The best part is, it's not even for a good reason, like "you used to be funnier!" or "Paul Shaffer is really, really creepy!"

 

Let me get you all up to speed. Two weeks ago, Morrissey performed his new song, "That's How People Grow Up" on "Late Night With David Letterman." The other guests on the show included Congressman Dennis Kucinich and Strokes-shirt wearing actor Shia LaBouf. Following so far? Good. Morrissey is a long-time, hardcore vegetarian, and apparently, Dennis Kucinich is, as well. Letterman's people were aware of this, and apparently devised a joke involving both David Letterman and select audience memebers eating a plate of spare ribs. Cue the outrage.

 

Mind you, none of this was done while either Morrissey or Kuchinich were on stage, nor were they asked to eat the ribs. But apparently, the mere existence of the meat on the show was enough to send humorless Morrissey fans into a tailspin, writing an online petition to boycott David Letterman. Because if there's anything that's true in this world, it's that online petitions work.

 

It does get better, though. To further illustrate their utter lack of humor, the petition notes Letterman made "an odd request for guest Shia LaBoeuf to translate his last name, which is French for "the beef" -- because I guess the idea of a male actor with a last name "the beef" couldn't possibly be funny because "beef" and "meat" can be used as a sexual euphemism. Can we, as a nation, please calm down, accept that not everyone agrees with our decisions, and sometimes, people will even make jokes about them? And maybe learn to laugh at ourselves once in a while?

 

The petition is written so as if David Letterman had burst into the home of the petition writer, killed her firstborn, cooked, and ate it. Clearly, jokes about meat are serious business.

 

The text of the petition:

To whom it may concern:

 

I am writing to inform you of my intention to boycott CBS's Late Show with David Letterman and its sponsors until those responsible issue a sincere, public apology to Congressman Dennis Kucinich and singer-songwriter Morrissey for the public—albeit indirect—mocking they were forced to endure as invited guests on the show that aired June 29, 2007.

 

Early in the show, David Letterman was inexplicably handed a plate of spare ribs. Clearly perplexed, he asked why. His chortling producer responded, "It's a mistake."

 

Indeed.

 

Both Congressman Kucinich and Morrissey are vegetarians... a choice that is frequently met with derision, defensiveness and open hostility. This appeared to have been the case on the Letterman show. After the initial "confusion", Letterman set the plate of ribs aside. Then, upon returning from the commercial break, viewers watched Letterman partaking in the ribs and, later, offering them to audience members, who gleefully gnawed away at them for the cameras. Constant references to the ribs were made throughout the show (as well as an odd request for guest Shia LaBoeuf to translate his last name, which is French for "the beef"), though none of this took place while the vegetarian guests were onstage.

 

It all seemed quite pointed for such a pointless "mistake". The show's booker(s) surely would have been made aware that two of their guests were vegetarians, either through the guests' representatives, their bios or their backstage riders. Such basic information is customarily passed along to the host/interviewer, as well. Whether it was or not is a matter for the show's host and producers to address internally. My "beef" is with the disrespect shown these two guests and, by extension, their fans and supporters, and vegetarians in general.

 

Ultimately, the Letterman show's cast, producers and staff are free to choose how they treat their guests... just as I and countless other viewers are free to change the channel in favor of more civilized entertainment. Like Flavor of Love Charm School.

 

I thank you for your time and look forward to your response.

There's even a MySpace with contact information of everyone remotely related to the show -- I think some of their mothers are even on there, implicated for merely giving birth to people who dare joke about meat.

 

By the way, as a vegetarian myself, I have to offer the following advice: if your dietary choices are "frequently met with derision, defensiveness and open hostility," you're doing it wrong! I have never had anything more than someone say "why?" or "oh, okay" when I said, "I don't eat meat." Then again, I don't freak out about things like what David Letterman eats, or who he eats it around.

 

Christ, people. Get a grip.

 

Here's a video of the performance, including the last second of the show, where you hear Letterman, post-credits, say "mmm, spare ribs!" Oh, the horror!