The guys returned tonight for the most boring, mediocre, waste of time American Idol episode in recent memory.
Without a fraction of the enthusiasm or showmanship consistently displayed by the women, the guys made a nation wonder what on earth they are doing on this show.
I’m tired of being nice. Time for the scoreboard:
Blake
Intonation: Not Applicable
Stage presence: B-
Comfort: B+
I think I hear ringing… Hello? Hello? Oh, never mind, it was just Blake phoning in his performance. Blake went all Tibetan on us tonight as he glided down the “path of least resistance” with a 311 track. After he “sang” this reggae- imbued alterna-rock gem, the judges weighed in. Randy, in his infinite wisdom, thought the performance was “hot” and Paula thought it was “really cool”. Simon, with a sense of disappointment that would only grow throughout the night, apathetically told Blake that he would stick around till next week.
Sanjaya
Intonation: B-
Stage presence: C
Comfort: C+
So many questions. Why does he look like a chick now? Why does he sound like a chick now? Why is he
talking about hula hoops? Why did he ruin a perfectly mediocre John Mayer song?
Two weeks ago, Sanjaya was in the Top 4! Have Americans lost their hearing? If Sanjaya survives another week, I will personally spearhead a federal investigation into “reverse outsourcing” in the voting process.
Sundance:
Intonation: C-
Stage presence: B-
Comfort: B-
Sundance ruined one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs and I may never forgive him. His performance had the intensity of a finely executed air guitar solo and proved that he has zero versatility. His very first audition with Stormy Monday was great. Whatever! I’m tired of using that as an excuse for him, as it was most certainly the last positive contribution he made to this show. He isn’t funny, he isn’t charming, he isn’t endearing and I want him to go home. Hopefully all of the Rock voters will see through his transparent attempt to pander to their votes. Randy thought the performance was “hot.” Super.
Chris R.
Intonation: B-
Stage presence: C-
Comfort: C
I had high expectations for Chris tonight and he let me down. Like most of the other guys tonight, he proved that he is in no way an American Idol, just a pretty decent pop singer. The mistake the men keep making is that they are not even trying to connect with the audience. They indulge themselves with their song choices, and then their message gets lost in translation. Chris- you sir, are no Justin Timberlake.
Jared
Intonation: B+
Stage presence: B+
Comfort: A-
I was hoping that Jared would save the show, but it didn’t go down like that. Not even Stevie Wonder’s upbeat “If you really love me” could carry us out of the dearth of quality performances tonight. This commercial for the horrific oxymoron of the Jack Black/romantic comedy “The Holiday” is more entertaining.
Jared’s main problem is that he has more ego than talent…and the guy has a lot of talent. If only the other dudes this season had 1/10th of his confidence, tonight might have been an entertaining show. To Jared’s credit- he is working hard to sell his songs. All the other guys are giving them away for free. In one of Paula’s more lucid moments, she commented on the need for Jared to “color” his vocal more, and the lack of dimension in his performances. Simon unnecessarily belittled Paula, and then chimed in that Jared’s “unoriginal” performance got “lost in the mix”. Then all the judges raised their Coke glasses.
Brandon
Intonation: B-
Stage presence: B
Comfort: B
All of the other guys got out of the way and left room for Brandon to steal the show tonight. Unfortunately, he dropped the ball instead. “I Just Want to Celebrate” is a great song when it’s in a car commercial. Brandon had 70% of the personality necessary to pull this performance off. Watching him sing this song made me strongly wish that I had been watching Melinda or Lakisha bring this one home.
Phil
Intonation: C
Stage presence: B-
Comfort: B
Phil, I had so much faith in you. This performance was way, way too risky. “I Need You” by Leanne Rimes is a great song-- when sung by a chick. ANY one of the women in the competition would have dominated this song. Phil is talented, but tonight he wasn’t even close to showing it. He is desperate, and showing that desperation by pulling out all of the stops—sloppily. He is bellowing instead of singing. Randy had the gumption to compare Phil to vocal deity Steve Perry, the former Journey leader.
:-O
All Journey fans out there (I know you are out there!) should probably leave their phones on the hook this week.
Chris S.
Intonation:B+
Stage presence: B+
Comfort: B+
Chris, if you don’t pick a lovable, pop-tastic, memorable, top 40-ish song soon- America will send you home. That, my friend, is just how we roll. Chris is obviously going for the Taylor Hicks comparison. I will tell you something about my friend Taylor. Taylor was not funny, but he was fun. Taylor wasn’t maudlin, but he had depth. Taylor was human where Chris just seems like a calculating overeager spacebot.
The women will be back tomorrow night at 8/7c to make ‘Idol’ fun again.
