Now that the dust has settled in a long, brutal and annoying first-week sales battle between Kanye West and 50 Cent, let's be honest, who really cares? That said, it was pretty hilarious to watch two opposing styles of hip hop air their laundry on the pages of countless publications and television networks.
So, because we all feel a bit duped by 50 Cent and Kanye West, I
figured it was right to try and get some value out of their little ego-to-self make out
session. Here are some things that the first-week sales battle taught us:
First of all, shut up. More specifically, don't say a
bunch of bullsh*t you don't mean that will make you look like a sixth grader if
things don't turn out the way you anticipate. In other words, never, for any
reason, announce to the world that you're going to quit rap when you're
32-years-old and only on your third album. P.S. - Still waiting on the
retirement press conference 50. Besides, you can always come back and release post-retirement records, just like your role model, Jay-Z.
If you decide you're not going to shut up, be as ridiculous as possible as often as you can. In fact,
you might just want to make things up from time to time that have absolutely no
basis in reality. 50 seems to love that.
T-Pain can maybe, actually, almost, sort of sing. But
there's no way to tell with all that digital sh*t on his voice. Still, the
vocals are at least listenable on "Good Life." You might say, but DirtySouth,
this is on Kanye's album and doesn't have a direct connection to the battle.
You'd be a liar, because this track was the third single and without pressure to
beat 50, it wouldn't have come out yet. That said, T-Pain still blows. R.Kelly
4eva.
Scott Stapp circa 2005 = Chris Martin circa 2008. Although
the equation is merely a hypothesis for now, give it one more Coldplay album plus that Kanye West/Chris Martin featured spot that leaked just before the
release of Graduation and bam! We've
got ourselves a provable theory.
People love being totally scammed. Actually, in this
particular case, people just love being dramatic. Because
here's the real talk: both rappers have known from day one that this would
boost their sales - regardless of who won - and everyone bought it.
50 Cent tires easily. What a woman. Plus he's got a bit of a temper. What a womanly jerk.
Hype Williams still totally rules. Before either record even
had a chance to get bought, Hype dropped three killer Kanye West videos to
support Graduation. As for Joseph
Kahn (director of the "Ayo Technology" video) ... well, nice CGI, but try again
homeboy, this ain't a Steven Spielberg movie.
Rap kind of blows right now. While this Kanye vs. 50 Cent
thing loomed overhead, Nas was busy in a pissing contest with Bill O'Reilly,
Diddy was porking some girl for his fragrance's national ad campaign, Foxy
Brown was getting arrested like six times a day and Uncle Murder was just
trying to get his wang tickled by some dead cops' daughters. Meanwhile, Chamillionaire
was steady getting forgotten as he geared up to release one of the better hip
hop albums of the year - plus, he's really nice and he most likely made the
best hip hop video of ‘07.
Kanye West is just way, way,
way more popular than 50 Cent right now. Pretty insightful, huh?
Finally, we learned that no amount of underdog favoritism would push the former husband of Renee Zellweger to the top of the Billboard 200. Kenny Chesney was just not up
to the challenge. 50 didn't even know who the hell he was. Better luck next time middle America.
