You could make an argument that night of the MTV Video Music Awards is the music industry's biggest night of the year.
If that's the case, it's not a great reflection on the current state of the music industry. The show had potential, but because of a few errant judgment calls, it's already going down as one of the worst VMA's in history.
Let's review some of the highlights and lowlights of the 2007 Video Music Awards. Generally I'd prefer to cover the highlights first, but everyone wants to talk about Britney, so let's get right to the lowlights.
LOWLIGHTS
Britney's Performance - Britney's "comeback" attempt has already been covered ad naseum (I think my mom even Liveblogged it). Everyone is talking about her outfit, her lip-synching and the lackluster performance. But what I haven't heard much about is how cracked-out Britney looked on stage. If you looked at her eyes, you know what I'm talking about. Did she take 10 Xanax before she went on stage? She wasn't just lackluster; she seemed spaced-out and distant the entire time. Hell, I'm not sure she even knew she was at the VMA's.
Seeing Britney -- arguably the greatest performer in VMA history -- choke away this performance was equivalent to seeing Michael Jordan pull up for a jumpshot to win the NBA championship, then airballing. I was prepared to make jokes about her performance, but it was just sad. I legitimately fear for this girl's life. She's already in the middle stages of Anna Nicole Syndrome, and odds of her living past 2009 have dropped to around 30%. Rock n' roll tragedies happen all the time, but it's rare we get an advance notice.
The Production - Like Eric Murphy with Medellin, I saw potential greatness in this year's VMA's. However, the planning was awful. How can you set up a bunch of suites with artists performing all night, and then not show a full song? The Foo Fighters recruited Cee-Lo to play "Darling Nikki," and you're going to cut it off after a minute? Kanye West plays the #2 hit in the country, and you go to commercial before he can finish the lyric about blonde dykes? If all MTV showed were the performances, the show would have been amazing. But, then again, if that happened, we wouldn't have gotten to see Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner name-drop their new movie 876,982 times.
The Pre-Show - Here is what we learned from the VMA Pre-Show Royale:
-Paris Hilton's solution to overcoming her recent problems includes dressing like a 40-year old
-Nicole Scherzinger can give the best performance of the night without singing a word
-John Norris lets a 14-year old girl do his hair
-Everybody was wasted before the show even started
Chris Brown - A lot of people will tell you that Chris Brown's performance was a highlight of the show. A lot of people are wrong. I'll keep this short because I think it's wrong to make fun of 12-year olds, but when you do a Michael Jackson song, Michael Jackson is supposed to show up and perform a duet, then say something ridiculous about winning the "Best Performer of the Century Award." If you can't follow through on that implied promise, then don't bother. Also, when Rihanna came out during Chris Brown's performance, I was all set for a duet of that "You Can Be My Cinderella" remix. No joke, I had the remote in hand, and I was literally 5 seconds away from ending my VMA experience for good. I'll give MTV credit for avoiding that potential catastrophe.
Sarah Silverman - We all saw what happened. There's no need to pour salt into the wounds.
The Seizure-Inducing Nominee Clips - I'm still shaking. My hand-eye coordination may never be the same. Luckily it's the middle of the month, because I don't think I'll be about to write out a check for at least a week.
Diddy - I say this with full respect, as Diddy is one of my heroes. But... someone needs to teach him the difference between hosting a party and appearing on TV. Whenever he touches the mic, he just gives shout-outs and yells random shit to hype people up. That would be awesome if he was MC'ing my birthday party, but he's on national TV. Although, in fairness to Diddy, at least we can all rest easy knowing that Yung Joc is "holding it down."
Attention Deficit Disorder - Judging by the pace of the show and the way MTV refused to air full songs, we can assume that the channel believes everyone on Earth suffers from ADD. I have more faith in humanity and I don't believe this. However... MTV does know its demographic, and I don't like to take chances. So here's a picture of Nicole Scherzinger to keep you all interested...
Mark Ronson - Is it possible to be overexposed before you're even exposed? Because I think Ronson fits the bill.
The Shameless Product Plugs - You can read all about this on Shoutmouth's LiveBlog of the 2007 VMA's, available exclusively at Shoutmouth.com, the source for music news!
"What Happens in Vegas"- At the start of the VMA's, Alicia Keys announced that MTV won't be re-running the show, because "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." This catchphrase was OK when it was limited to Cancun and Vegas, but now it has become way overused and completely lame. I swear the other day I saw someone wearing a shirt that said "What Happens in Binghamton, NY, Stays in Binghamton, NY!" It's time for a new marketing slogan.
