting

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 13:59:21 GMT

Coldplay is in the studio working on a new album, and Chris Martin is feeling the pressure. Check out this note Martin wrote to fans:

Who does this guy think he is, Thom Yorke?

You might notice that the writing gets cut off. Fortunately, I have obtained a copy of the rest of the note. Take a look:

The pressure to finish is intense. Luckily, I don't let things like "pressure" and "consequences" bother me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have named my kid Apple. I mean that. The kid is going to get his ass kicked all the time. I should really get investigated for child abuse. But that won't happen, cause I'm Chris Muthafuckin' Martin. Anyway, you're probably wondering about the previous part of the letter, where I mention oil painters and glasses of water. What's that about? Well, there's a guy painting in here. I'm actually high on fumes right now, which is why I'm writing this pointless note. That, and I couldn't finish the album on time, so I'm trying to distract you. That's it.

Wait, one last thing. You know how I know I'm gay? I listen to me.

I love that joke.

Lata playas,

Chris Martin

Details on the New Coldplay Album

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 21:31:15 GMT

Plus, a couple predictions about the album based on absolutely nothing at all...

Seattle Woman Assaults Coldplay-Singing Man

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 15:14:27 GMT

According to a report from the Seattle police, a man's karaoke rendition of Coldplay sent a woman into a violent fit of rage, causing her to storm the stage, yell out obscenities, and punch the man.

Kanye Will Have Some Graduation Guests After All

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:26:26 GMT

Chris Martin, T-Pain, Mos Def and DJ Toomp will be the album's only guests.

New Song: 'I Really Hate Coldplay'

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:54:05 GMT

I expected there to be something to this song, but really it's just an instrumental track with a funny title.

Coldplay Working on New Album in Barcelona

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 14:48:35 GMT

The guys are moving around from church to church with an acoustic guitar, recording tracks. No, seriously, this is what they're doing.

Avril Lavigne Covers Coldplay's 'Scientist'

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 20:20:25 GMT

Let the plagiarism jokes begin.

Justin Timberlake Compares Coldplay to The Beatles, Wants to Duet

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 19:58:33 GMT

You know how I know Justin Timberlake is gay? He listens to Coldplay.

New Coldplay Album is 'Out There'

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:16:42 GMT

"Whatever your expectations of Coldplay music, throw them out the window."

VH1 Asks: Who Will Be the Next U2?

Thu, 24 May 2007 20:48:25 GMT

In a new story, VH1 looks at six popular bands to see if anyone can be the next U2. Why U2, you ask? Well, there can never be another Beatles, but being the next U2 is a lofty yet attainable goal.