Albums
Welcome, everybody, to another week of the Billboard Charts. This week, singer-extraordinaire and alleged pisser R. Kelly's Double Up has debuted as the top album in all the land. Jason Aldean debuts at #4 with his country smash, Relentless. Amy Winehouse climbs from outside the top ten into the sixth position thanks to a $7.99 sale on her CD at Best Buy. Wow - it's like, you lower the price of your album and more people buy it! Who'da thunk it?
Today, because he has the #1 album and because he's a hero around this office, we offer up a Shoutmouth Salute... to R. Kelly! Yes, I stole that from "Home Improvement." Deal with it. Anyway, you're probably expecting some jokes about 14 year old girls or a "Trapped in the Closet" parody, but I'm far too classy for that sort of thing. I honestly want to salute R. Kelly, because he has an amazing talent unique to him and him alone. The man can write a love song about anything. Absolutely anything. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out the song "Sex Planet," which I've posted below.
I'm guessing this song came to fruition when R. Kelly was sitting with a bunch of friends.
FRIEND: Yo Kels, I bet you can't write a sexual song about astronomy.
R. KELLY: Wanna bet, mothafucka? I'll have that shit out next week!
And thus, "Sex Planet" was created. With lines like "Gonna get you so excited once I taste your Milky Way" and "Don't trip, I got a giant rocket, gliding through, gonna hit your pocket," it's clear the man can make anything sexual. I'm thinking, this should be a game show. Forget "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"... I want to see "Can You Make Things More Sexual Than R. Kelly?" The audience will offer up the most generic of objects, and R. Kelly will spit back sexual verses about said object, creating a new love song each time. Let's say the audience suggests "windows" as the random item. A beat would play, and R. Kelly would bust out verses like this...
Relax baby, I'm-a open you up
I'll twist your blinds til my sunlight gets in
Then I'll close you back up so my love can't escape
Gonna make sure those carpets are matchin' them drapes
Ooooohhh, oohhh baby baby baaaabby
I'm gonna enter your winnnnnndddow!!!!
If that doesn't get better ratings than "Deal or No Deal," then I officially give up.
Here are your top ten albums of the week...
1) R. Kelly Double Up (386,000 copies sold)
2) Maroon 5 It Won't Be Soon Before Long (172,000)
3) Linkin Park Minutes to Midnight (126,000)
4) Jason Aldean Relentless (98,000)
5) Daughtry Daughtry (69,000)
6) Amy Winehouse Back to Black (50,000)
7) U.S.D.A. Cold Summer (50,000)
8) Avril Lavigne The Best Damn Thing (50,000)
9) Michael Buble Call Me Irresponsible (48,000)
10) Ozzy Osbourne Black Rain (47,000)
Singles
Fergie jumps to #4 on the Singles Chart this week with her hey-look-I-can-still-sing anthem, "Big Girls Don't Cry." Carrie Underwood also returns to the top ten with her song "Before He Cheats," and we say goodbye to Kelly Clarkson for the time being (like Arnold, she'll be back). Other than that, not much change.
Let's talk about Chris Daughtry, shall we? First off, the guy is celebrating his 863rd straight week on the charts. Yeah, he's actually been in the top ten since 1991. Little known fact.
But more importantly, his new song "Home" is about... well, just that... going home. Christopher is sick of being on the road and away from his family. Sounds admirable until you realize the guy has been on the road for ONE YEAR. This is only his second single! Even if you count "American Idol," he's been consistently away from home for a year and a half. At the time he actually wrote the song, it was probably under a year. Now, a year away from home might suck big time if you're an accountant, but for a rock star, that's part of the deal. You make a record, then you tour. That's the gig. Like all "American Idol" participants, Daughtry's lifelong dream was to make it big in music. And now, after only one year, he wants to go home? I understand he might miss his wife, but guess what? She can go with him. His album has sold a billion copies... let the wife quit her job and come along on the tour bus. Does he miss the actual house? Well, guess what pays for that house? Nothing personal, Chris, I'm just saying, it's a little early to be complaining about the rock star life. You've achieved your life dream, and it only took a couple years of hard work. Try to enjoy it.
Aspiring musicians, you don't have to embrace touring, but please don't complain about it. Or at least wait until your third single.
Here are your top ten singles of the week...
1) Rihanna featuring Jay-Z "Umbrella"
2) Shop Boyz "Party Like a Rockstar"
3) T-Pain featuring Yung Joc "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')"
4) Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry"
5) Maroon 5 "Makes Me Wonder"
6) Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend"
7) Daughtry "Home"
8) Justin Timberlake "Summer Love"
9) Huey "Pop, Lock & Drop It"
10) Carrie Underwood "Before He Cheats"
See you next week.
