The other day, Britney Spears was ordered by a judge to submit to random drug testing. If she doesn't comply, she will lose custody of her children. Earlier in the week, Britney's manager and lawyer quit, claiming that they were unable to do their jobs. And of course, this all comes on the heels of a disastrous performance at the MTV Video Music Awards in which many believe Spears was under the influence.
Britney Spears has gone through a lot of struggles in recent years, but she isn't the only pop star to endure hardships. Just a few weeks ago, teen idol Vanessa Hudgens saw nude photos of herself surface on the Internet. Christina Aguilera went through a period in her career where she was considered a giant skank and made fun of nightly by Conan O'Brien. Madonna changed her religion and accent a dozen times at least. Whitney Houston... well, she might be dead for all we know.
Many people are shocked when a former All-American pop idol ends up as a scandal-plagued tabloid punch-line. But they shouldn't be, because it has been happening for years. The names may change, but the "Behind The Music" remains the same. Like a bottle rocket soaring to astonishing new heights and lighting up the night sky, only to eventually run out of juice and come crashing down onto the neighbor's roof, thus is the trajectory of a female pop star.
Let's take a closer look, shall we...
The Overnight Success - More so than any other genre of music, pop stars tend to go from obscurity to superstardom very quickly. Sure, they might put in years of hard work, but the public never sees any of it. You can follow a band around and watch them gradually build a fan base, but you can't watch a young pop singer as they practice dance moves in a private studio. So when pop stars break through, they go from being completely unknown to ridiculously popular almost overnight. That can be a lot for any young woman to deal with, leading to future problems (keep reading).
The "I'm Saving Myself For Marriage" Phase - Britney started it, Jessica Simpson took it to a whole ‘nother level. This phase usually lasts about one album, possibly two if the singer is exceptionally pure. It includes suggestively tight sweaters and song titles like "Baby, Let's Go to the Pep Rally and Hold Hands." This is a great way to get across a wholesome image to Middle America. However, considering that most women who want to be famous singers aren't all that pure to begin with, that often leads to the backlash that is...
The "Sluttin' It Up" Phase - This usually coincides with the release of the singer's second album, a la "Dirrty"-era Christina Aguilera. The singer's teen years have ended, and she tries to separate herself from the whole "pure" image by going completely in the opposite direction. This involves wearing leather and tons of make-up. At this juncture, half of the singer's female fans turn on her, saying things like, "she used to be such a good singer, but now she's just a skank!" The other half jump to the defense of the singer, saying things like, "she's just showing what a strong, independent woman she is!" Every guy has the same reaction, which is basically, "Wait... who is this Nicole Scherzinger and why didn't I know about her before?!?"
The Nude Photo Scandal - This goes hand-in-hand with the previous phase. When a teen pop star grows up and enters her early-to-mid-20's, it's important for her to let that world know that she's become a woman. The best way to accomplish this is by literally showing off her womanhood. There are 3 accepted ways to execute the nude photo scandal: The leaked sex tape method (unintentional is preferable but intentional works too), the "oops, did I forget to wear underwear in front of the paparazzi?" method, and the "those pictures were only supposed to be for my boyfriend!!" method. However, with this decade's amazing technological advancements, look for future female pop stars to come up with new and inventive ways to show their vagina to the general public.
(Some pop stars choose to circumvent the system by simply appearing in Playboy.)
The "Constant Partying/Tabloid Overexposure" Phase - Once you've had a platinum album and the entire world has seen your vag, there's really nothing left to do but party. This phase usually lasts about two years. The first six months are a warm-up. Then there's a year of hardcore partying in which the singer is repeatedly caught stumbling around in public, slurring her words, and falling out of her dress. In the final six months, the star's partying goes from being a joke to being sad. It's at this time you'll usually find the pop star vomiting in front of paparazzi, feuding with another female singer, and dating a back-up dancer or a guy from reality TV.
Rehab - After a couple years of excessive partying, whichever of the pop stars' remaining family members that haven't abandoned her decide it's time for an intervention. The pop star checks into rehab unwillingly, and spends 30 days chain-smoking, drinking coffee and hooking up with heroin-addict rock stars.
DUI - Somehow, the lessons learned in rehab never last very long, and within 3 months of being released, the singer is involved in a hit-and-run. Fortunately, pop stars are very good at avoiding humans when they drink and drive; they generally end up hitting a curb, a tollbooth, some shrubs, or something of that nature.
Rehab, Part Deux - Usually court-ordered.
