Ranking the Tracks on R. Kelly’s ‘Double Up’ by Song Concept

R. Kelly is currently cracking up the nation with Chapters 13-22 of his "Trapped in the Closet" series. And rightfully so. "Trapped in the Closet" is one of the funniest things to happen to music this decade, if not ever.

But lost in the midst of all this "Trapped in the Closet" talk is the pure awesomeness of R. Kelly's latest studio album, Double Up.

Double Up contains 18 tracks, each of which is brilliant in its own unique way. If you think "Trapped in the Closet" is hilarious, well, you ain't seen nothin'.

I've decided to rank each track on Double Up based on the concept of the song. While lyrics are certainly important, it's the central theme of the song that really matters.

Let's get right to it...

18) "Rollin'"

This song has a pretty standard "nobody believed in me back then, look at me now" hip hop theme. Oh well, you have to have at least one of these on your album.

Most memorable lyric:

Think I'm from a swamp the way I step out with them gators on

17) "Freaky in the Club"

This whole song is about R. Kelly staring at a girl's ass while he's in the club. He also talks about wanting to see that ass "go boomba." Look at the lyric below. He's not singing about a stripper. He's singing about some random girl at the club. Apparently Kels goes up to random chicks and throws money at them. Hmm, good tactic.

By the way, R. Kelly is 40 years old.

Most memorable lyric:

Girl and the way you flexing that g-string
And you got me tossing this money

16) "Rock Star"

This is possibly the best song on the album, but not nearly the funniest. R. Kelly clarifies what it takes to be a rock star. For girls, it entails "throwin' dat ass." For Kels, it entails "fuckin' wit weed and Patron." For other guys, it entail "putting ‘em up" (hands, assumedly).

Most memorable lyric:

Call me Scottie cause girl cause girl I'm a bout to beam up
Once I getch getcha, gone come on up out of those D cups
Strokin it hard strokin it hard while u got ya legs up
Making ya making ya sound like ya got the hiccups
What want because I'm about to give u what u need
Up in my room you screaming "Hercules Hercules"

This is a song about picking up girls at the club. Again, a pretty standard hip hop theme. What makes it great is the fact that R. Kelly compares himself to a hunter, scoping out women for the kill. Also, the amount of bragging in this song is off the charts - Kels and Nelly sing about being rich, driving Hummers, and just being awesome - but then they claim that "they're just tryin' to get a number." If they're that great, should they really have to try?

Most memorable lyric:

So many baby mommas, I'm scopin' out like a hunter

Double Up is a star-studded album, featuring appearances from Nelly, T-Pain, T.I. and others. This song has a guest spot from Chamillionaire. "Get Dirty" is all about strippers. The song is a story. Kels talks about seducing a stripper, bringing her to his place, drinking and skinny dipping, and ultimately getting down. What makes it awesome is this one line...

Take it to my crib, that's what's up
The after party, that's what's up
Straight to the morning, that's what's up
Now get the fuck out, that's what's up

Now that's chivalry.

13) "The Champ"

This song is about being "the champ." Seriously. The whole song, Kels sings about being the champ and the struggles he had to go through to achieve that title. What is he the champ of? I don't know. He never says.

Most memorable lyric:

I could be surrounded by lions in the midst of the jungle

And still I'm-a rumble

12) "I'm a Flirt (Remix)"

"I'm a Flirt" is the first single off Double Up, and in the words of Shoutmouth hip hop expert certifiedmatt, the song is "completely un-fuck-with-able." This song is about Kels, T.I. and T-Pain flirting with girls at the club, right in front of the girls' boyfriends. But it gets better. The whole song is written as a warning to the boyfriends. Kels basically says, "If I hook up with your girlfriend, it's your fault, because you shouldn't have brought her to the club and put her in my presence in the first place." Also, the song includes a joke about underage sex, which is hilarious given the current statutory rape allegations against R. Kelly (see below).

Most memorable lyric:

When I pull up to the club, all the shorties be like, "hey, I'm 28"

And I be like, "Girl, you know just who I am, don't hate"

11) "Havin' a Baby"

R. Kelly finds out his girlfriend is pregnant, and says he's excited to be "that baby's daddy."

Most memorable lyric:

Wow! I cant believe I'm going to be a father
In nine months a child will be born
Baby you're pregnant in April
Which means we're having a Capricorn

10) "Double Up"

This song is about threesomes, plain and simple. But it's not just an ode to doublin' up. Oh no. It's a step-by-step tutorial on how to achieve a threesome. Kels takes you through his methods, and let's you know exactly how to take "two chicks with dizzy legs" and turn it into a ménage-a-trois.

Most memorable lyric:

Three's company, bitch call me Jack Tripper

9) "Leave Your Name"

In this song, R. Kelly sings as R. Kelly's answering machine. First, he talks about how he got hammered the night before and is too hung over to pick up the phone. Then, he goes through a list of reasons why he might not be able to get back to you right away. Those reasons? Well, see below...

Most memorable lyric:

Leave your name right after the beep and I'm
Sure to get back with you
If I'm not asleep or
Smoking on some trees or
Having a little sex or
If I'm not faded or
Making a baby

This song is for big girls, small girls, tall girls, skinny girls, white girls and black girls. No really, it is. He says so right in the beginning of the song. The entire song is sexual metaphors involving food and candy. He gets specific, too. There's some serious corporate branding in here.

