Admittedly, I am biased as a long-time GWAR fan, but let's face it: a good horror movie is a good horror movie. And while I am just going on production stills and a plot summary, I fail to see how this is a good monster movie or a horror movie. And what the hell did they do with the reported $6 million budget? Why do their costumes look so crappy?
And why is the poster so hilarious? It actually made me laugh. I don't think it was supposed to.
Now, while I don't think anything would get me to like Lordi the band [short of them making actual metal music and admitting they ripped GWAR off], there's little that will make me rule out a horror movie. I actually saw See No Evil [the movie starring WWE wrestler Kane] in a theatre. On opening night.
That said... Here are your stills from Dark Floors. And the plot?
Concerned for her autistic daughter's health, a father sees her removal from the hospital by force as the only option. An elevator breakdown prevents a smooth exit and renders them trapped with others. Yet the incident is only the beginning of a descent into nightmare. As the doors open, the hospital appears mysteriously deserted. When mutilated bodies are found, creatures from a dark world start a frightening attack. It soon becomes clear that the survival of the group may rest solely on the little girl.
Cheese planet. Though if the father is really a woman, as this official plot summary suggests, that alone might be worth it. If only because the father's boobs could maybe scare off the monsters in a reversal of The Crying Game ending. Or not. It was probably just a typo on their part.
Why the hell doesn't someone give GWAR $6 million to make a movie? Can you imagine what they'd do with that kind of money? Or hell, give it to Lloyd Kaufman of Troma. Or give it to me, for all I care. $6 million is quite a lot of fake blood....
*sigh*
All of this said, maybe the movie will work on some level. I mean, if I was trapped in an elevator and Lordi was lurking around, I'd be poking fun at them, but at the same time, terrified they'd start playing "Hard Rock Hallelujah." And in that sense, I guess they are kind of scary.
