Between radio, TV and the Internet, there's a ton of new music coming out these days. Unless you're paying constant attention, chances are some of it has slipped under your radar.
For all you pop music fans with no time on your hands, I've compiled some of the latest pop hits to help keep you up-to-date. And for those of you who despise pop music, well, I've tried to make fun of the songs, too. Hopefully there's a little something for everyone.
The Hits
Timbaland f/ Keri Hilson "The Way I Are"
You often hear about recluses, a.k.a. people who don't go out in public. Generally this classification is used for people of generations past, like famous reclusive author J.D. Salinger, or for psychos like the Unabomber. But these are the extreme cases. What really makes a person a recluse?
I'm gonna throw this out there, and you can either take it or throw it right back: If you have never heard this song, not even once, then I would say that you are officially a recluse.
Pink "Who Knew"
Pink made a video about a carnival and didn't include fried dough, people with missing teeth, or a shirt that says "The Man (Up Arrow), The Legend (Down Arrow)." What's next, a video about baseball that doesn't include bats?
Kat DeLuna "Whine Up"
This is probably my favorite song about whining up. Kat of the Moon deserves a lot of credit for her breakthrough summer.
The Up-and-Comers
Backstreet Boys "Inconsolable"
When this song came out I was bracing myself for a billion lame "Backstreet's Back" jokes from every media outlet in the country. It hasn't happened. I'm both shocked and proud. Good work, America.
Nickelback "Rockstar"
Earlier this year, the Shop Boyz had a hit rap song called "Party Like a Rockstar." R. Kelly's latest album has a song called "Rock Star." Hannah Montana, Prima J, Everclear, Ja Rule, N.E.R.D. and Yellowcard have all released songs with "Rock Star" in the title, as have several others.
The point? Two things, actually.
First off, we as a society need to get together and decide whether Rockstar is one word or two. I'm voting for one word, and here's why. Two words ("Rock Star") implies that you are both play rock, and are a star. This wouldn't apply to rappers or pop stars, even though some of them are just as deserving of the title. On the other hand, the singular "Rockstar" takes on a meaning all its own. What makes someone a Rockstar? Well, that's a discussion for another time. But regardless, in my opinion, the phrase "Rock Star" focuses more on the rock, while "Rockstar" focuses more on the star.
The second issue is -- and all you young artists listen up -- that the word "Rockstar" is ridiculously overused. Once that girl from "Real World Denver" started using the phrase constantly, it should have been banned for at least 5 years. Since the government won't step in, I'm telling you. No more calling yourself a "Rockstar" (or a "Rock Star") until 2012. If you do, we will automatically assume that you aren't a Rockstar. If you are a repeat offender, we will be forced to assume you suck. You can refer to others as Rockstars, just not yourself. In 2012, you can use the phrase again, but only in moderation. In the meantime, feel free to start popularizing the term "Rapstar."
(I can't believe I get paid to think about stuff like this.)
Maroon 5 "Wake Up Call"
The girl in this video looks like a sluttier version of Anne Hathaway, which is funny, because I'm pretty sure Adam Levine is wearing Prada. I actually like this song, which means it'll never be big (historically speaking, my approval of a song is equivalent to the Kiss of Death).
Plies f/ T-Pain "Shawty"
On the flip side, I can't stand this song, so you know it'll be a huge hit.
Does T-Pain have a clause in his contract that says any song he's involved with has to be about strippers or shawty's? And is "Shawty" the lyrical compliment of "Rockstar?" Will "Pimps "& Ho's" parties be replaced by "Rockstars & Shawties" parties?
Vanessa Carlton "Nolita Fairytale"
At first I thought "Nolita" referred to a young girl who wasn't a slut. Like, it was the 2007 equivalent of a "Hollaback Girl." I ain't no Lolita... I'm a NO-Lita! Turns out it's a neighborhood in New York City. Oh well.
The Brand New
Fall Out Boy "I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You)"
Great title. Sadly, the director of this video committed one of the cardinal sins of video-making. Never, EVER stop the song in the middle of the video, unless your name is Hype Williams (and even then, try to avoid it). You are not making a movie. You are making a 4-minute visual clip to entertain our eyes and counteract our ADD while we listen to a song. A video should be an accompaniment to a song. It shouldn't override the song.
This song will be a massive, massive hit.* All they needed to do was show the band playing in some abandoned warehouse with the singer looking out a window next to a candlelit box of letters from a mysterious ex-girlfriend before posing on a mountaintop, like every other rock video, and they would've been fine. Instead, we've got a drum circle breakdown. Too bad.
*See Maroon 5 for more info on this prediction
Kanye West f/ T-Pain "Good Life"
Welcome to the Good Life, where we sip champagne and wear pink sweaters! I can't say enough about Kanye's new album and this song in particular. T-Pain even broke his contract for this one. This is my pick of the week, although I'm not sure what that means.
Gwen Stefani f/ Damian Marley "Now That You Got It"
One of the main reasons I got hired at Shoutmouth was because of an article I had written about Gwen's song "Hollaback Girl." The whole point of the article was that the song was incredibly awful, and yet I couldn't help but love it. I compared it to a car that went over 100,000 miles and was back at zero; it was so terrible that it was amazing.
I feel the same way about this song, to a slightly lesser degree. Embrace it now or be annoyed for the next 6 months.
Token Rock Pick
Finger Eleven "Falling On"
A great rock song with crossover potential.
Token Indie Pick
Rilo Kiley "Moneymaker"
A lot is made over singer Jenny Lewis' looks, but the band is actually pretty decent too. Even if this chorus does sound a little like "Jukebox Hero."
The Classic Rock Song of the Week
The Eagles "The Long Run"
Videos from the ‘70s are funny.
The Classic Hip Hop Song of the Week
Wreckx-N-Effect "Rumpshaker"
In 2022, will people hold the same admiration for MIMS' "This Is Why I'm Hot" as people my age hold for Wreckx-N-Effect? I think it could happen, and that's scary.
And finally,
The Classic Pop Song of the Week
Britney Spears "I'm a Slave 4 U"
After seeing Britney's VMA disaster, I feel like we all need to revisit the glory days.
Also, you may have heard the rumors that Britney will be apologizing for her VMA performance during the Emmy's tomorrow night. I've gone ahead and prepared an apology speech for her. Hopefully she'll use this...
Hello, American public. Many of you witnessed my unfortunate performance at the MTV Video Music Awards last weekend. I would like to issue an apology to all of you, and everyone else who has been following my recent hardships.
Sorry.
Sorry for giving you ten years of hit songs. Sorry for making every girl in America stop wearing flannel shirts and start dressing like a stripper. Sorry for providing millions of Internet pages for dudes in their basements to beat off to. Sorry for paving the way so that Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and every other hot singer of the 2000s could be famous. Sorry for giving everyone at TMZ.com a job. Sorry for having two kids, still maintaining 6% body fat, then wearing underwear and dancing on national TV.
Then, she can rip off her face John Travolta-style, reveal that she's actually Jesus Christ come back to Earth, give some speech about remembering what's truly important in life, and then turn Susan Lucci into a giant bottle of wine and get the party started. Her popularity would be greater than ever before.
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