Welcome to a new feature on Shoutmouth called "Classic Love Songs." Throughout the history of music, styles and trends may have changed, but there have always been great love songs. We know them, we've listened to them many times, and we've fallen in and out of love to them.

 

What, exactly, makes a love song great? What separates run-of-the-mill affection from a passionate, fiery romance for the ages? Today, we examine one of the greatest love songs of all-time:

 

Crazy Town's "Revolving Door"

 

There are many reasons a love song can be great, but with this particular example, it all comes down to the lyrics. Let's dive head-first into the lyrics of this beautiful lovers' anthem and try to uncover what makes it a "Classic Love Song." If you're not familiar with the song, you may want to watch the video first (it's all the way at the bottom). By the way, you kids who are under 18, you might wanna sit this one out; it could get a little too romantic for you.

 

 

Now ladies come, ladies go out my revolving door
Some ladies never come back
Most come back for more

I've got a house in the hills
With a door that spins
Goes in and out, out and in
'round and 'round again

 

 

"Revolving Door" was the fourth single off Crazy Town's 1999 album, The Gift of Game. The romantically-titled album also featured such memorable songs as "Butterfly," "Lollipop Porn," "Only When I'm Drunk" and "Players (Only Love You When They're Playing)." Clearly the men of Crazy Town are connoisseurs when it comes to the field of love. Rapper Shifty Shellshock - whose real name is Seth Binzer; shocking that he chose to go with a stage name - alternates verses with co-front man Bret Mazur on this song.

 

There's nothing a woman loves more than to take a number and become one in a long line of random sexual partners for a heavily-tattooed white rapper. It lets her know her man is the type of guy who's amazing enough to nail many anonymous skanks, to the point where he has to install a revolving door in his house to keep the line moving. Yes, Shifty Shellshock is to casual intercourse what the DMV is to license plates. That's reassuring for any woman, because really, who wants to date some loser who can't get anyone else? These women know they've found themselves a winner in Mr. Shellshock.

 

 

I live a life these player haters would love to be living since a kid
I've been surround by beautiful women and slippin' in them to win them
The unforgiven, still some thing's missing

Cuz deep inside I'm suffering of a lonely heart condition
Wishing that I could find a girl that would take me away

From the chaos of the city and the everyday part that I play
Tell me why lay low, why say no when I got girls serenading at my window
Ladies good to go

 

 

Speaking of winning, if you're going to be slippin' it in a girl, you have to be in it to win it. Girls like that kind of goal-oriented thinking because it lets them know that they're being fully appreciated. This is no time to half-ass it, metaphorically or literally.

 

Of course, Shifty Shellshock isn't just trying to win some vagina... he's trying to win love. In this verse, Shifty makes it clear that his sport fucking is really just an elaborate ploy to gain a wider pool of potential love interests. Though he's got women serenading him at his window, nothing sings as loudly as the prospects of an eternal undying romance. Sure he's a player, but he's a player with a heart of gold. It's that kind of deep-down, passionate sentiment that gets these women to walk through his revolving door and open their legs like a French closet.

 

 

We's Major league, the new breed no so-so.
Highly advanced and got the game to get in and girls' pants

And romance her stone cuz I more than hold my own

They call me Shifty Capone
I make them moan
Yes, I'm the one

Between the sheets I amaze and stun

Ain't no need for me to brag about the way that I'm hung
Let's just say I got the skills to get the flyest girl sprung
Or to take and make an older lady feel young.

 

 

Although Shifty Shellshock might sound like the name of an ADD-afflicted Ninja Turtle, he's obviously built more like an elephant, if you know what he's saying. Yes ladies, when you swim in Shifty Sea, you get the motion of the ocean and the size of the wave. No matter your age, your style, or how fly you are, Shifty's got just what you need, and he lets you know it with some help from a steady drum beat and bouncing guitar. That has to be reassuring to any young woman looking for a potential suitor.

