Modern Rock Video Clichés

Over the course of the past several years, hundreds of modern rock bands have made videos. Now, as we all know, the music industry often banks on repetition or clichés. And when so many artists in the same genre are creating videos, you're bound to see some recurring themes.

Here are the keys to making a successful modern rock video...

Play in a warehouse, garage, or other strange location - You would think a band that has found success with a hit single would be playing a show on a stage in front of thousands of screaming fans. But if you're in a modern rock band, it's important that you are playing to absolutely no one in your video. There will be plenty of time in the future to record one of those "fake live" videos where it look like you're playing a live show, but it's clearly the studio version of the song. For now, it's important that you play in a large empty room that serves no other purpose than echoing your singer's inner angst. The more random the room looks, the better.

Windows - You have to have windows in a modern rock video. Absence of windows is completely unacceptable. Windows can be used in one of two ways: Either you can look out of a window and portray the loneliness of being trapped inside your own world, or you can look into a window and portray the loneliness of being excluded from someone else's world. Either way, portraying loneliness by use of windows is critical.

Mysterious Girl (preferably from the past) - You can't have a video without a hot chick; that's just common sense. But in a modern rock video, it's not enough that the girl be attractive. She also has to be surrounded by an aura of mystique. The girl must have some relationship with the band's singer, but it is important that you never reveal exactly what that relationship is. If the girl can perform some sort of mysterious act, such as randomly appearing/disappearing, walking through traffic without getting hit, or crying tears of blood, all the better. This girl can be a present love interest, but it's usually better if she comes from the past. The past is much more mysterious than the future.

Pictures/Photographs - Any modern rock video worth its weight in leather pants has to include pictures. We all know it's impossible to think about an ex-girlfriend or love interest unless you first see a picture of her. It's best to have an entire wall covered in pictures if possible. If not, a small wooden box full of pictures on a coffee table will suffice. Furthermore, at some point in their careers, all modern rock bands should record a song called "Photograph."

Letters - After seeing a picture of a love interest, it's important that you write her a letter. Disregard the fact that the Internet and email rose to prominence in the late-90s and the songs below are all from 1999 or later. Computers just don't express inner anguish like a letter, regardless of how many sad emoticons you use. You have to write a letter. It doesn't even matter if you send this letter. You just have to write it. If you want to show your singer writing lyrics in the video instead of a letter, that's acceptable, as long as the lyrics are about a female.

Candles - Thomas Edison was a smart man, but he also listened to pussy music. Modern rock videos should be exclusively lit by candles. Candles are great for two reasons. First off, they build an atmosphere of despair. It's too hard to express anguish in halogen lighting. Secondly, if you become dissatisfied with your previously-written letter, you are free to burn it using a candle and start over.

A Mirror - Any truly suffering modern rock singer will always look into a mirror in order to re-examine his life.

Water - Once you have re-examined your life and come to a conclusion, you need to cleanse yourself. Modern rock videos should always include water. Ideally someone will look into a mirror and then splash water into his or her face. But it's also fine if you want to jump into a lake or pool of water. You can even walk along the ocean if you prefer. Being near water is good enough. Along those same lines...

Rain - Rain is good because it can show inner despair, or it can let the viewer know that something dramatic is coming up. Bad times in life, climactic moments and instances of intense revelation always happen at night or when it is raining. Nothing critical ever happens when the sun is shining, because as we all know, weather determines the path of one's life.

Driving - A good modern rock video will always include cars and driving. After you've seen a picture of a girl, then thought about her and written her a letter, you're going to want to hand-deliver the letter. Modern rock singers do not use the Post Office. They always drive to the recipient for a personal delivery. Furthermore, driving is a great metaphor for running away from a situation, and this is key (see below). When possible, you should wait for it to start raining before getting in a car.

Running - When you don't have access to a car, you'll just have to get to your destination on foot. Lonesome walking is fine if you're Coldplay, but when you're in a modern rock video, you have to run. How else are you going to get away from your problems unless you literally run or drive away from them?

Alcohol = Bad - Why do modern rock singers have so many inner demons? Well, as I mentioned before, it's usually the result of a mysterious female. But when a girl isn't causing trouble, problems will still ensue as a result of alcohol. Unlike pop stars, modern rock singers do not go to rehab. They cannot simply quit drinking, either. If you are in a modern rock band, and you want to quit drinking, you must first either A) smash a bottle or glass full of liquor, or B) dump a minimum of 10 gallons of liquor down a drain.

Scars - Modern rock singers have more scars than anyone on Earth, what with all the booze and troublesome women. These scars are not visible, rather they are "metaphorical scars." It's important to mention these scars in your song/video so that everyone better understands your tortured past.

Arms Raised/Hands Over Face (to indicate pain) - How does a modern rock singer adequately demonstrate his scars and pain in a video format? Easy. Every modern rock video must include at least one scene of the singer raising his arms in the air or placing his hands over his face, to portray inner torment. Looking upward while forming double clenched fists is a huge bonus. It is a MAJOR negative if you fail to include this.

Mountains - Standing on a mountain is a great way to show that you are all alone in the world. If possible, always end your modern rock video with a panning camera shot of the singer on a mountain top.

Father/Son - This tactic can be pulled off only by a veteran modern rock band. Do not attempt a father/son relationship in your first video, ever. It takes maturity and experience to pull this off. After all, anyone with as much inner pain and anguish as a modern rock singer is generally not believable as a parental figure.

A Forest - Whenever possible, include a forest in your video. I don't know the logic behind this, but it's a time-honored tradition.

EXAMPLES

I present to you, the Modern Rock Video Hall of Fame.

[If you prefer, you can skip the videos and just read. You should get the idea. Although it's funnier if you watch.]