[by iDrew]

 

 

 

I would like to think of YouTube as a happy place. I know that I can go there anytime I get an urge to watch that Rihanna video, reflect on the good times with the Britney Spears Superbowl Commercial for Pepsi, or go full out nostalgic with some retro TV theme songs. Pretty much the best place ever, right?

 

Recently, while perusing this video site of aforementioned greatness, I decided it was long past time I checked out that Soulja Boy video which has been getting so much attention lately. What I stumbled upon was this video of Soulja Boy himself, with a small legion of adoring dancers at the bottom of an empty pool teaching me everything I needed to know in order to 'Crank That' all by myself! Too good to be true...or so I thought.

 

I also learned I definitely wasn't the first person to find this How-To video, and was more than a bit shocked by the "related" videos that popped up. While I fully expected to see kids showing off their new found skills at Supermannin' hoes, I had no idea that there would be such a huge number of...well...white people doing it...specifically the suburban adolescent kind. Having grown up in Westchester, NY, possibly one of the whitest places ever, I've witnessed first-hand the gravitation to and curiosity for urban culture from my peers. Posting a video of yourself executing a hip-hop dance of respectable difficulty for the entire world to see is nothing like the old days when we learned all of the lyrics to Gangsta's Paradise to rap at our lunch tables while sporting faux-rows (don't bother checking Urban Dictionary...it's my newly coined expression for Caucasian corn rows).

 

This unprecedented viral spread of this new dance (which ditched even the Macarena in the dust) left me dumbfounded. I knew what I had to do. I had no choice but to research Soulja Boy's suburban epidemic. Below we look deeper into this phenomenon, studying what happens when kids are left alone without parental supervision and with webcams at their disposal. The evidence in a word is: shocking.

 

Enjoy, but don't enjoy too much, pervs. Chris Hansen is watching.

 

 

15) One White Girl

 

This girl has also embraced her white-ness, as she's voluntarily tagged the video with "white" and "prep". She demonstrates pristine execution, enthusiasm, and a clear understanding of the subject matter. She's doing fine until the freestyle around 1:30 in. She bounces back though. A for effort.

 

 

 

14) Lots of White Girls

 

I always assumed this was exactly what happens in girls' locker rooms. Now there is video proof.

 

 

 

13) Two White Girls

 

Parents really let their young daughters walk around in shorts like this? These girls get brownie points for digging out their old super soakers for a great gag. Someone should probably tell them that Soulja boy isn't rapping about super soakers. Actually, scratch that. No one should tell them. Ever.

 

 

 

12) Two and a Half White Folk

 

A boy girl duo. This is pretty much what the Donnie and Marie show would be like if they started from scratch today. She's a little bit country, he's a little bit rock and roll gangsta.

 

 

 

 

11) Two White Girls. Wasted.

 

Girls Gone Wild Soulja Boy. The girls in this video claim to be wasted, thought they don't look like they're anywhere near 21. Oh well, better that Soulja Boy get a hold of them than Joe Francis.

 

 

 

 

10) Southern Fried White Girls

 

You might want to check this site before you get to attached to this video. Even then, only focus your eyes on the right side of the screen. Right side, Sparky!

 

 

9) Crazy Ass White Girls

 

From the "Crazy ass white girls dancing" department. If these girls' parents ever find this video, their asses will land in boarding school sooo quickly.

 

 

 

8) White Girls, Now with 30% Less Clothing!

 

The one on the left has a laugh that will make nails on a chalkboard sound like a lullaby.

 

 

 

7) No Pants, No Shoes, No Souljaboy White Girls

 

 

I was initially disgusted by this video. The puffy jackets and the boy short underwear is so, so um... trite. The ending is pretty awesome though.

 

 

 

 

6) Loud & Obnoxious White Girls

 

It's not confirmed, but we think the girl in a white shirt might not dancing, but rather suffering from a seizure. Or she's seen one too many episodes of Elaine dancing on Seinfeld

 

 

 

 

5) Three White Dudes

 

Johnny Popped-Collar (furthest left) and his fellow banditos have mastered the ancient art of SDD, or, self deprecating dance. Funnier than the dance itself is the open admission in the videos YouTube tags (with the words "honkey" and "cracker") that they are the whitest thing since white bread...or marshmallows. Yep, marshmallows.

 

 

 

 

4) Three White Girls

 

These girls seem to have the hang of it, but their moves are a little static for my liking. Regardless, they should probably try to line up a group date from the boys in the video above.

 

 

 

 

3) We're Soooo White Dudes

 

From Wikipedia: Snow blindness is a painful condition, typically a keratitis, caused by exposure of unprotected eyes to the ultraviolet (UV) rays in bright sunlight reflected from snow or ice.

 

It can also be caused by staring too long at these dudes without their shirts on.

 

 

 

 

2) White Girls Gettin Down

 

The girl on the right goes a little too Broadway with it, but ya know what? These two really get it. Good job.

 

 

 

 

 

1) #1 White Girl!

 

Is this girl actually doing the Souja Boy dance?

A: No, she needs to do less robot and more superman
B: Yes, she shows mastery of cranking that and even hints of the classic thunderclap.
C: Who cares? She's hot.

 

 

 

I've laughed at, cried over, and smiled along with these kids, who have proven to me that Soulja Boy isn't just some flash in the pan rapper. His moves and marketability transcend even the "Men In Black" dance. In fact, Soulja Boy is the next Will Smith. All we have to do now is just sit back and wait for the networks to give him a primetime TV show.