Missing the Giants-Cowboys Game - It was the highest scoring game in the history of the series, and I skipped it to watch a show where the most eloquent speakers were three girls from "The Hills."
Alright, enough of that, let's get to the positive...
HIGHLIGHTS
The Women - My God, every woman on the show looked amazing. There wasn't a single time where I thought, "she doesn't look that good tonight." Everyone - presenters, performers, random MTV VJ's, Megan Fox - looked incredible. Some, like Rihanna and Nicole Scherzinger, have never looked better. My favorite appearance of the night was by Beyonce's breasts, who were nice enough to bring Beyonce along as their +1.
Kanye West - His performances in the Fantasy Suite were outstanding. The fact that he gave everyone Kanye West sunglasses made it even better. He admitted that the whole 50 Cent "feud" is just a publicity stunt, which is funny because it's still going to work. And if that's not enough, I heard Kanye on the radio this morning complaining about the show, saying that MTV didn't "let him shine." He's right. He also said that Justin Timberlake is his second favorite artist, behind himself. Awesome.
Nicole Scherzinger - I know I've mentioned her a dozen times, but what can I say? I'm a fan. Also, credit to Lil Wayne for freestyling a verse about how he can't spell Scherzinger's last name.
Rihanna - She looked amazing. Her 20 second performance of "Umbrella" was great. Her version of "Shut Up and Drive" with Fall Out Boy was entertaining. She won Video of the Year, in what had to have been the easiest decision ever. And she looked amazing.
Adrian Grenier - My favorite presenter of the night was Grenier, a.k.a. Vincent Chase of "Entourage." We've reached a point where Adrian Grenier no longer exists, and he has become Vincent Chase in real life. There's no more acting involved. He is Vinny Chase. I used to think James Gandolfini would be the most typecast actor ever. Then I thought it would be Napoleon Dynamite. But now, I'm thinking Grenier could take the cake. Can you ever picture him in another role? I was watching a movie the other day with Grenier and Melissa Joan Hart, where Grenier plays this kid who is kind of dorky. And the whole movie I kept thinking, "I don't get it, he's Vinny Chase, why doesn't he just bang her?" As he presented the MTV award, I kept waiting for him to say "I am Queens Boulevard" and give a speech about the universe having a plan and whatnot.
Miss South Carolina - The highlight of the show, Miss SC did a hilarious parody of her infamous speech from the Miss America pageant. It just goes to show, you can be as stupid as you want, but just make sure you're really hot.
Gym Class Heroes - I love the fact that a group that has been around for a decade won the Best New Artist award, got called "Gym Class Fallout" by Jennifer Garner, and then sprayed alcohol on each other like they had just won the World Series.
Kid Rock vs. Tommy Lee - Information on this fight is sketchy, but here's what I've been able to gather: Kid Rock walked past Tommy Lee, Lee yelled some insults that no doubt involved Pamela Anderson, Rock gave Lee a backhand slap, Lee got ready to retaliate, Rock punched Lee in the face, bouncers intervened, Lee got thrown out and Rock returned to his seat to watch the rest of the show.
This would've been the greatest moment in VMA history, except for the fact that MTV didn't show it on camera. How do you drop the ball on that one?
If Fox doesn't bring back "Celebrity Boxing" for this, it'll be everyone's loss. They can have a title bout of Rock v. Lee, with undercards of Kanye v. 50 and Hasselbeck v. O'Donnell. C'mon Fox, do the right thing.
Along these same lines...
Jamie Foxx - "Stop the white-on-white violence." Amazing quote.
Justin Timberlake's Plea For More Music Videos - I like the idea, but sadly it came ten years too late. What's next, Justin, asking people to do the Macarena and respect President Clinton's privacy? Now, if JT said, "I challenge MTV to play a music video," then maybe he would've gotten his wish. This is one of those (many) times when I wish I was Justin Timberlake; I would've won the award and said something like, "MTV, I challenge you to bring The Miz back to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge!! And give Tommy from ‘True Life: Jersey Shore' his own series!!! Yeah, that's right, I said it!!!"
There you have it. All in all, the VMA's were one missed opportunity after another. But amidst all the negatives were a few shining rays of hope. Let's hope MTV remedies the situation by putting the full Fantasy Suite performances and the Tommy Lee-Kid Rock fight on YouTube.
[Update: We're halfway there.]
