Jack White once said, "Make sure you never do it with a singer, cause he'll tell everyone in the world." Well, that certainly applies to the other gender as well. Female singers can have some of the most spiteful lyrics known to man (or woman). You would be well advised to never date a woman in a band, and a solo female performer is even worse. If you ever mess up - or even worse, break up with her - then you can rest assured your insensitivity will be put to music, encapsulating your douchebaggery in lyrical format for music fans worldwide. God forbid the song becomes a hit, then you'll be "that dickhead from that song" for the rest of your life. Just look at Dave Coulier. He was beloved as Uncle Joey on "Full House," but ever since 1996 he's been known as "the jackass that cheated on Alanis Morrisette." And unfortunately for Coulier, you can't tell 100 million radio listeners to "cut... it... out."
Which brings us to Kelly Clarkson. Kelly just released a new song called "Never Again," and it's already becoming a hit. There's an old adage that goes, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all." Well apparently Clarkson prefers a different saying: "That fucker's gonna pay for dumping me!"
Let's break down the lyrics to "Never Again" and see why it's probably a good idea to never date a singer.
Here we go...
***
Kelly Clarkson
"Never Again"
My December
I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you're in bed with her
you think of me
Kelly wastes no time ripping this guy and his new girlfriend apart. Do you realize what it would take for a ring to turn a finger green? Even if it was incredibly tight, it would cut off circulation and possibly cause a dark purplish hue. Your finger would probably have to die and start rotting before it turned to anything resembling green. Hopefully the girl would wise up and take the ring off before it escalated to that point. The only way this could happen is if Kelly put some sort of poison on the ring, which would be pretty messed up.
As for the "thinking of me when you're in bed with her" thing, I don't think the ex-boyfriend is going to take that as an insult. In fact, most men have a list of people they think of when in bed with a girl. Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba are usually toward the top of that list, then it scans through some supermodels, a few other random actresses, maybe a Pussycat Doll or two, Kelly Clarkson, and then the actual girl they're with.
I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try make it all okay
"I never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well." Oh... SNAP!!!
The "never read your letter" part is pretty harsh; that basically implies that the guy is boring and predictable. And the "Sunday school answer" line... well, sorry champ, but she basically just called you a pussy.
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks
to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again
This is mean. It's one thing to bring up relationship flaws for the whole world to hear, but to rub her success in the guy's face? That's just cruel. So he's working an entry-level position at the Macy's corporate offices. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone can be a famous pop star, Kelly.
If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
Don't knock the trophy wife. For some people, that's a necessity, like air, water, or a yacht club membership. Kelly actually brings up a good point here. The ex's new girlfriend surely knows what went down with Kelly and her man. And she's just going to ignore it and hope that he'll change? History repeats itself, and he's sure to screw his new woman over just like he did to Clarkson. Kelly is expressing a reasonable concern. Of course, she doesn't have to be such a bitch about it.
You'll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away
What's it like to be a huge vag?!? I don't know, let's ask Kelly Clarkson's ex-boyfriend! By the way, dying together but alone requires a serious lack of communication. Or a top-rate hologram machine.
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again
She says "never again," but you know she's gonna do him at least once or twice more. These break-ups never take on the first attempt. Still, what would it be like to break up with a girl and then have her become a huge star? That would be the exact opposite of winning the lottery, wouldn't it? Imagine if you bought a lottery ticket and got zero numbers right, and then the government came to your house and took away a million dollars and your girlfriend. That's basically what it's like to be this guy. Sucks, indeed.
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!
Now, when you say never...
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
"Hey Jim... you're looking well... oh, really, thanks... yeah, well, I just got my hair styled... anyway, what have you been up to?... oh, really?... the Mobil Station... how's that going?... oh, night manager... yeah, you don't say... what have I been doing?... well, perhaps you've seen MTV lately... or maybe VH1... or ANY OTHER CHANNEL?!?! OR ANY RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD?!?!?! YEAH, WHAT, I'M KELLY CLARKSON, MOTHAFUCKA, WHAT NOW?!?!?!!??! Enjoy that night manager shift, dickweed!!!"
I Never Will
I never will
Never again
Hey Kelly, can we still be friends??? Ahhh, I'm sorry, I can't say it with a straight face.
***
The lesson is clear. If you want to date a singer, do so at your own risk. Because the minute you mess up, your mistake will be immortalized for the rest of time in song. If you're a sane and logical person, you should know that dating a singer is not worth the risk.
Ah, you know what? Screw it. I'd still go out with Kelly Clarkson. She's really cute.
