It's official: everyone has a day. And October 17th is the day for Straight Edgers everywhere to, well, not do much of anything to honor their commitment to the straight edge lifestyle. They're not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, or having casual sex today in various cities, to celebrate not doing those things ever.
If you have a special straight edge person in your life, and want to help them celebrate, I'm not really sure what you do. Hallmark has yet to make cards for this special day, and you can't really throw them much of a party, but I'm sure they'd like to have some well wishes sent their way, either way.
I don't know what the average straight edge kid has on their Amazon.com wishlist, but here are some suggestions for gifts for your favorite straight edge person:
O'Doul's - While enjoying Pabst or Schlitz or a respectable punk rock beer, offer your sXe friend an O'Doul's. Their slogan is "Go ahead, it's an O'Doul's!" This is the perfect beer for masochistic people who can't resist the taste of shitty beer, but don't even want the buzz of regular shitty beer. In other words, it's perfect for straight edge people.
Minor Threat: The Complete Discography - Of course, no self-respecting straight edge kid doesn't have this CD, but that's besides the point. A gift like this shows you care and are trying to understand their lifestyle. Besides, it would be too much work to start actually researching lesser-known straight edge bands. Stick to the iconic and you should be safe.
A Real Doll - Given that these things are expensive, you won't be buying it for a casual sober acquaintance, but if someone takes their edge to such an extreme they won't even have sex, they're going to need the release. Then, you should buy them tickets to that movie about the dude who falls in love with a real doll so they can see just how dangerous your gift actually is.
Candy Cigarettes - Believe it or not, they do still make these. And they're safe, non-addictive, and totally straight edge. Though I'm pretty sure they won't work if your friend is both straight edge and vegan, in which case [s]he probably needs to live in a bubble or something.
Wait -- I have a better idea. How about you show them a really good time, get wasted, have some sex, and show your poor, deprived friend how the rest of us live? Though, in fairness, I don't recommend giving them actual cigarettes, as a lot of people are turned off by them and it may impede upon their efforts to finally get laid.
Either way, happy edge day! Man, I could use a good, strong Margarita right about now....
