If you've been reading the site for any time, you know I was pretty outraged at the Grammy nominations. And then I kind of forgot the Grammy Awards even existed, until I read TomZ's post about the show. And all I can say is... really? That show, and the awards handed out, are truly what is now considered the best music has to offer? I can't abide by this. I must right the wrongs. I must invent and dole out my own awards. [Anyone who wins an award can feel free to come to the Shoutmouth office and/or my house to pick up their prizes...]
Shall we? We shall.
Album of the Year:
The Grammys: Herbie Hancock - River: The Joni Letters
The Pixies: My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
You will notice a great difference between these awards. Let's see... on my choice, we have: a band that is relevant, current, and released an album of all original music. Novel, no? My Chemical Romance sold well over 1 million copies of their album. Say what you like about the band, but they sure as hell had a lot more impact on a lot more people than an guy who I thought died in the mid-1980s who released a covers album. And while I don't have sales data, I'm willing to bet he did not sell anywhere close to a million copies.
Record of the Year/Song of the Year:
The Grammys: Amy Winehouse - "Rehab"
The Pixies: My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade
I actually have no idea what the difference between Record of the Year and Song of The Year is, and since the same person won them both at the Grammys, the same band is getting them both at the Pixies. And let's take a logical look at this: if you released the album of the year, it would only stand to reason that you also had one of the best songs of the year included on said album. It's common sense. I chose this song because I love the way all the different parts come together and it was a song that really struck me as something amazing the first time I heard it. Interestingly, I actually do like "Rehab." It's a good song. The rest of the album, not so much, but "Rehab" is in the Misc. folder on my iPod. It's just not the song of the year.
Best New Artist:
The Grammys: Amy Winehouse
The Pixies: Concerto For Constantine
That's right. I'm giving a Grammy to an Irish band that has nothing but a demo out at this point. And you know why? Because it was taking me too damned long to think of any brand-new artist with an album that would have been released in the time period that qualified for the awards. So, Concerto For Constantine, which features Mark Greaney of JJ72 on guitar and vocals and Gavin Fox of Idlewild on bass? Best New Artist. By the way, check them out because they're amazing. I recommend "Wasps."
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:
The Grammys: Amy Winehouse - "Rehab"
The Pixies: Schoolyard Heroes - "Violence Is All The Rage"
I know you're not supposed to beat a dead horse, but can you beat a half-dead crackhead? Because that's what the Grammys feel like right now. The woman is talented, but give me a break. Now, of course, in the Pixies, "Pop" is meaningless, but Ryann Donnelly can out-sing Amy Winehouse in her sleep, and I chose "Violence Is All The Rage" because that song makes me want to dance and her voice sounds amazing on it.
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance:
The Grammys: Justin Timberlake - "What Goes Around... Comes Around"
The Pixies: Drop Dead, Gorgeous - "Red or White Wine?"
See, I find this all confusing, as there aren't all these random solo artists in my world, so I'm just going with what feels right. And that's Drop Dead, Gorgeous' "Red or White Wine?" Danny's voice is insane on this, and it just makes you feel there is something serious going on with this song. Deseration, angst, and about 20 other emotions all come together to create something infinitely more real than some dopey ex-boy band dude who somehow managed to become "credible" -- against all odds -- could ever produce.
Best Pop Performance By a Duo Or Group With Vocals:
The Grammys: Maroon 5 - "Makes Me Wonder"
The Pixies: My Chemical Romance - "Teenagers"
Again, this doesn't line up exactly because of the word "pop," but let's throw this to the catchiest, poppiest song on The Black Parade. If the Grammys can give almost every award to Amy Winehouse, I can give almost every one to My Chemical Romance. That's life, kids.
Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals:
The Grammys: Robert Plant and Alison Krayuss - "Gone Gone Gone"
The Pixies: Aiden with Efrem Schultz of Death By Stereo - "Son of Lies"
You know, if Say Anything was eligible in this period, this would have been way easier. But then I realized that Efrem makes this song awesome and as such, it fully deserves an award from me.
Best Pop Vocal Album:
The Grammys: Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
The Pixies: My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
This is getting redundant. They can beat their half-dead crackhead; I'll applaud my favorite band. I don't know why this is any different from "best album," but hey.... there you go.
Best Dance Recording:
The Grammys: Some huge big mess with Justin Timberlake
The Pixies: Cobra Starship - "Guilty Pleasure"
I honestly couldn't make sense of all the names and stuff involved with the Grammy song, and who cares, either way? You just listen to that Cobra Starship song and tell me you don't want to dance your ass off.
Best Electronic/Dance Album:
The Grammys: The Chemical Brothers - We Are The Night
The Pixies: Metro Station - Metro Station
I have never liked the Chemical Brothers. However, Metro Station made me dance around a laundromat once. And here's something about me: I despise the laundromat. As such, Metro Station wins!
There are now a bunch of rock performance awards. See above, I just give them to the same people I gave the pop ones to, okay? I didn't realize they separated rock out, or I'd just have gone straight there.
Best Metal Performance:
The Grammys: Slayer - "Final Six"
The Pixies: GWAR - "War is All We Know"
Slayer? Whatever. They're Christian now. They're not even Slayer anymore, in my book. When I was a kid, they were super-Satanic. Anyway, GWAR deserves many awards and Oderus Urungus is a friend to Shoutmouth, so there you go. It pays to be a friend to Shoutmouth.
Then there's a bunch of R&B/Rap awards. Eh. See what I did with pop, apply here. Well enough. Producers, technical awards, etc? I'm backing away slowly.
Best Short Form Music Video:
The Grammys: Johnny Cash - "God's Gonna Cut You Down"
The Pixies: The Killers - "Bones"
Unless they can prove that Johnny Cash rose from the grave and made that video, it has no business winning an award. Besides, The Killers got Tim Burton to direct their video. It is made of win in every way. How did it manage to be overlooked by the Grammy people? Honestly -- I at least expected to agree with them on something.
So there you have it. One day, when I rule the world, this is what awards shows will look like. I think I'd have the host be Dane Cook because he's attractive and the comedy would be incredibly awkward. Performers? My Chemical Romance, Schoolyard Heroes, Fall Out Boy, Say Anything [who will dominate my 2009 awards], Kill Hannah, Aiden, and Alkaline Trio. I mean, if I rule the world, why not assemble something like that?
Just wait and see. My reign as empress of the world is going to rule.
