Top Albums
This past week, we welcomed back the most historic TV show of the decade. That's right, "The Sopranos" is back for its final season, and there are sure to be some surprises. And speaking of surprises, we've got five new debuts on this week's Billboard 200 chart. It's a real mob scene.
Today we're honoring all the top artists and the top mobsters in the land. Wake up this morning, get yourself a gun, and check it out...
1) NOW! That's What I Call Music 24 (213,000 copies sold) - The latest offering from the NOW! people jumps from #2 to the top spot this week, thanks to tracks from Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nickelback, and a lengthy cast of other popular artists. Much like with "The Sopranos," it's an all-star cast that can't be beat. The only difference is, on the NOW! album, you don't get characters killed off every week. Although if someone took Nickelback on a little "drive through the woods," I think we'd all be OK with that.
2) Tim McGraw Let It Go (177,000) -One time, a guy told Tony Soprano to "let it go." That guy's dead now. Tim McGraw flip-flops with the NOW! CD this week and drops to second place.
3) Martina McBride Waking Up Laughing (144,000) - A strong debut by the country favorite, who lands at #3 this week. You know what always makes Tony Soprano wake up laughing? When someone pistol whips his daughter's boyfriend. Tony Soprano is not a great role model, FYI.
4) Hilary Duff Dignity (140,000) - Dignity is important in the mob. In the movie Goodfellas, Ray Liotta sold out his people and gave away his dignity in the process. This movie was based on a true story. Nowadays, in real life, his character is a drunken d-bag whose prime achievement is appearing on the Howard Stern show and not being killed. Hilary Duff debuts at #4 this week.
5) Timbaland Timbaland Presents Shock Value (138,000) - Timbaland debuts with a disappointing fifth place showing this week. Shock Value was supposed to be a mammoth hit, and it did move 138,000 copies, and yet it's still considered a disappointment by some due to huge expectations. Hey, it's kinda like "The Sopranos." By the way, what ever happened to that feud between Timbaland and Scott Storch? Is it just me, or has Storch not been heard from in like 3 weeks? Better check the concrete around Giants Stadium. I always knew that Timbaland was more gangsta than he let on.
6) Beyonce B'Day (126,000) - Beyonce jumped from 69th - don't make the joke, it's not funny - to 6th place this week. This ascent was due to the re-release of a deluxe-edition B'Day album, plus videos for several of her songs. Bey also released a duet with Shakira called "Beautiful Liar," which made the Singles Chart. Hopefully her next move will be a duet with Meadow Soprano. And when I say "duet," I mean "lesbian orgy."
(PS - Counting "Beautiful Liar," I believe Beyonce has released 7 singles from the B'Day album. Amazing. This album is so good, even Don Imus bought a copy.)
7) Daughtry Daughtry (98,000) - Daughtry is a made man. He dropped from sixth to seventh this week but somehow managed a 48% increase in sales. This marks his 1,384th straight week on the charts (give or take a few). Daughtry is like Janice Soprano. He's not going anywhere, so you might as well get used to him.
8) Paul Wall Get Money, Stay True (92,000) - In the mob, "whack" refers to killing someone. In rap, it refers to a cheesy white rapper from Houston. Just kidding, Paul Wall's great.
9) Akon Konvicted (75,000) - When called upon, a real mobster has to do his time in the joint. Akon comes from New Jersey, he owns a diamond mine, and he works with everyone. The guy is THIS close to actually being a mob boss. If he ever stuffs Ne-Yo into a meat grinder, it'll be official.
10) Alison Krauss A Hundred Miles Or More: A Collection (73,000) - Alison Krauss is going to make you an offer you can't refuse. A collection of her greatest hits!! OK, you can probably refuse that. In fact, the title of this album is about how far away from this CD you'll want to stay.
Ladies and gentlemen, your top ten albums for the week of 4/12/07. Now, you keep your mouths shut about these or we'll stab you with an ice pick, understood?
[Other notables: Alan Jackson, George Straight and Jimmy Buffet Live at Texas Stadium #11 (67,000); Chevelle Vena Sera #12 (62,000); Larry the Cable Guy Morning Constitutions #16 (56,000); Static X Cannibal #36 (30,000)]
Top Singles
We're back again with another edition of the Billboard Hot 100. There have been a few shake-ups in this week's Singles Chart, which is usually more stationary than your girlfriend in bed. We say hello to Linkin Park, who managed to sneak into the #7 slot in their first week on the chart. That's no easy task. We also welcome T-Pain and Yung Jock in the ten-spot. But most importantly, let's give it up for Timbaland, who managed to debut at #1 this week despite the fact that I'm pretty sure his song has been out for a month now. Whatever. Congrats, Timbo.
Today, I have a question for T-Pain, Yung Joc, and all the other grammatically-challenged artists out there: Are you retarded, or are you genius? I'm asking honestly, because it has to be one or the other. Your song "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')" has only two words spelled correctly, and one of them is "a." You know how many times I had to check that song to make sure I spelled it right? No joke, I went back and forth like 6 times. Why do you spell your song title as though it was written by a third grader? Is that a creative way to stop illegal downloading? If so, that's brilliant. I would never be able to steal this song, because I would give up after the eighth misspelling. Or is being retarded just what's in these days? Is the word on the street actually "wurd?" Cause that's not really too cool.
Oh well. Whutevuurrr.
Here are your top ten singles for the week of 4/12/07:
1) Timbaland featuring Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake "Give It To Me"
2) Akon "Don't Matter"
3) Gwen Stefani featuring Akon "The Sweet Escape"
4) Fergie featuring Ludacris "Glamorous"
5) Mims "This Is Why I'm Hot"
6) Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend"
7) Linkin Park "What I've Done"
8) Gym Class Heroes featuring Patrick Stump "Cupid's Chokehold"
9) Beyonce & Shakira "Beautiful Liar"
10) T-Pain featuring Yung Joc "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')"
See you next week.
