The Shoutmouth Emo Poetry Contest

Think all emo kids are miserable, cut themselves, dress in black, and listen to whiny music? Well, you're probably right. But what you didn't know is that these kids write some pretty terrible poetry, too!

I've decided to start my own emo poetry contest, because after all, it's always fun to tear down the innermost thoughts of people we don't know. Below, I've taken some of the best (i.e., worst) examples of emo poetry I could find online. Pretty much all of them came from the website LiveJournal, and most of these are just excerpts of poems (emo poems tend to run a little long). These poems are all 100% real, and 1000% real awful.

When we're done, my favorite poem will be rewarded with the honorary Black Ribbon, which is kind of like a blue ribbon, but way more emo.

Here we go. And remember, I mock out of love...

(Sidenote: Not really)

15) Untitled

Fear-
what lies beneath the
pink bras black thongs empty bottles of tylenol with sleep aide druge induced unconsciousness
leaky pens torn out pages of a journal used-to-be-fluffy-towels broken razors
i didnt make the commitment
im still here the mess is still here

if i pick everything up
will I find evidence?
that this room used to be clean
organized
achieving
sane?
or even worse.
Nothing?

 

Is this chick shaving her legs in her bedroom? That's completely unsanitary, not to mention impractical. I didn't know depression could be used as an excuse for being a slob. I wish I had known this when I was in elementary school, I never would've had to clean a thing. "Let the maid deal with it, I'm emo."

14) Untitled2

Nothing turns out how it ought to be
my dreams stolen by that long plane ride
no head start to be seen
hurry!
you're already falling fast asleep
into a vast void
where you dream no dreams
there is a sound, a very annoying, repeating tap
ah
the rain has come at last

That tapping isn't the rain. It's your father, telling you to wake up. Seriously, it's 3PM on a Saturday, get out of bed.

13) "serious she died"

the gun was in her backpack.
no one thought she was serious.
they said "she just wants attention"
that if she was actually upset she would do something.
so she decided to show them
she didnt just want attention.
the first day she went back to school
she brought the gun in her backpack
in her first class
she handed out some letters to friends
and with a pull of the finger
everyone could finally realize
she .was. serious

JEREMY SPOKE IIIIN, CLAAAAASS TODAAAAAY!!! Yeah, it's been done.

12) Untitled3

Her favorite song's the dial tone,
Cause it's the one she hears the most
While she's thinking-
"Maybe he'll call back
this time."
but she's been thinking
and she's been praying
about this boy,
about this hurt,
and maybe it's not worth it.

"He's Just Not That Into You" is out in paperback now. You know, if anyone's looking to get this girl a Christmas gift.

11) Untitled4

So abuse me
Cuz in your arms I can't complain
I'm like the battered wives you read about
I embrace the ball and chain

Love hate
Love hate
Are you my
soul mate
or
sole hate

 

This is pretty lame even by emo poet standards, which is like saying your AIDS is pretty bad by AIDS standards. On the bright side, I think the author just sold this poem to the Lifetime Network to be made into a TV movie starring Alyssa Milano. Should be good stuff. Milano gets abused by her husband, shoots him, undergoes a lengthy court hearing, and in the process, accidentally reunites with the daughter she gave up for adoption 18 years ago. That's "SoulHate," premiering this Tuesday, only on Lifetime.

10) "got a title?"

To the boy who likes my hair: I'm sorry i got so fucking attached.
I guess I just thought it was fate.
The way you came up those stairs and our eyes met.
You smiled and found out my name.
The boy from the mall.
I meet you again.
Don't you agree that seems like a sign?
But the way you kiss her,
It rips at my breath,
As i realize you were NEVER mine.
So, then why would you play me?

This girl starts off sounding like an emo poet, but by the end, she sounds like a crazy chick from the ghetto. I'm not sure if she's going to cry in her bedroom or slash this dude's tires. Also, to the girl who wrote this, making eye contact with a boy doesn't necessarily mean you're dating. I'm sorry. Please don't stab me.

9) "my poem"

you here me talk
but do you really listen?
you see me in pain
but do you even care?
you see i'm falling
but would you help me up?
you see i'm being buried alive
would you dig me up?
My heart is broken
But will you fix it?
I'm so depressed
will you be depressed with me?
Rip my brain of every memory of you
Would you do the same?

"you here me talk" sounds like it was written by a caveman. An emo caveman. Also, did this person really just rip-off the old "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercials? A Life Alert Emergency Response System is definitely not emo... or is it?

8) ";cry;"

theres nothing to do
sit in a corner and cry
please dont disturb me

Alright, no one who has ever been this depressed has ever written a haiku. If you were really as depressed as you say, you wouldn't have had the energy to separate your crying into a distinctive 5-syllable/7-syllable/5-syllable scheme. I call B.S.

