Easter Weekend is just one day away, and we're celebrating a resurrection... in music sales!! This week, the top album sold approximately 325,000 copies. Compare that to the last few weeks, in which the top albums have barely reached 100,000, and you'll start to believe that a miracle is happening. Plus, we have seven of the top ten albums making their debut this week. It just might be divine intervention. Or maybe artists just stopped making crap. Either way, we've got an egg-cellent Billboard Chart this week, so let's get to the egg-xamples before I'm forced to continue with this egg-tremely eg-gay play on words.
It's an Easter theme this week. Grab some chocolate, break out the hard-boiled eggs, and pray this doesn't get out of hand...
1) Tim McGraw Let It Go (325,000 copies sold) - With an amazing 325,000 records sold, it's gonna be a Good Friday for Tim McGraw. Plus, he gets to put his candy in Faith Hill's Easter basket. I don't know if that even makes sense, but whatever, you get the point, he's rich and he's married to Faith Hill.
2) NOW! That's What I Call Music 24 (230,000) - Fergie, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, The Fray, Nickelback, Snoop Dogg, and Akon. It's hard to Passover a CD with that kind of lineup!
(Sorry, had to include a little something for our Jewish readers.)
3) Young Buck Buck The World (140,000) - The phrase "Buck The World" is clearly a shot at Young Buck's naysayers. Now, few people know this, but as Jesus was ascending to Heaven on the original Easter Sunday, he actually gave an impromptu speech against his naysayers. It went something like this (and I'm paraphrasing here): "Uh-huh, yeah, what... y'all thought ya could hold me down... but I'm the Lord, son... I'm-a rise again... ya heard?... yeah what... FishBread Records takin' over in the ‘00/Negative ‘01!!! Holla!!!! J-J-J-J Unitttt!!!!"
4) Mims Music Is My Savior (78,000) - Upon seeing the title of Mims' album, God responded, "Fine, fuck you then."
5) Akon Konvicted (67,000) - Akon has had a monster year. He should really go to church this Sunday and give thanks for all his blessings, because there have been many. The guy produced a colossal hit album, plus hit tracks for a slew of other artists. I think he even produced the hard-boiled eggs and kielbasa that's currently sitting in my fridge for Easter breakfast. That kielbasa's got a sick hook.
(PS - Akon just wants to love you. God just wants to love you. Akon owns a diamond mine. God owns Heaven. Akon collaborates with Gwen Stefani. God collaborates with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Advantage? God. But not by much. By the way, I'm sick of the Holy Spirit getting no respect. The rest of the Holy Triumvirate gets mad props, but no one ever mentions the Holy Spirit. If I were the Holy Spirit, I would get a new publicist ASAP.)
6) Daughtry Daughtry (66,000) - Daughtry impressed audiences and gained a massive following on "American Idol." Then, after it was assumed he would die off in a post-Idol career, he rose again to sit atop the Billboard Charts for many weeks. Sure, he's sometimes overexposed, and he has many haters who think his influence on the music world is too strong, but he's also got devout followers who believe in the power of his lyrics. He reminds me of another man who once graced the Earth. That man was a Jewish carpenter. In fact, you might have heard of him. His name was Michael Lipshutz and he did door and window moldings out on Eastern Long Island. Dude was great with a polyurethane brush but he did way too many of those horrible late-night cable ads. Anyway, he died in a tragic caulking accident back in 2004. It was terrible. I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry.
7) Good Charlotte Good Morning Revival (66,000) - Good Charlotte's credibility with prominent music critics is like the Easter Bunny. It doesn't exist. But in spite of the critics, they've hopped up to #7 this week.
8) Joss Stone Introducing Joss Stone (58,000) - Joss Stone's album is like an Easter Egg hunt; It's fun for the whole family. Plus, once it's over and you realize how much you've digested and how much you enjoyed it, you start to feel kind of sick.
9) Elton John Rocket Man: Number Ones (49,000) - If Elton John's Greatest Hits album was an Easter basket, "Tiny Dancer" would be the giant chocolate bunny, "Daniel" would be a Cadbury Cream Egg, "Rocket Man" would be a bag of Hershey's Kisses, and the rest would be those things with the hard crunchy shell that everyone tries to trade off for another Cadbury Cream Egg.
10) Jennifer Lopez Como Ama Una Mujer (48,000) - Jennifer Lopez's all-Spanish album made a surprising debut at number ten this week, and I think we all know who's responsible... Jesus!!!
That's right, Jesus Sanchez, Jesus Martinez, Jesus Santiago, Jesus Hernandez, Jesus Mencia, Jesus Cortez, Jesus Orlando, Jesus Gonzalez, Jesus Rodriguez, Jesus Fernandez, Jesus Castillo, and of course, Jesus Smith (his father is Welsh).
Ladies and gentlemen, the top ten Billboard Albums for the week of 4/5/07! Happy Easter!! See you in Hell, motherfuckers!!!
[Other notables: Redman Red Gone Wild #13 (44,000); Stevie Nicks Crystal Visions... The Very Best Of Stevie Nicks #21 (34,000); Mika Life In Cartoon Motion #29 (30,000); Jack Ingram This Is It #34 (26,000); Macy Gray BIG #39 (23,000); Kaiser Chiefs Yours Truly, Angry Mob #45 (17,000)]
Total album sales: Up 4.7% from last week; Down 15.4% compared to last year
