If you're a classic rock fan, there are tons of historic sites you can visit across this great country of ours. You can go to St. Marks Place in New York City and see where the cover of Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti was captured, then drive cross-country to L.A.'s Sunset Strip, checking out famous landmarks all along the way.
But what if you like emo music? There are few recognized landmarks for the devout emo fan to visit. Or at least, there were... until now. We've mapped out an official Emo Road Trip Across America, so that emo fans can pay homage to some of the locations that helped shape the genre.
Since there's a 90% chance you'll be traveling this Emo Road Trip in the backseat of your mother's minivan, we've also included a tourist attraction for mom in each city. Let the trip begin...
Washington, DC
The emo road trip begins in Washington, DC, at the famous 9:30 Club. It was in this club (and other local establishments) that the DC hardcore/punk movement began back in the 1980s. Minor Threat, Fugazi, Rites of Spring and other area bands went on to great success, in the process laying the groundwork for what would become emo music. While you're here, make sure to say hello to the remaining hardcore punk fans, who will tell you that emo is "fuckin' gay" and that it's a disgrace to include bands like Minor Threat and Fugazi in any emo-related conversation.
While you're here, mom can check out: The Washington Monument
Norfolk, VA - PETA Headquarters
This is an optional stop. Many emo fans live a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle, and might be interested in driving down to Virginia to check out PETA's headquarters. For those of you who think the life of a cow should involve being born, eating some grass, and becoming a Quarter-Pounder, just head north.
While you're here, mom can check out: Chesapeake Bay
New Jersey
New Jerz isn't just a place "where plenty murderz occurz" (reference: 2Pac). It's also a breeding ground for many big emo acts, including My Chemical Romance, Lifetime, Thursday and Saves The Day. And, it's home to the annual Bamboozle Festival, a must-see for emo fans. Be sure to keep your windows rolled up during this portion of the trip; that thing about New Jersey smelling like garbage isn't just a rumor.
While you're here, mom can check out: Atlantic City and/or the diner where the last "Sopranos" took place
New York City
New York City should really be included on any cross-country road trip, but it holds a special meaning for emo kids, as the city is home to Angels & Kings, the bar owned by Fall Out Boy bassist and emo heartthrob Pete Wentz. Unfortunately, chances are you're 14 years old and can't get into a bar, but if you're lucky, you might be able to peek in the window for a couple minutes before the bouncer yells at you and you're forced to retreat to the Subway down the street. New York City is also home to a branch of the popular Fueled By Ramen record label. The main offices of FBR are in Florida, but that's like 12 hours away from any point on this road trip, so screw that.
While you're here, mom can check out: The Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Broadway, Times Square, Central Park, or the Port Authority if she's ever wanted to see a real-life homeless person
Long Island
Long Island is home to a bunch of bands -- including Taking Back Sunday and Glassjaw -- that broke out of the regional scene and went on to national success. It's also home to a lot of dudes like the guy in that "Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs!!" video on YouTube, so you might want to make your visit a short one, before those guys decide to "beat the crap out of the black eyeshadow wearing pansy."
While you're here, mom can check out: What life would've been like had she married a rich guy instead of your dad
Jamaica Plain, MA - Birthplace of Sylvia Plath
Sylvia Plath is considered a major influence on emo poets, making her Boston birthplace the next destination on the trip. This stop would've been Plath's tombstone, but apparently she had to go run away from her problems and commit suicide in England, where she was subsequently buried. That might be pretty emo, but it's not very American, and this is the Emo Road Trip Across America, so you can skip Benedict Plath's house altogether if you'd like.
While you're here, mom can check out: Freedom Trail, Fenway Park
Cambridge, MA - Harvard Yard
While you're in the Boston area, you might as well stop by Harvard. It was on this campus that Weezer front man Rivers Cuomo wrote much of the Pinkerton album, one of the landmark albums that helped shape the current state of emo music (Note: diehard emo fans might argue that Pinkerton isn't actually emo, but since when has anyone ever paid attention to emo fans?). Pay special attention to the Asian girls on campus; every three Asian girls represents one memorable Weezer song. Yes, that's right, contrary to popular belief, half-Japanese girls only did it to Rivers 33.3% of the time.
