When I was growing up, reading Nintendo Power magazines, firing turtle shells at my friends' go-carts, and digitally ripping out people's spines, I never would've imagined that I'd see the day when two rock 'n roll video games were competing against each other for the hearts of video game players. I mean, you can't even decapitate anyone in these games.
Yet here we are. Guitar Hero III came out a week ago, and has already sold lots and lots of copies. On November 20th, GHIII's competition will arrive in the form of the game Rock Band. So which will be better? From Billboard:
Game industry analysts almost uniformly predict that "Guitar Hero" will sell more copies as a result of its earlier release date and established franchise as well as its lower price (about $70; "Rock Band" costs $170) and broader availability. ("Rock Band" is limited to PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360, while "Guitar Hero" includes both platforms plus the popular Wii and older PlayStation 2.)
How the fuck do you become a "game industry analyst," and why did no one tell me about that career when I was 12 years old? I would've dropped out of school to begin an apprenticeship, and my dissertation on how to beat the Indian dude in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out would've been Nobel Prize worthy.
Anyway, enough about my suddenly-disappointing life. Let's focus on these rock 'n roll games. I've never played either, so in order to make a decision, I immediately checked out the soundtracks. Here is the soundtrack to Guitar Hero III, and here is the soundtrack for Rock Band. Both are pretty solid, although I don't like the idea of having to play "Devil Went Down to Georgia" to win GHIII. It's Guitar Hero, not Fiddle Hero. Rock Band gets bonus points for including the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage," possibly the greatest song ever when it comes to getting people fired up. The clincher, however, is the vast difference in price. Why pay $100 extra for Rock Band when you can get Guitar Hero III -- the established franchise -- for $70? How much better could Rock Band possibly be?
In related news, I played that Wii Bowling game once, and my shoulder hurt for like 2 days afterwards. You have to be in shape to play that game. It's obvious that video games are the new real life, so my advice to all you kids out there is to practice either of these guitar games as often as possible. Don't worry about what your parents or Allen Iverson might say. Practice!! Spend 8-10 hours a day practicing Guitar Hero or Rock Band. These pseudo-guitar playing skills will be highly-coveted by 2020, I promise you. Kids in 2025 will be playing Guitar Hero XXVII and then doing lines of coke while fighting off groupies. High school students in twenty years will attend pep rallies for Friday night's Battle of the Bands, featuring a special performance by the 4'11" kid with thick glasses who sits next to you in Biology class. Brad Pitt's kid will be in the bleachers observing in envy while saying, "Man, I wish I didn't suck at video games!" Children, embrace the future now, or you'll be one of those losers who had to join a real band.
