A History of Lame Popular Dances (early 1900s - present)

Season 5 of the hit TV show "Dancing With The Stars" premiered last night, and millions tuned in to see what this year's contestants had to offer. You may wonder why anyone would want to watch a show about dancing celebrities, but the truth is, dancing has always been one of the pillars of entertainment in our society.

Throughout the past century, people have constantly been coming up with new fad dances. When one dance fades, another is there to take its place. The songs, the people, the clothing, the styles, and the morals may all change, but every one of these dances is held together by a common thread.

They're all really stupid.

Here is a rough timeline of stupid popular dances, starting in the early 1900s and continuing to the present day.

The Jitterbug

The Jitterbug started in the early 1900s and carried on for the next several decades. The dance got its name - this is a true story - from a slang term for alcoholics who suffered from the jitters. On top of being a crappy dance, it's also the opening to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." That alone is reason enough to wish death via bug bites upon the creator. Although, the creator probably died years ago, so it might not be necessary. The Foundation For Parkinson's Disease recently tried to bring the jitterbug back into style, but it was for very self-serving reasons and it didn't take.

The Jive

The Jive was a dance, popular in the 1940s, that evolved from African-American culture. It was a version of the Jitterbug, but less stiff and inhibited, probably because white people weren't involved. A variation of the dance, the Hand Jive, was responsible for ruining the movie Grease. Alright, several things were responsible for ruining the movie Grease, but that certainly didn't help.

The Chicken Dance

The Chicken Dance was started in the 1950s by a Swiss accordion player named Werner Thomas. Thrice divorced, he despised weddings and decided to invent the stupidest dance of all-time, to be played solely at weddings, thus making all wedding attendees look ridiculous. The plan worked. Werner died of syphilis a couple years later, but his vengeance carries on in the form of The Chicken Dance.

(PS - 90% of the previous paragraph was made up. But what other explanation could there be for such a retarded dance?)

The Twist

The Twist was popularized in the early 1960s by Chubby Checker. It's hardly even a dance. It's really just twisting back and forth. Hey, when a guy named "Chubby" starts a dance, you can bet it's not going to include a lot of movement. On the bright side, nobody's ever going to sue the guy for false advertising.

The Mashed Potato

This dance was popular in 1962 thanks to Dee Dee Sharp and his hit song "Mashed Potato Time." I would talk about how stupid pop music of the 60s was, but I just heard that "Lip Gloss" song on the radio, so nevermind. Really, this is just The Twist with a weirder name. With all that time our parents spent walking to school, uphill both ways, through the snowstorm in July, wearing milk cartons as shoes, I guess they didn't have much time to make original dances.

The Locomotion

This song first came out in 1962, and was once again popularized in 1988 by Kylie Minogue. The dance was actually invented before the song, much in the same way that Hollywood started filming Transformers before they even had written a script*. I honestly don't remember how this dance goes, but I could definitely describe what Kylie Minogue was wearing on the album cover.

(*Assumedly)

The Monster Mash

Same as The Mashed Potato, but on Halloween. This song/dance was also popular in 1962. What's with 1962 and dance moves? Did anything else happen that year or did Americans just spend the whole 52 weeks inventing new ways to gyrate their hips? The Monster Mash became a Halloween tradition until 1986, when it was replaced by the "Dress Up Like a Slutty Police Officer and Get Molested by a Guy in an Orange ‘This Is My Halloween Costume' T-Shirt Dance."

The Jerk

1960s dance. The name says it all.

Disco

Popular in the late 1970s, disco involved dance clubs, lots of hair gel and tight-fitting shirts. Needless to say, it was huge in Staten Island. Everyone knows that John Travolta was the most famous disco dancer, thanks to his role in Saturday Night Fever. However, he loses major points because he was assisted by a light-up floor. Oh yes, just like steroids on the Tour de France, people don't talk much about light-up floors and disco dancing. But it was certainly an unfair advantage.

The Hustle

Also big in the 70s, The Hustle originated in New York and Miami, and was influenced by The Mambo. The Hustle goes hand-in-hand with disco dancing. When your parents try to tell you that drug use in the 70s wasn't really that bad, all you have to do is point out this dance and say, "Yeah, sure thing mom."

The YMCA

The infamous Village People hit of 1979, and its accompanying dance. Here's a joke for you:

Q: What's the worst part about doing the YMCA?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.

The Robot

This dance began in the mid-70s thanks to Michael Jackson, who as you'll see was the Thomas Edison of lame cultural dances. Could you imagine if robots actually rose up and took over the Earth one day? They would see videos of people doing The Robot and say, "do you seriously think we dance like that?" Then they'd destroy us out of spite. Or at least get back at us by inventing a lame dance called "The Human."