While you're here, mom can check out: The admissions office, where she'll attempt to sweet-talk the administration into accepting you through early enrollment, only to come to a harsh realization and eventually head over to UMass-Boston
Cleveland, OH - Alternative Press Headquarters
Once you've gotten your fill of Boston, it's time to fire up the minivan and drive to Eastern Ohio. Located in Cleveland, AP Magazine is one of the innovators of the genre, so you'll want to swing by their offices during your voyage. There, you can engage in conversations about underrated emo bands, or why the Goin' South soundtrack is the worst fucking thing ever.
While you're here, mom can check out: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's Cheap Trick exhibit
Columbus, OH - Headquarters of Elmer's Products, Inc.
In addition to their world-renowned glue, Elmer's is also the company that makes X-Acto blades.
[Important Note To All The Parents Reading This: Despite misconceptions, only a small percentage of emo kids actually cut themselves. The term "emo" refers to a music-based culture and has little to do with X-Acto blades, cutting, or any other method of self-harm. Bad news though: Your kid is one of the cutters. Yes, you. Seriously, why are you still on the Internet? Your crazy kid is slicing himself up right now.]
While you're here, mom can check out: The Columbus Zoo & Aquarium
Chicago, IL
Chicago is home to two important stops on the Emo Road Trip. First, head over to Victory Records, perhaps the most influential label within the genre, to play "ring and run" with Tony Brummel. Then, it's off to Clandestine, manufacturer of emo-friendly hoodies, where for just $85 you can look like it's laundry day. While you're there, make sure to ask the Clandestine people what Pete Wentz is like. Seriously, they rarely get asked that question, and love when people bring it up.
While you're here, mom can check out: Oprah
The Midwest
Since the next destination on the trip is all the way out in California, you may want to stop off in a random Midwestern town. There, in addition to taking a piss and getting some McDonald's, you can check out the influence of emo on rural America. The first place to go is the local mall, where you can stop by Hot Topic. Not like you actually shop there*. The second stop is at the local Midwestern TV station, where you can watch an attractive 30-year old blond chick report on the "Dangers of Emo" and how every emo kid is an unstable, self-harm-inflicting, all-black-wearing menace who will eventually listen to a Marilyn Manson song and decide to shoot up his school. This will be followed by stories titled "A Look At This Year's State Fair Butter Sculpture" and "Is It Really Safe For Your Kids To Use [Random Household Appliance]?"
While you're here, mom can check out: A stand on the side of the road that sells corn-on-the-cob and illegal fireworks
[*A colleague told me that emo kids would find this joke hilarious.]
Cupertino, CA - Apple Headquarters
One of the most important inventions for all music fans, including fans of emo, is the iPod. By putting in your iPod's headphones, you can drown out the sounds of an evil, repressive world while secretly listening to that Mariah Carey Christmas song and hoping it's quiet enough so that the guy next to you can't hear.
While you're here, mom can check out: Henry W. Coe State Park (home of the Golden Eagle and Pacific Gopher Snake)
Los Angeles, CA
The final city on the Emo Road Trip might also double as the most important. The City of Angels is home to several attractions, including Tim Burton's house, L.A. Ink, and the famed Paramour Mansion. You might even want to stop by Ashlee Simpson's house, too... you know, to egg it. Spend a few days in L.A., and you'll get a feel for the SoCal lifestyle that spawned The Warped Tour. You'll also get a feel for unemployed actors, who call you "brah" and try to give you a copy of their acting reel. They're not part of the tour. They just want money. Try not to make eye contact.
While you're here, mom can check out: Hollywood Walk of Fame, Mann's Chinese Theater, Walt Disney Concert Hall, the Pacific Ocean, anywhere else not named "Compton"
The Internet
After completing the Emo Road Trip, it's time to return home and immediately log onto the Internet to complain about the misconceptions and stereotypes that emo kids have to deal with on a daily basis. Including this article. Now go write a poem about it, crybaby.
While you're here, mom can check out: CuteOverload.com
