I understand that musicians are creative people, and as such, tend to think a bit "outside the box." And that's fine. Without this creative streak running through them, they'd not be able to write, create, and perform the music we love, and the world would be a lot less interesting, as places go. That said, perhaps when it comes to things like naming another human being, they should pause, breathe, and realize their kids will have to live with that name for the rest of their lives.
What follows is a list of some of the most ridiculous names that musicians have bestowed upon their children. To give you a clue as to how bad some of these are? Nobody with the last name "Zappa" even made the cut.
Toni Braxton: Denim Cole and Diezel
Here's an educated guess: neither of those kids ever wear jeans. They don't even look at them in stores, lest someone catch them eying a nice pair of "Diesel" denim pants. Way to go, Braxton. How dedicated can anyone be to a fabric, anyway?
Sarah McLachlan – Taa-Jah
Magicians yell "Taa-Daa!" when they pull a rabbit out of a hat.
Sarah McLachlan yelled "Taa-Jah!" when she, well... you know what I'm getting at here.
Melanie Brown [Spice Girls] – Angel Iris Murphy Brown
Really, as far as musician/singer kids go, Angel Iris got off easy. That said, I caught an episode of the show "Murphy Brown" around 3am when I was on a major insomnia jag. And let me tell you: it did not age well. As it goes, neither has Melanie Brown. Here's hoping the kid doesn't suffer the same fate.
Faith Evans – Ryder
Oh, come on now. "Ryder? I barely know 'er!"
Vanilla Ice – Dusti Raine and Keelee Breeze
Yo, V.I.P., you were naming your daughters, not a stripper and a porn star.
Victoria Beckham – Brooklyn and Romeo
Again, we have two porn stars. Brooklyn lends itself to all sorts of porn titles; "I'm Coming To Brooklyn," "Inside Brooklyn," "Ron Jeremy Does Brooklyn"... the list is endless. And Romeo? Dude is set up for a life. Her third kid, Cruz, got off easy for some reason, and may actually be able to live a somewhat normal life.
Chris Martin - Apple and Moses
Apple isn't that bad, though it could be another porn star name.
It's Moses that is particularly interesting, as Coldplay actually has a song called "Moses." This song came out in 2003, and Moses Martin came out, so to speak, in 2006. Chris Martin is in the running for "most pretentious man on earth," both for naming his son after his own song as well as for naming the kid after a biblical dude who parted the Red Sea.
Travis Barker - Alabama
I guess Travis wasn't sure if his wife gave birth to a little girl or a high school football mascot. I hear the Alabama Barker really gets the crowds going in Huntsville, though.
Michael Jackson - Blanket
Okay, the kid is really named Michael Joseph Jackson II [his brother is the first with that name, for the record] this guy actually calls his kid "Blanket." I guess Michael likes to curl up with a nice blanket every once on a while... oh God, this is too easy. Moving on....
Dave Mustaine - Elektra
Nothing like being named after a periphery comic book character, especially after her story was made into a flop of a movie. Though I'm sure he was inspired by Greek mythology, that's not really an improvement, in terms of inspiration.
Curt Kirkwood [Meat Puppets] - Elmo
Being named after a Muppet sucks, but going through life knowing pretty much everyone will, at the very least, ask how ticklish you are -- with more actually just tickling you at all times? If this kid is actually ticklish, he's totally fucked.
At the same time, his full name is Elmo Issac Dylanger Dean Samuel Simbad Soul Kirkwood, so he could probably choose one of his middle names and go by that. Which he surely will at some point if he hasn't already.
Jonathan Davis [Korn] - Pirate and Zeppelin
Here's hoping he has another kid and names it Ninja. Though the kids will fight [as that is the nature of ninjas and pirates], it's the natural progression. Any further kids? Zombie, Robot, and Sherpa.
As for Zeppelin, if that kid has even an ounce of fat, the "hey, get the Led out!" jokes will be unrelentingly cruel.
Erykah Badu - Puma and Fly
With the first, I just want to know if she was paying homage to the wild animal or is fiercely loyal to the sneaker company. It really could go either way. [See Toni Braxton.]
With the second, is she paying homage to the irritating bug? Or saying, "yo, my baby is fly!" Either way... Fly. Wow.
Maynard James Keenan - Devo
Well, if his kid acts up, he'll have to whip it... whip it real good.
Todd Rundgren - Rebop
I liked Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" as much as the next girl, but I bet you Rebop hates that song more than anything on earth.
Andre 3000 - Seven Sirius
His next kid is going to be called Eight XM.
Big Boi - Bamboo
He was going to name the kid Wicker, but was afraid he'd be made fun of because it sounded too much like Wickett the Ewok from Star Wars. Good call on "Bamboo."
Ol' Dirty Bastard - God-Ason and Allah-McCall
Dude, it doesn't work like the whole Jesus Christ and "Jesus" thing that Latino people have going on.
Chuck Berry - Blue
Get it? Get it? Blue Berry. At least the kid probably sleeps on piles of cash to make up for that. No Straw or Rasp for siblings? Chuck really dropped the ball on a nice naming scheme.
T.I. - Ya'Majesty
Yep, this kid should have no issues whatsoever with an out of control ego.
Jermaine Jackson - Jermajesty
He actually did the whole "majesty" thing before T.I., and actually did it better [from a humor standpoint], as he incorporated his own name into the whole mess. At some point in the future, both kids will be in a bitter rapper's feud and probably shoot each other with laser guns, as those will totally exist in the future.
Scott Stapp - Jagger
Deep down, you know he meant to name his kid "Jager," short for Jagermeister, but was too drunk and slipped an extra "g" in there. Lucky for him, people think it's just a tribute to the Rolling Stones front man. Either way, the name sucks or would have sucked for the kid. Then again, any kid that is the fruit of Scott Stapp's loins is kind of screwed no matter what his name is.