Jail - Rehab Part Deux generally goes over about as well as the first try, and soon after being released, you can bet the pop star will be involved in a serious legal incident. Actions that can lead to jail time include, but are not limited to: drugs, DUI, shoplifting, assault, driving 120 in a 40, or weird sexual acts. If the pop star is lucky, she'll be sentenced to house arrest and forced to wear an ankle bracelet. In more extreme cases, the pop star will find herself behind bars, where dozens of butch lesbians will taunt her by making inappropriate sexual advances that cleverly incorporate lines from the pop star's hit songs. For example, when Britney Spears eventually goes to jail, a 250-pound woman named Regina will yell at her, "I'll hit that, baby one more time!"
The "Tanked Album Followed By A Relapse" Phase - Once a pop star is released from prison, it's time to make a comeback album. This is usually when the pop star turns to a more subtle, pensive type of music, in order to teach young girls the lessons that they were forced to learn through trips to rehab and jail. Those young girls will inevitably react by saying, "what is this?!? I can't dance to this shit!!!" The album tanks, the singer goes back to drugs and alcohol and bottoms out in life.
Mental Breakdown - Brought on by years of drugs, alcohol, stress and frustration over the celebrity lifestyle, the pop star completely loses her shit and starts acting totally crazy at all times. If the pop star has a good publicist, people will call her a "diva." If not, people will call her "insane."
Death - This one is pretty self-explanatory. The pop star dies, and then public opinion shifts from "she's the biggest skank in history!" to "she was America's Sweetheart, what a tragedy!"
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Pop stars have their problems, but they never die!!" Yeah, not yet they don't. But think about it... the pop stars of today are continually raising the bar. There was a time when frequent drinking binges were enough to garner heavy tabloid attention. Then DUI's became increasingly popular. Next thing we knew, everyone was going to rehab. And now, we're seeing young females wind up behind bars. There will come a day when that's simply not good enough, and an aspiring pop star will have to raise the bar in order to get her name in the press. So what could possibly be worse than jail time? Well, how about these options...
-Biker Gang: Imagine if Lindsay Lohan joined a biker gang. One moment, she's releasing songs about her strained relationship with her father, and the next moment she's breaking beer bottles over dad's head while surrounded by a crew of 30 dudes with fu-manchu's.
-Vietcong Torture Prison: Not sure if these are still around, but I'm sure you could resurrect one with a little effort (or find a similar torture camp in some 3rd world dictatorship). You think Paris Hilton's trip to jail was rough? What if she had to suffer through Chinese water torture every day? People would love it, and her agent's phone would be ringing off the hook.
-Internment Camp: Along those same lines, what about bringing back internment camps? Sure, they were terrible when the government was using them for racially-based containment in the 1940s. But when it's using them to teach pop stars a lesson? They're fantastic! I know what you're thinking. "Pop stars are divas, and they'll make terrible forced laborers." Don't worry. A few pistol-whips to the skull will take care of that problem.
-Coma: Look at how much press that Terry Schaivo lady got, and she was a total nobody. Imagine Britney Spears in a coma; the tabloids would literally blow up.
These things sound awful, but you have to remember, it's great publicity for the pop star. You don't practice your dance moves for hours in a dark studio because it's fun. You do it so you can shine when you finally take the stage. Similarly, you don't suffer through jail time because you enjoy it. You do it for the press ops, baby! Once you've established yourself as a pop star, let's be honest, your real job is consistently getting attention. Sure, some fans will keep coming back for the music, but we live in a world dominated by trends and ADD. To stay on top for an extended period of time, you need to keep raising people's eyebrows.
However you break it down, it all eventually leads to death. Death is the ultimate PR move. Not only are you guaranteed magazine covers and front page stories for a week, but a positive spin is immediately put onto your entire history. Now, for those pop stars who don't want to die -- not everyone has the same commitment to success -- there is hope. Once they hit the rock bottom stage in life, they have the option of embracing a new religion, reinventing themselves yet again (including a name change), releasing a new album with an unexpected sound (techno and folk rock seem to be popular choices), and advocating for world peace at all times while adopting children from every country on Earth. It's not an easy road, but hey, nobody ever said superstardom was going to be easy.
So there you have it, the trajectory of a pop star. It isn't an exact science, and some pop stars skip certain stages. But generally speaking, that's how it goes. So in 8 years, when Hannah Montana gets arrested for doing blow off a stripper's ass and driving her car into a lamppost, don't act like you didn't see it coming.
