Coldplay is in the studio working on a new album, and Chris Martin is feeling the pressure. Check out this note Martin wrote to fans:

Who does this guy think he is, Thom Yorke?

You might notice that the writing gets cut off. Fortunately, I have obtained a copy of the rest of the note. Take a look:

The pressure to finish is intense. Luckily, I don't let things like "pressure" and "consequences" bother me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have named my kid Apple. I mean that. The kid is going to get his ass kicked all the time. I should really get investigated for child abuse. But that won't happen, cause I'm Chris Muthafuckin' Martin. Anyway, you're probably wondering about the previous part of the letter, where I mention oil painters and glasses of water. What's that about? Well, there's a guy painting in here. I'm actually high on fumes right now, which is why I'm writing this pointless note. That, and I couldn't finish the album on time, so I'm trying to distract you. That's it.

 

Wait, one last thing. You know how I know I'm gay? I listen to me.

 

I love that joke.

 

Lata playas,

Chris Martin