Like most 20-something white guys from Connecticut, I was psyched when R. Kelly announced a North American tour earlier this month.
But when the actual tour dates were announced, much to my chagrin, it was revealed that the NYC-area show would take place on November 22nd. That's Thanksgiving. First of all, why is R. Kelly playing a show on Thanksgiving? And more importantly, who would ditch their family on a holiday to go to an R. Kelly concert (in Newark, NJ, of all places)?
I was just talking to my colleague, petekennedy, who is also a big R. Kelly fan. We both want to see the concert, but being the family-oriented people we are, we're not prepared to leave in the middle of a holiday just so we can watch Kels perform the "Ignition" remix.
After discussing for a minute, we got to wondering what kind of person would bail on Thanksgiving dinner to see R. Kelly. And furthermore, what would that conversation be like? Hmmm...
KID: Well, that turkey was delicious, I'm outta here.
MOM: Wait, where do you think you're going? We haven't even had dessert yet.
KID: Mom, I'm going to see Kels!
MOM: Who's Kels? Do you have a girlfriend I don't know about? Is she from school? Why didn't you invite her over?
KID: Nah, mom. I'm going to see the R. Kelly concert.
MOM: You are NOT leaving Thanksgiving to see a concert. Sit back down, young man!
KID: Get the f... You know what? Mom, I'm not about to sit up here and argue wit you about who's goin' to a concert and who's eatin' Thanksgiving dinner... Real talk.
MOM: What? Oh no, my friend Madeline told me that R. Kelly is a bad influence.
KID: Just because your friend said she thinks R. Kelly is a bad influence... tell me mom... did she say they were other acts there... DID SHE SAY THERE WERE OTHER ACTS THERE?!?! How the fuck she know I was going for R. Kelly and not some opening act?!?! I've been your son for 16 years and you still listenin' to yo mothafuckin' girlfriends!! I don't know why you fuck wit those no-man havin' assholes anyway!! Real talk.
MOM: Do not speak to me that way, young man! First I tell you to clean your room, and you just throw everything under your bed, and now you're using that kind of language in front of your grandmother. I oughta...
KID: Always accusing me of some bullshit, when I'm just tryin' to have a good time!! "Son, you did this... Son I heard ya did that." Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?!? Real talk. H-hold up. Didn't I just mow the lawn the other day without you even asking? Yeah, your ass was smiling then! Real talk.
MOM: You're skating on thin ice, mister. I told you after you got a D minus on your report card in science that you were not to make any plans with your friends for two weeks. Especially something like a concert. And on Thanksgiving night! To think!!
KID: Who got a D minus? I ain't got no damn D minus, girl. Is you tweakin'? You know what your problem is, you always runnin' off at the mouth tellin' grandma my mothafuckin' business! Real talk.
MOM: No D minus? I called your principal...
KID: You called my principal and what? Girl, my principal ain't gotta announce no grades for me. Real talk. Watch your mouth...
MOM: Excuse me?!?
KID: I don't give a fuck about what you talkin' about, I'm sick of this bullshit, I'm going up to my room, I'm getting my Playstation, and I'm-a get the fuck up outta Dodge!!! You bogus girl!! Real talk.
MOM: You're grounded.
And that's when the crying starts. Ah, Thankgiving of 1997, I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyway, that sucks about the scheduling, but hopefully I can catch the Long Island show on the 23rd.