7) "There once was a bird with no wings"

There once was a bird with no wings
She had no beak, no feathers, not even a keen eye
What she did have, was a cage
She dreamed of silly things, that bird

Hey, I didn't know emo poets were inspired by Dr. Seuss. Maybe I can give this poetry thing a shot after all...

I'm forsaken on a bus
I'm forsaken in a truck
I'm forsaken in a van
I'm so emo, Sam I Am

Alright, so that poem sucks, but whatever, I threw it together in 10 seconds, I'm a busy guy.

6) "Arrows"

I shot an arrow in the sky
It hit a cloud that was passing by
The cloud fell dieing onto the shore
I don't shoot arrows anymore

How old is this kid and why are his parents letting him play with arrows? Parents, never let your children shoot arrows without proper supervision, otherwise they could end up killing clouds, or worse yet, emotions.

5) "Car Crash"

He was twenty three
A bed wetter yet fancy free
Dressed up so elegantly
Called his lady callers his 'Cherie'
He didn't used to drink
Said he'd prefer just to think
Till they found him over a bathroom sink
Filling it full of crimson ink

So the subject of this poem is drunk, calling up chicks, vomiting and wetting his bed? That's emo? Where I come from, we call that Saturday.

4) "Oh, Murder Me"

I've got a hole in my face
The size of lake michigan
I've got a brain in my head
That's working itself out
And I'm planning on drowning tonight
I've got a photo in my room
That shows just what I've missed
I've got a map of Chicago
Just so I know where not to go
And I'm planning on taking a dip tonight

I've got a '92 Acura
The battery died, so I can't really drive it right now
I've got a TV that's tuned to the Weather Channel
It says there's a 70% chance of rain
Maybe I'll put this drowning off for a few days
I hate the rain
And I kinda don't want to miss the next episode of "Heroes"
That Hayden Panettiere is pretty cute
Yeah, that's what I'll do
I'll wait til next week
Depending on what's going on
I might get invited to a pool party at Michelle's house
We'll see what happens
I gotta run
My family is going to dinner at Applebee's
Later

3) Untitled5

A small amount of people know.
But the lies should awake the human mind,
and show the pain inside.
Not just in the country we live in,
but the world, the earth, the universe.

What about in Africa?
Australia or Antarctica?
The lost forests of the jungle,
which hides many secrets.
Waiting to be discovered?

 

This kid's history teacher is doing a terrible job. Forests in Antarctica? It's a mound of ice, you're not going to find any hidden secrets unless you're searching for a penguin's sack. My middle school's history teacher may have been a child molester, but at least we graduated with our continents straight.

2) "The Bleeding Shadows"

The trail of blood
Everlasting hell
Fall in the mud
Your heart's a dud
Body, mind, and soul you sell

The blood you've spilled
Begin the sadness
Innocent and killed
A murderer's guild
Savor the taste of death's kiss

 

Dictionary.com defines a guild as "an organization of persons with related interests, goals, etc., esp. one formed for mutual aid or protection." I'll be honest, I haven't read the latest issue of Murderers Weekly magazine, but as far as I know, they tend to not create guilds. "Hey John, I heard you were into murdering... you interested in starting a union? I don't want the suits to take away our coffee breaks!"

Also, his heart's a "dud?" Hahahahaha, I can't even make a joke, that's so lame. Did this guy just randomly pick words out of a rhyming dictionary? I'll give him credit for using the rare A-B-A-A-B rhyme scheme though. Nice work, Bill Shakespeare.

1) "u suck"

I'm dark and sensitive with low self esteem
The way I dress makes me feel like everyday is Halloween
I have no real problems
But I like to make believe
I stole my sisters mascara
Now I'm grounded for a week
Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies
I can't get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing
Girls keep breaking up with me
Its never any fun
They say they already have a p****
They don't need another one

See, now this kid knows what's up. If you're gonna write emo poetry, you might as well go all the way with it. Plus, the last two lines are amazing; I'm definitely going to steal that joke and use it to make fun of my friends this weekend. "What's that, Steve? Do I think you should talk to that girl by the bar? No, I don't. She's already got a p***y, why would she want another one?" Yep, that'll be priceless.

I'm giving this week's Black Ribbon to whoever wrote that poem. Congratulations, anonymous kid, your deep-seated emotional problems have provided us all with tons of comedy!

UPDATE: Just one day in, the Shoutmouth Emo Poetry Contest has been rocked by a plagiarism scandal. Turns out the #1 poem is actually a lyric from a song called "Emo Kids" by two guys named Adam and Andrew. To whoever plagiarized that song and tried to pass it off as their own, I rescind your Black Ribbon and, in my eyes, you have lost all credibility as an emo poet. Shame on you.

UPDATE v2.0: We got our first submission, and it's amazing. Please, keep 'em coming.

[If you're an aspiring emo poet, and you'd like to submit one of your poems to be judged/mocked, email it to tom@shoutmouth.com. I'm going to find it anyway, so you're better off just sending it in yourself. We'll run the best/worst submissions at a future date.]