Britney Spears

Our friends at Buzznet are featuring a new video, in which the Shawn Harris of The Matches claims that Britney Spears wants to have sex with him. You can watch the video below. This is extremely newsworthy because Shawn Harris is a man, and he's from California, so I don't know why the hell he hasn't banged Britney Spears already. Seriously, he's a good looking guy, what's the hold up? If you live west of the Rockies, and you have access to a Hollister shirt and a half bottle of Alizé, there's really no excuse for not having slept with Britney Spears. Get your act together, Shawn. Oh sure, looks-wise she hit the wall months ago, but it's still great PR for the band.

 

I should mention that the Matches have a new album coming out in March, called A Band In Hope. If you didn't see that part coming, you probably don't spend enough time on the Internet.

 

 

Remember that controversy over whether The Eagles would sell more albums than Britney Spears?

 

Well, there's no controversy anymore. The Eagles Long Road Out of Eden kicked the living shit out of Britney's Blackout, and it wasn't even close. The Eagles will debut today with an approximate total of 711,000 albums sold, to Britney's 290,000. That's equivalent to losing a basketball game 100-43, then having the stat girl kick you in the balls.

 

Billboard decided to change up its policy and allow sales from exclusive retailers to count. A month ago, if you sold your album exclusively at Walmart, the numbers didn't count towards the charts.

 

"We know that some retailers will be uncomfortable with this policy, but it was inevitable," said Billboard's Director of Charts.

 

I'm not sure I see the logic there. Why WOULDN'T sales from Walmart count? "Your album is on a shelf next to a giant bottle of detergent? Get the fuck out!" Sorry if some of us like waiting in 40 minute lines to save two dollars; we can't all shop at Mike's House of CDs and Yachts.

 

The new policy will help a bunch of other Walmart-friendly artists enter the charts this week. In a related story, Jennifer Lopez will be hiding a copy of her new CD in all of Walmart's ten-gallon pretzel jars.

 

 

Britney's pseudo-comeback is getting off to a good start. Her Blackout album sold 124,000 copies in its first day, and should take the #1 spot when next week's charts are released on Wednesday. Spears' closest competition is Carrie Underwood's Carnival Ride, which is on pace to sell about half as many copies as Blackout (Carnival Ride has already been out for a week and is currently #1).

 

There is a little bit of controversy surrounding Britney that doesn't involve coke, sex tapes, paparazzi, umbrellas, Federline, courts or head shaving. The Eagles released a new album this week, but it's only being sold at Walmart. Walmart isn't disclosing sales figures, so it's possible that the Eagles album is selling more copies than Blackout, but we'll never know for sure.

 

For a lot of albums, the first week sales are extremely important, but Blackout has at least 4 more songs that could be huge hits, so don't expect it to go away anytime soon. That's right, prepare yourself for several more months of lame "Oops, she did it again" jokes.

 

So Britney Spears' new Blackout CD came out on Tuesday, and we haven't done a feature on it yet, which may seem weird considering it's the most-hyped album of the year. Well, I have an excuse. I was planning to do a "Blackout For Blackout" podcast on Tuesday night, where I did a shot during each new song and made fun of Britney's lyrics, but it turns out my roommates are pussies and don't like to "get hammered on work nights." Whatever.

 

Anyway, on to Plan B. You may recall Britney's last album In The Zone, which featured the smash hit "Toxic." In addition to being one of the biggest songs of 2004, "Toxic" is also the most annoying song ever. That's not hyperbole; it truly is the musical equivalent of nails on a chalk board. To quote my friend Dan, "Every girl loves it, every guy hates it, especially this guy." Now, I'm not anti-Britney. I'm fine with all her other work. It's just that "Toxic" is horrible.

 

Of course, "Toxic" was a massive hit that was played everywhere I went in '04. After all, how annoying can a song be if it's not jammed down your throat every 10 seconds?

 

Now Britney has a new CD, and there's no doubt that one of the songs will become the next "Toxic"; a ridiculously overplayed sensation that annoys all heterosexual males for months and months. Instead of a traditional review of Blackout, I thought I would do the men of the world a public service by seeking out the next "Toxic" ahead of time, so that we're all prepared to deal with it when it's finally released. Because after all, according to the Institute of Made-up Statistics, preparation is 90% of the battle.

 

I just took a Xanax, a Vicodin and shot of vodka, and I'm ready to do this. Let's go...

 

(Click here to read the rest...)

The Catholic Church is pissed at Britney Spears. As promotion for her new album, Blackout, Britney took some provocative photos of herself in a confessional booth. One of the photos had Britney sitting on a priest's lap, and even though the priest wasn't turned on, the church is still up in arms.

 

So, to review:

 

-Dressing like a school girl when you're 17 and causing every teenage girl in America to dress like a slut... perfectly fine.

 

-Wearing a full-body red jumpsuit and dancing on the moon... not a problem.

 

-Being 90% naked with a snake wrapped around your neck on national TV... what's the big deal?

 

-Flashing your vagina for paparazzi... that's cool.

 

-Allegedly making a sex tape with a random guy in a hotel pool... not seeing an issue there.

 

-Losing custody of your children, then putting in a half-assed effort to get them back... whatever, yo.

 

-Taking sexy pictures in a confessional booth? Now that is unacceptable!

 

Seriously, somebody get the Pope a subscription to US Weekly. I don't know why the Church is even wasting its time casting judgment on Britney Spears. She's already going to burn in the depths of Hell for her evil, harlot ways. I mean, would you wash your car while it's raining? Come on.

 

 

 

Maxim has succeeded by showing ridiculously hot chicks in as little clothing as possible. It's an amazing business model. But today, Maxim has changed things up by unveiling its new list of "The Five Unsexiest Women Alive."



Here's the list...

Life is tough. Some problems are unavoidable, and no amount of preparation can help you avoid all the twists and turns that fate will throw at you over the course of your lifetime.

That said, when a car is driving at you, get the f**k out of the way.



An L.A. paparazzi failed to follow this precious life lesson, and was run over by Britney Spears on Friday.

You ever try to bring strippers back to the house for an afterparty when there are a 2-year old and a 1-year old crying in the next room the entire time? It's impossible.



In an ideal world, a judge would solve this problem by granting visitation rights to Britney Spears. But apparently, California judges are huge cockblocks. After agreeing to grant Britney visitation, and then saying she could have one overnight visit per week, a court has now changed its mind and taken away...

There's no need to tell the story of Britney Spears, as everyone already knows it. Today, in a very special installment of the Daily Music Hotness, we will ignore Ms. Spears' recent troubles and instead focus on a time when she was considered one of the most beautiful women on the planet.



Click through to see pics...

After months of seeing new Britney Spears songs surface on the web, the entire Blackout album is supposedly now available.

 

I've heard a majority of the songs, but they were mostly demo versions and they were awful (refering to the sound quality, not the songs themselves). I could not find the actual album online; however, I did find some links to other people who have heard it. So yeah, I have no opinion, but this guy I know...