The Dangers of Emo (As Told By Local News Reporters)

If you look up the word "emo" online, you'll find that it's a genre of music, popular amongst young people, that is rooted in punk and hardcore.

Or is it? Appalled by the emo propaganda circulating the Internet, many local news stations have launched their own "Special Emo Reports." Let's just say these reports get a little overdramatic. If you were a parent, and the only thing you knew about emo culture was what you saw on a local news station, you would probably think that emo is a secret term for depressed teenagers who dress all in black, bend genders, do drugs, cut themselves, and host gay make-out sessions while simultaneously plotting a school shooting and their own suicide. And that's only, like, half-right.

Let's take a look at some Emo Reports on local news stations and see what "lessons" we can learn from them. While we're at it, let's also grade each station on its ability to turn a seemingly innocent musical trend into the most dangerous thing that has ever happened to anyone ever.

1) WDAZ TV - Grand Forks, ND

What we "learned" about emo from this video:

-Emo is short for emotional.

-Emo fans are expressing their inner pain through their music, clothes and actions.

-Some emo kids cut themselves.

-You get "emo points" for doing certain things, like wearing tight sweaters.

-Emo fans comb their hair to cover one eye so they can see the world in "half view."

-Cutting isn't due to mental illness; emos do it because it's fashionable and cool.

-People with emo friends are very concerned for their well-being.

Most dramatic reporter quotes:

"Emos, or emotional people, are first noticed by what they wear... but it's what they do that's dangerous."

"You hit the jackpot if you attempt suicide!"

"We talked to several school districts and this problem is happening all over."

Funny reporter name: Lacey Crisp

Other top story: There is a snow system developing.

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? No

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? Yes

Did they interview non-emo kids? Yes

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? Yes

Did the report include a non-emo band? No

Final Grade: B+.

Overall, a good report. Interviewing a police officer was a smart choice, as was the line about the problem spreading to different school systems. It made it sound like they were talking about a deadly flu or something.

2) Fox 11 - Los Angeles, CA

What we learned about emo from this video:

-Emo is short for emotional hardcore.

-Emo music is rooted in early punk rock.

-If you're over 25, you've probably never heard of emo.

-Emo girls like belts with huge buckles.

-Having your parents deported can cause you to become emo.

-6/6/06 was National Emo Beatdown Day.

-Emo is the pansy version of goth.

Most dramatic reporter quotes:

"When emo started spreading on the Internet, it just exploded!"

"Some take it to extremes, posting their angst across the Internet!"

"Boys wear their band shirts tight... and their pants even tighter!"

Funny reporter name: Delilah Strogov

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? No

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? No

Did they interview non-emo kids? Yes

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? Yes

Did the report include a non-emo band? Yes - Sex Pistols, The Cure

Final Grade: B.

Calling this an "Undercover Report" was a great idea. Also, nice use of dramatic pause by the reporter. Whoever selected the emo band clips did an amazing job as well. All the yelling made the genre seem really evil. However, they never should've brought in the owner of an emo website. He provided some factual insight into the emo scene, and for a second it seemed like emo isn't all that bad. That cost them a half letter grade.

3) News 7 - Perth, Australia

What we learned about emo from this video:

-Emo is about kids with similar interests enjoying each other's company.

-Emo has nothing to do with suicide or depression.

-Emos are no more harmful than the Flower Power generation.

-Australian reporters might actually know something about emo.

Most dramatic reporter quote:

"Parents are being warned to be wary of teenagers taking part in a youth subculture called emo, after the murder of a 15-year old girl."

Funny reporter name: Ray Kuka

Other top story: "World Watch"

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? Sort of

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? No

Did they interview non-emo kids? No

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? No

Did the report include a non-emo band? Yes - Green Day, Rolling Stones

Final Grade: F

This report was factually accurate, it featured interviews with informed people, and it explained that depression, cutting and suicide aren't related to emo music. God, what were they thinking? No popular kids perpetuating stereotypes about emos? No parodies misrepresented as actual emo songs? No clips of black-haired guys screaming into a microphone? No overly dramatic warnings?!? Terrible.

4) ABC 4 News - Salt Lake City, UT

What we learned about emo from this video:

-Emo kids do a lot of gender-bending.

