So Britney Spears' new Blackout CD came out on Tuesday, and we haven't done a feature on it yet, which may seem weird considering it's the most-hyped album of the year. Well, I have an excuse. I was planning to do a "Blackout For Blackout" podcast on Tuesday night, where I did a shot during each new song and made fun of Britney's lyrics, but it turns out my roommates are pussies and don't like to "get hammered on work nights." Whatever.

 

Anyway, on to Plan B. You may recall Britney's last album In The Zone, which featured the smash hit "Toxic." In addition to being one of the biggest songs of 2004, "Toxic" is also the most annoying song ever. That's not hyperbole; it truly is the musical equivalent of nails on a chalk board. To quote my friend Dan, "Every girl loves it, every guy hates it, especially this guy." Now, I'm not anti-Britney. I'm fine with all her other work. It's just that "Toxic" is horrible.

 

Of course, "Toxic" was a massive hit that was played everywhere I went in '04. After all, how annoying can a song be if it's not jammed down your throat every 10 seconds?

 

Now Britney has a new CD, and there's no doubt that one of the songs will become the next "Toxic"; a ridiculously overplayed sensation that annoys all heterosexual males for months and months. Instead of a traditional review of Blackout, I thought I would do the men of the world a public service by seeking out the next "Toxic" ahead of time, so that we're all prepared to deal with it when it's finally released. Because after all, according to the Institute of Made-up Statistics, preparation is 90% of the battle.

 

I just took a Xanax, a Vicodin and shot of vodka, and I'm ready to do this. Let's go...

 

[FYI: Britney's album is streaming at AOL this week, if you want to listen along.]

 

Track 1, "Gimme More" - This song is already a huge hit, and it hasn't matched the annoyance of "Toxic," so we can safely rule it out. Next...

 

Track 2, "Piece of Me" - We've heard a lot about this song already. It's Britney's rebuttal to the media. I was kind of hoping she would change the name to "Fuck You, Perez Hilton," but oh well, what can you do? This song certainly has the potential to be as overplayed as "Toxic," but can it really be as annoying? The "ooh-ee-ooh" part sounds like a drunk kid DJing a college party and repeatedly doing the "crab scratch" while everyone yells to "just play the fucking song!" In other words, this is pretty much what I'm looking for. But we're talking about "Toxic." Nails on a chalkboard beats the crab scratch any day.

 

Track 3, "Radar" - Everyone's comparing this song to Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape." That's a good start. It also starts off with a bunch of fuzz, which is a great idea if you're trying to get people to think they're losing the radio station. However, in an unexpected turn of events, I kinda like this song. I know, I'm not proud of it. Moving along...

 

Track 4, "Break the Ice" - This isn't nearly as annoying as "Toxic." I'm not going to waste my time here. Could this album actually be decent? That would be a disappointment.

 

Track 5, "Heaven on Earth" - This song starts off exactly the same as the "Montage" song from "South Park"/Team America, which immediately rules it out from contention. On to the next one...

 

Track 6, "Get Naked" - Had I not listened to the album, and judged solely on song titles, I would have bet the farm that this song was the next "Toxic." Can't you imagine a song called "Get Naked" coming on at the bar, and all the girls screaming in joy and trying to dance, while all the guys run away to get a beer, except for a few sketchy guys who stay and try to convince the drunkest girls to actually get naked? I can. But this isn't radio-friendly enough. I'll be surprised if this even becomes a single. Not a single = not ridiculously overplayed = not the next "Toxic."

 

Track 7, "Freakshow" - Now this is what I'm talking about. This song is danceable, it's catchy, it's radio-friendly, and it's annoying as shit. This could definitely annoy the hell out of me for months. Man, I was starting to get worried that Blackout would be a tolerable album. Thank God this song came on. I'm not sure this is "Toxic" level, but we're getting warmer.

 

Track 8, "Toy Soldier" - Yes! Call off the contest, people, we have found our next "Toxic!" This song has it all. It starts off with some guy yelling "Smash on the radio!" The lyrics are so synthesized you can't even tell it's a human being. The chorus is "I need a solider, I'm sick of toy soldiers." She sings about "hitting the scene" over a marching-band-style snare drum beat. There's a lyric about "bustin' in your face." I think I even heard a reference to MySpace in there. What else can you ask for? If annoyance was a car dealership, this song would be a Maserati.

 

Track 9...

 

You know what, there are several more songs on Blackout, but I don't care, I'm throwing in the white flag. We have found our next "Toxic," and its name is "Toy Soldiers." Men of the world, I suggest you take a precautionary listen to this song now, so that you're prepared when it is finally unleashed on society.

 

Here's the video for "Toxic," which, on mute, is quite amazing...