Pop & Lock

An 1980s classic, similar to the robot but with more rhythm. This dance was big among hip hop fans. It was also seen in Billy Joel's video for "Uptown Girl." Because those two demographics are obviously on the same page.

The Moonwalk

Only one person can do this: Michael Jackson. Everyone else looks like a fool. Actually, that's not even true. If Michael Jackson of today did this, he'd look like a fool, as well. Of course, he looks that way just walking down the street, so there you go.

Breakdancing

Breakdancing grew popular in the 1980s, and it can still be seen today in such classic films as You Got Served and You Got Served 2. According to some historians, breakdancing was originally used by rival gangs to settle territorial disputes. Eventually, they realized that shooting each other worked much better. Israel and the P.L.O. actually tried to settle their dispute with a breakdancing match in 1987. Unfortunately, judges called it a tie, and the fight rages on. Despite its coolness, breakdancing is one of the most dangerous dances ever. More than one person has broken their neck and died after an unsuccessful headspin attempt. But look on the bright side. They may have died, but they looked real fly doing it.

Walking Like An Egyptian

Popularized by the Bangles, this involves holding your hands in a series of "L"-shaped patterns and walking. I sincerely doubt anyone in Egypt ever danced this way, and I really dislike when historical accuracy is sacrificed for the benefit of dancing.

The Electric Slide

We all know it. The Electric Slide was choreographed in 1976 for Marcia Griffith's song "Electric Boogie." However, the song did not become a hit until it was re-released in 1989. When it did break through, it became a huge dance craze. The Electric Slide is still commonly played at weddings, middle school dances and block parties, which is the Triple Crown of lame dancing.

The Running Man

Like Dance Dance Revolution without the mat. Yep, that cool.

Vogue

Any dance that leads to Madonna in bondage gear is alright by me. For the record, I'm talking about 80s/early 90s Madonna.

The Bartman

An early 90s craze. Very tough to do if you aren't a cartoon.

Moshing

Moshing (or slamdancing) started at 1970s punk rock shows, and really took off in the 80s and 90s. Moshing probably started with some guy accidentally bumping into a larger guy, then pretending it was a type of dance so the bigger guy didn't kick his ass.

The Bump & Grind

Popularized by one R. Kelly in the 90s, this dance finally made it acceptable to molest girls in public. In other words... best dance ever!

The Carlton (from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air")

Well, this dance is awesome and clearly doesn't belong on the list.

The Macarena

A mid-90s smash. This is hands down the stupidest dance of all-time, so much so that I can not even begin to explain how it works. I'm pretty sure that even the guys who came up with this song hated this dance, hated this song, and are in actuality psychotic sociopaths who were trying to cause as much harm to society at large without getting arrested. Los Del Rio: A branch of Al Qaeda?

Swing Dancing

This began in the early part of the 1900s, but came back with a vengeance in 1997 when the Brian Setzer Orchestra, the Squirrel Nut Zippers, and that whole swing dance phase came around. What the hell was wrong with America in 1997? I mean, we listened to swing music, ska, and Sugar Ray... at the same time??? I guess swing dancing was fine the first time around; after all, kids didn't have video games back then, so they needed something to do. But in '97? We had Playstation!! Unacceptable.

The Glo-Stick

I don't go to dance clubs often, but I've heard that people there dance with glo-sticks. In fact, I've heard that some people actually use the glo-sticks to juggle a glo-ball like some douched-out wizard. And others put the glo-sticks in their mouths, creating a glo-smile. If all of this sounds highly questionable, it should. The last thing I'd want to see at a club is some dude acting like he was starring in a homoerotic techno version of Lord of the Rings. I've never tried Ecstasy, but I imagine you would need it to put up with guys like that.

The One-Two Step

Invented by Ciara in the 2000s, this dance includes... wait for it... two steps. It is highly popular amongst lazy people and girls celebrating their Super Sweet 16 parties.

The Lean Back Dance (also known as "The Rockaway")

Invented by Fat Joe just a few years ago, this dance is exactly what it claims to be. You just lean back, lean forward, lean back, lean forward, and so on for 4 minutes. Another fat guy, another dance that involves almost no movement. Go figure. This dance also involves pulling up your pants. If for some reason you were forced to do a dance while taking a shit, this would definitely be the choice. Also, if you're doing The Rockaway in the presence of young children, be careful during the "pull up your pants" portion of the dance. There's this clause in Megan's Law... anyway, I don't want to get into it, but trust me, be careful.

The ‘Crank Dat' Dance

The latest dance craze comes courtesy of rapper Soulja Boy. This dance looks like a retarded kid doing the Chicken Dance while drowning, only not as cool. And sure, in 3 months this dance will be a distant memory, but for now, it is an obsession of people nationwide.

So what have we learned? No matter how cool you think a new dance is, it will inevitably be mocked at some point in the future. Now stop dancing like an idiot and go stand in the corner.