-Parents don't know about emo.

-Spiderman 3 is emo.

-If your kid wears bracelets, they're hiding scars from cutting.

-The best place to learn about emo culture is Wikipedia.

Most dramatic reporter quotes:

"The catch for parents, say experts, is to not react with fear."

"Knowledge is power, and getting informed sooner rather than later could help your child avoid emo pitfalls."

"Better to pay attention to your child now than regret it later."

Funny reporter name: Reed Cowan

Other top story: One of the kids featured on the emo report has gone missing.

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? Yes

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? Yes

Did they interview non-emo kids? Yes

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? Yes

Did the report include a non-emo band? Yes - Three Days Grace

Final Grade: A-

Alright, this is much better. These reporters have no clue what they're talking about, there are numerous factual inaccuracies, and they mention cutting frequently. They even referred to the report as an "investigation" and interviewed a couple middle-aged women. The fact that one of the kids from the segment went missing shortly afterwards lends a lot of credibility to the theory that emo is dangerous. Talk about some good luck! Solid work, ABC 4.

5) News 10 - Rochester, NY

What we learned about emo from this video:

-Emo kids listen to hardcore punk, wear black and have emotional problems

-A group called the Emo Resistance Program is threatening the lives of emos in Upstate New York

-At least one kid has had to change schools due to people calling him emo

-Police have confiscated a computer from the leader of the Emo Resistance Program

Most dramatic reporter quote:

"So far the online threats have not turned into any physical violence, but school administrators and state police aren't taking any chances."

Other top story: There are power outages in Erie County

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? No

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? No

Did they interview non-emo kids? No

Did the report mention Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? Yes

Did the report include a non-emo band? Yes - The Ramones

Final Grade: D

Who moves just because people are calling him emo? That kid single-handedly saved this report from getting an "F." Otherwise there's nothing propaganda-worthy here at all.

6) Ten News - Australia

What we learned about emo from this video:

-If you want to be emo, you have to be really depressed and cut yourself

-Emos love attention

-MySpace is a popular website

-Emos are apparently a HUGE problem in Australia

-Emos wear striped leggings and bedazzled shoes

-Despite their attention-whorish ways, no emos would appear on camera for this report

Most dramatic reporter quotes:

"Parents across Australia have begun to fear the word emo... and it's warranted."

"Experts say the best way for parents to avoid negative impacts of being an emo are to embrace parts of the culture, like the music and dress sense."

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? Yes

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? Yes

Did they interview non-emo kids and act like they were emo? Yes

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? No

Did the report include a non-emo band? Yes - Guns N' Roses

Final Grade: A

The skulls were a nice touch. Also, when you can get a couple kids to say stuff like, "you have to cut your wrists and be really depressed," that's a bonus. It might sound ridiculous, but parents eat that kind of fear-mongering right up. The only thing holding this report back from an "A+" grade was the gratuitous cleavage shot of the psychiatrist. We want fathers to be outraged by these reports, we don't want them masturbating.

7) CBS 47 - Fresno, CA

What we learned about emo from this video:

-Emo is a mixture of goth and punk

-Emo is associated with gender-bending and drugs

-The Internet is filled with "images of emo"

-Some parents don't know the difference between emo and Elmo

-Emo music brainwashes people into cutting themselves

-Emo kids hate their parents, contemplate suicide and have gay make-out sessions

-Parents have disliked teenagers' music for 60 years... but this is totally different

Most dramatic reporter quotes:

"Some teens just like the clothes and music, but for others, emo goes much deeper."

"Some of the images you are about to see are disturbing."

"Would Elmo sing THIS??"

Funny reporter name: "Rebecca Lindstrom, TV47 Investigator"

Other top story: "The Place to Find Lost & Found Pets"

Emo News Report Checklist:

Did the station interview a psychiatrist for the story? Yes

Did they pass off an emo parody as an actual song? Yes

Did they interview non-emo kids? Yes

Did the report include Fall Out Boy and/or My Chemical Romance? Yes

Did the report include a non-emo band? Yes - Coheed & Cambria

Final Grade: A+

It doesn't get any better than this, folks. Factual inaccuracies, gross misuse of interviews and clips of My Chemical Romance videos? Future news reporters take note; this is how you do it.