Kurt Cobain. Sid Vicious. Elvis Presley. Mama Cass. Janis Joplin. Eazy-E. Biggie. Jim Morrison. John Lennon. So many musicians have died well before their time, becoming legends. But what if they hadn't died young? Would their fate be the same? TomZ and I sat down and explored the possibilities, writing up our version of where they'd be now. Here's hoping none of them come back as zombies to exact their revenge.
John Lennon - He spends every waking moment protecting the Beatles catalogue from foes such as Michael Jackson, crappy commercials, and hipsters who are sick of the Beatles and have started a "John Lennon backlash." Otherwise, he's paying $140 million dollars to Yoko Ono in a divorce settlement [Paul should have seen it coming, but they hate each other now], but also suing Noel Gallagher for stalking him. Every few years, he releases a critically acclaimed album nobody actually listens to -- not even the critics.
Jim Morrison - After the statutory rape scandal of the late 1980s, he headed into hiding until firefighters had to break down the door of his house in 1992 to get his 980-pound body to a hospital for weight loss treatment and medical care. A month later, he fell into a persistent vegetative state, becoming the subject of a lengthy public debate about when to "pull the plug." Ultimately, his wife, Jane Fonda pulled the plug in 1995 after lengthy court battles with his family.
Jimi Hendrix - After years of languishing in obscurity, he made a massive comeback due to being featured in a skit on "Chappelle's Show," played the Super Bowl halftime show [being considered vaguely obscene], and did multiple-night stands in various cities that sold out instantly, while finding new ways to screw over record labels and give his music away for free. As a side note, Prince no longer exists in this alternate universe.
Elvis Presley - Elvis continued his career, and even though his albums got progressively worse, fans adored him. He turned into the real life Bill Brasky - with people making up crazy legends about him that they truly believed, which in turn caused US Weekly to be created 10 years earlier... he also played Dick Clark's "New Year's Rockin' Eve" every year, he was huge. He started getting angry in interviews, occasionally yelling "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIRLS I'VE HAD IN MY LIFE??! I'M ELVIS, DAMMIT!!!" before dying of natural causes in 1993.