 

 

Now ladies come, ladies go out my revolving door
Some ladies never come back
Most come back for more

I've got a house in the hills
With a door that spins
Goes in and out, out and in
'round and 'round again

 

 

Women care about class. And it's not just about social status or money. How a man carries himself is very important, too. And what's classier than having a revolving door? Think about it. Where do you find revolving doors? Hotels, clubs, restaurants, airports, department stores... high class locations. I mean, you don't go down to Denny's and go through the revolving doors to get your Grand Slam Breakfast. It's a classy entrance for a classy woman.

 

 

I keep my girls in rotation, door rotating
You looking for a good time, I'm always on vacation
You could stop by baby if you want to try your luck
But don't waste my time unless you're down to fuck

Unless your coming back for more, well then you know what's up
You know the routine

Girl, you're not the one, you're just a one night fling
Some ass to hold Casanova over till the right girl pass

And when the right girl pass I'll drop this lifestyle fast
Cuz what I'm looking for is the one that will last

And make my present a past
My adolescence surpassed by the will to chill
I'm looking for something real in a world of fake ho's in high heels

 

 

This verse comes courtesy of Bret Mazur. Notice Mazur's direct no-frills approach to dating. Surely women can appreciate a guy who tells them what he's looking for up front. Let's say you're a female. Do you want a guy who's going to give you the run-around, or a guy who says "don't waste my time unless you're down to fuck?" As your grandmother would say, "honesty is the best policy." And if you happen to be that piece of ass to "hold Casanova over til the right girl pass," well then don't worry. At least you won't go in expecting some deep and meaningful connection. With properly managed expectations, you're sure to find any relationship more fulfilling, even if you is just some trick-ass ho in pleather high heels gettin' played like a bass drum.

 

 

I'll drip hot wax on your nipples, causing trouble

And when you ride me, yo I'll be throwing up that triple double
My sex drives kicking, I'm sexually exploring
So many possibilities, it seems my life can never get boring


Cuz I ain't fucking around
I'll rub you down the right way

I'll rock your world nightly
So, can I hit it lightly?
Yo girl I like it like that

Let me hit from the back
I'm a natural aphrodisiac

Better known as a mack

 

 

Shifty drops in quickly to provide the first stanza of this verse, before Mazur returns with the promise that he "ain't fucking around." The way Mazur creates a romantic atmosphere, he's like a dimmer-switch, a Key Lime candle and a bottle of Yellowtail all put together. How could any woman resist his mack-ish ways?

 

As for Shifty, he clearly takes a more bad-boy approach than Mazur. He plays by nobody's rules but his own, and occasionally his record producer's. He's causing trouble, but don't worry girls, he's doing it in a fun and exciting way. Plus, we all know how much women love athletes, so Mr. Shellshock's promise to "throw up a triple-double" is quite the aphrodisiac as well.

 

(A triple-double... is that some sort of amped-up version of the shocker? Either way, pretty romantic.)

 

 

Now ladies come, ladies go out my revolving door
Some ladies never come back
Most come back for more

I've got a house in the hills
With a door that spins
Goes in and out, out and in
'round and 'round again

 

 

Well, I think we've clarified why this song is so romantic. Every woman dreams of dating the bad boy and having him eventually turn into their knight in shining armor. This song is just like that fairy tale Sleeping Beauty, except with more tattoos and rapping. In fact, I'm pretty sure that in the original version of Sleeping Beauty, Prince Phillip told Princess Aurora, "don't waste my time unless you down to fuck," but it was ultimately edited out for time constraints. So you see the parallels. When you combine that with Shifty Shellshock's soothing flow and sleek abdominal muscles, it's no wonder this song has gone down in history as one of the most romantic tunes of all-time.

 

And that, my friends, is why "Revolving Door" is one of Shoutmouth's "Classic Love Songs."

 

I would ask all the ladies out there for their thoughts, but I have a feeling they've already left to form a line outside Crazy Town's house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lyrics courtesy of sing365.com]