Most memorable lyric:

I can't wait to drink your milk
You're looking like a big ol' piece of cake
I'm all up in your middle
Ooh, it taste like Skittles

In this song (and subsequent video), R. Kelly and Usher are dating the same girl. This is funny, because they're supposedly best friends, yet they have no clue they're seeing this same girl, whose characteristics (and her name) are so specific that it couldn't possibly have been a coincidence. I mean, when two friends are dating a girl named Sarah, maybe they could get tricked. But if you and your friend were both dating a girl named Tee-Tee, don't you think you'd at least look into it? Or is this a case of best friends that don't talk to each other?

Even better, in the video, it turns out the girls are actually twins. So the joke is on R. Kelly and Usher. But wait... they both call their girl by her nickname, Tee-Tee. Why would two twins have the same nickname?

And the best part of all: The song is supposed to be the conversation between the two of them in which they find out they've been duped. So the song is in conversation form, and includes lines like, "Yo Ush... What up, Kels?... Straight up dog!"

[Ever since the song came out, this is how my friend Erin and I say hello.]

Most memorable lyric:

USHER: Man I didn't know that you were talking ‘bout her.

R. KELLY: So man you're telling me you know her?

USHER: Do I know her? Like a Pastor know his word.

This song starts out with a phone conversation between R. Kelly and his friend. Kels tells his friend how perfect the friend's girlfriend is, then asks if he knows any girls exactly like her that he can hook up with. The song reinforces the idea that R. Kelly really wants to hook up with his friend's girlfriend. Imagine if you told your friend, "Your girlfriend is absolutely perfect... I'd like to hook up with someone exactly like that." Chances are, that friend will stop bringing his girlfriend around you.

Most memorable lyric:

If I was you, I'd knock that up

5) "Sex Planet"

The entire song is sexual metaphors involving the solar system. It's unreal. R. Kelly could take any topic and make a sexual song about it. If you were like, "Kels, write a sexual song about windows," he'd pause for thirty seconds, then sing, "Baby I'm-a open you up / But I won't let your light escape / I'll get my breeze blowing right through you / Gonna make sure them curtains be matchin' them drapes."

In fact, I'm pretty sure this song was created when one of R. Kelly's friends said, "Yo Kels, I bet you can't make a sexual song about planets!" Then R. Kelly responded, "Oh word, mothafucka? Check this shit out!"

Most memorable lyric:

Girl, I promise this will be painless

We'll take a trip to planet Uranus

4) "Rise Up"

This song is a tribute to the Virginia Tech shootings. Normally, that would be an honorable thing, except for the fact that it immediately follows "Sex Planet" on the album.

3) "The Zoo"

This is another sexual song - no big surprise there, we're talking about R. Kelly - but all of the metaphors are about animals. From a comedic perspective, the animal comparisons are just too much to take. When R. Kelly sings lines like, "Like a swarm of bees / That is how it's gonna be / Climaxing you and me"... I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?

Most memorable lyric:

Girl, I got you so wet
It's like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I'm your Sexasaurus

2) "Best Friend"

In this song, R. Kelly is in jail, and his girlfriend and best friend are both visiting him. Kels starts out talking about the outside world, but eventually starts to believe that his best friend is sleeping with his girlfriend. So the song is them reminiscing and talking about current events, but every few lines, R. Kelly throws in stuff like, "Why is Charles wearing that shirt you bought me?!?!"

Most memorable lyric:

POLOW DA DON (R. Kelly's best friend): Yo what up my n***a, you straight? Any thing I can get you?

R. KELLY: This toilet paper be cuttin' my ass, I need some roles of tissue... Charmin
N*** what happened to those squares yo ass promised?

1) "Real Talk"

As great as the rest of the songs on Double Up are, nothing holds a candle to "Real Talk." It's a fight between R. Kelly and his girlfriend, set to music. There's no rhyme scheme; in fact there's very little rhyming at all. It's just Kels going off about trust issues, cheating, burning clothes, his girlfriend's bitchy friends, and all that stuff, set to an R&B slow-jam beat. And best of all, you never hear the girlfriend's voice. So there will be an awkward pause where the girlfriend is supposedly talking, then Kels will come in with a line like, "H-hold up, didn't I just give you money to get your hair and nails done? Yeah, yo ass was smilin' then!!!" And he says "real talk" after half the lines. The whole song is amazing.

Most memorable lyric:

You called my mommas house and what?
Girl, my momma ain't gotta screen no calls for me
Real talk

And watch your mouth
F**k me? Girl f**k you!
I don't give a f**k about what you're talking about
I'm sick of this bullshit

I'm coming home and getting my shit and gettin' the f**k up outta Dodge
You ain't gotta worry about me no more
And the next time your ass get horny
Go f**k one of your funky ass friends
Hell, you're probably already doing that shit anyway
You gonna burn what?
Bitch I wish you would burn my motherf**king clothes
With your triflin' ass

You bogus girl

There you have it. Bottom line, Double Up is an incredible album on so many levels, and if you haven't heard it, then you're missing out... Real talk.