I am going to be the worst parent ever. Don't get me wrong, I'll love my kids very dearly, but when they ask for sh*t like Hannah Montana tickets, I'm going to try Ticketmaster once, find out the concert is sold out, and then tell them to shut the hell up and play with blocks like I used to when I was growing up (blatantly disregarding the fact that I grew up with Super Nintendo and adjustable basketball hoops).
And that's why Jody Powell, despite his effeminate name, is twice the father I'll ever be. The 35-year old Powell just won his 7-year old daughter tickets to next week's Hannah Montana concert in Tampa by... get this... holding onto a statue for 6 days straight.
Now granted, he did get a bathroom break every 3 hours, and they did bring him meals. And the prize included $5,000 and backstage passes. But still, this guy spent the majority of six straight days with his hand on a giant Hannah Montana statue. Oh yeah, did I mention that part? It was a 12-foot statue of Hannah Montana. He couldn't read books, talk on the phone, or use an iPod. Books suck, so whatever, but no phone calls or iPods? That's horrible. If I had the choice between holding a statue for 6 days with no iPod, or getting stabbed, I'd have to seriously think about it.
Here's how bad it got: The second place finisher, a woman named Lara Padgett, lost on the sixth day when the Florida sun drained all of her energy and she had to be TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL and treated. This woman almost died to get her kid Hannah Montana tickets. Which, to me, proves two things.
1) Men really are better than women at everything.
2) Some people go to insane lengths to make their children happy.
Well, here's the thing. Happiness is a state of mind. So when you take a week off from work and almost kill yourself to get Hannah Montana tickets, what's next? Kids aren't really the appreciative type; they'll just expect that same kind of dedication the next time they want something. "Mommy, why can't I see Bee Movie? I don't care if it's sold out!!! Why won't you hold a statue again and win tickets?!?!?! AAAHHHH!!!!" Then the crying starts, and you have to lock the kid in the car, and of course that's when your neighbor comes over to borrow a rake and things get really awkward.
That's why, when I'm a father, much in the same way that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, I'm going to bring discipline back. I'm not as marketable as JT, but I think this will catch on. Kids these days have it too easy and it's time for parents to take back control. What's the point in spoiling your kid when they won't even remember it in ten years anyway? If I have a daughter... well, she's getting locked in the basement til she's 30, so that won't be an issue. But if I have a son, he's just going to have to learn some hard lessons, like "you can't always get what you want" and "daddy doesn't hold onto statues for six days because it cuts into his drinking."
Which brings us to our question of the day/weekend. What would it take for you to hold on to a statue for six straight days? I mean, obviously you're going to do it for a new house or a million dollars, but for concert tickets? What about the chance to meet someone famous? Even for the chance to meet my idol, Eddie Vedder, I could probably make it, like, 3 hours. After that I'd say "f**k this, I'd rather just listen to the CD" and give up.
Is there any concert that would inspire you to hold a statue for 6 days straight? Is there any famous person who you'd hold a statue for six days to meet? And why do kids get whatever they want?
The questions keep piling up.
