'What If It Was Tom?': Black Crowes vs. Maxim

If you haven't heard, there is some recent controversy surrounding a Maxim review of the new Black Crowes album, Warpaint. A writer for Maxim reviewed the album and gave it only 2.5 stars out of 5 while saying that Warpaint lacked growth from the Crowes' previous works.

So what's the big deal? Well, it turns out the Maxim writer never listened to the album. Needless to say, the Black Crowes weren't happy. At first Maxim issued a statement brushing off the incident, then they tried to say the review was really an album preview, but when pressed, the magazine finally apologized. Here is what Maxim said:

It is Maxim's editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine and we apologize to our readers.

This apology was not good enough for the band. From a Black Crowes press release:

It comes as no surprise that Maxim has elected to apologize to their readers now that the world has been informed of their deception; however, that is not full accountability.

I'll be honest, Maxim's apology seems pretty good to me. When controversy abounds, most people try to pass the blame. But Maxim admitted they were wrong and apologized. What more do you need? Still, it seems like there's a new controversy every week, and it always ends with someone apologizing. Just once, it would be nice if someone stood by their actions instead of apologizing to avoid any bad press.

And that brings us to a new segment on Shoutmouth called "What If It Was Tom?"

What if I was a representative for Maxim and had to issue an apology for this incident?

I think the story would go something like this...

***

From the Associated Press

Friday, February 29

NEW YORK - Rock group The Black Crowes are furious with Maxim after the men's magazine published a review of the band's new album Warpaint without listening to the CD.

Said a rep for the Crowes, "this horrific act exemplifies ignorance on the part of Maxim, and is a direct insult to all artists and their eternal craft to create visionary art, free of reprehensible reviews from uninformed writers."

Maxim representative Tom Z held a press conference today and issued the following statement:

Seriously, what the fuck are they bitching about? Alright, our writer didn't listen to the CD. Whatever. He gave them 2 and a half stars. That's about what they would've gotten anyways. Rolling Stone gives every album 2 and a half stars, but I don't hear anyone complaining about them. But hey, they're just the most respected music magazine in the world and we're a magazine about hot chicks and beer, so I can see why you would want to hold us to a higher standard. And has anyone here ever read a review? Like, any review, ever? They never talk about the music. They just give a history of the band, name drop a couple producers, quote a lyric you could find on Sing365.com, throw in a couple silver-dollar words to look smart, and then pick a random number between 1.5 and 4. You don't need to hear the record to do that. Hell, you want a review of the new My Chemical Romance album? What's that? It won't be out till 2009? Doesn't matter. I'll get you that shit in 5 minutes. "After the grandiose production of their last album... blah blah blah... stripped down rock sound... blah blah blah... 3 stars." There you go. What. You think anyone even read that Black Crowes review? No, they were staring at the tits on that chick from the CW Network.

Mr. Z then exited the stage accompanied by three bikini-clad models, while drinking from a bottle of Bacardi Limon. His publicist later added, "Tom wants to make it clear that he is an avid fan of the Black Crowes' work, especially the song 'Twice as Hard.' However, he is a man of principle, and he feels it was unnecessary for famous musicians to complain to this degree about an ultimately meaningless ranking in a non-music publication. Also, he's kinda sick of hearing dudes in bars with acoustic guitars covering 'She Talks To Angels.'"

Warpaint will be released on March 4th. Today, Maxim magazine released it's "official" review of the album, which read as follows:

Hey everyone, the new Black Crowes CD is out. The band gave us a copy of the CD today. They also gave us AIDS. Then they said we could give one of the two back.

 

We're gonna need a minute to think about this one.

 

Zero stars.

A representative for the Black Crowes could not be reached for comment.