8. Fiona Apple - Fiona Apple Maggart
Yeesh, I bet the kids were relentless on Ms. Maggart in grade school. Maybe that's where the angst comes from...
7. Snoop Dogg - Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.
Even the reigning "Coolest Man on Earth" is not immune from the Nerdiest Name list.
Q: "What's my name?"
A: "Some pretty goddamn geeky shit." (I guess that chorus doesn't work as well.)
6. Xzibit - Alvin Nathaniel Joiner
Where are Simon and Theodore? Ba - dum - pshshshsh. I'll be here all night; tip your waitress.
5. Chuck D - Carlton Douglas Ridenhour
Leader of the most incendiary rap group of all time or the Fresh Prince's rich, dweeby cousin?
4. Master P - Percy Miller
Make me say ughhhhhhh (that means I just barfed in my mouth).
3. Vanilla Ice - Robert Matthew Van Winkle
It's hard to pick on Vanilla these days, but this sure is a hard one to get over. I just hope his dad was named Rip. Badly.
2. Ginuwine - Elgin Lumpkin
Do all the sit-ups you want, Elgin, you're still a nerd at heart.
1. KISS
Mark St. John - Mark Leslie Norton
Gene Simmons - Chaim Witz
Paul Stanley - Stanley Harvey Eisen
Peter Criss - George Peter John Criscuola
Vinnie Vincent - Vincent John Cusano
Eric Singer - Eric Doyle Mensinger
Ace Frehley - Paul Daniel Frehley
Eric Carr - Paul Charles Caravello
KISS' roster old and new is a laundry list of nerds who changed their names, put some facepaint on, and learned a couple simple chords. It's pretty unbelievable that they got so many people with beatdown-worthy names in one band over the years. It's almost as if they put it in the ad for the position.
But, alas, my beef here is with the recently deceased Mark St. John (RIP). Hey, Norton, get your own name, we like to keep the St. John family small.
