Was a basketball theme ever in doubt for today? There have been a lot of changes on the Billboard 200 since last week, which is fitting, because things always seem to get shaken up during March Madness. This week, in honor of the NCAA tournament, I thought I'd choose the mascot that most appropriately fits each of the top ten artists on the Billboard Chart.
Here are your top ten albums of the week...
1) Notorious B.I.G. Greatest Hits (99,000 copies sold) - Without question, Biggie would be the Syracuse University mascot, Otto the Orange. Check out a picture of Otto here. If that's not enough evidence for you, Otto is also well known around the ‘Cuse for drinking champagne in hot tubs and mackin' on bitches. Plus, we all know that Syracuse was denied a bid from the NCAA tournament, and yet people continue to talk about them. They're gone, but not forgotten. Sound familiar?
2) Arcade Fire Neon Bible (92,000) - First off, congratulations to the Arcade Fire for getting the number two spot. Big win for an indie band. There are a lot of questions here. If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? If an indie band debuts at #2, does the mainstream take notice? If an Arcade Fire fan walks past an actual arcade fire, does he try to save the screaming children or does he stop to take a picture on his Video Ipod to send to Pitchfork? No one knows, and for that reason, Arcade Fire is like the Stanford Cardinal. Is the Cardinal a bird, or is it a tree? And if it's a tree, then why's it named after a bird? These are the questions that haunt us all.
(PS - I once bought a Neon Bible. It was great for when I wanted to hate on gay people in the dark.)
3) Daughtry Daughtry (82,000) - The Daughtry Fightin' Toupees. This should be obvious.
4) Akon Konvicted (76,000) - Of course this has to be a prison theme. Now, a 6'5" rapist doesn't generally make the best mascot. He'd probably make a great basketball player, but not a good mascot. So let's make Akon's mascot the Prison Shank. Not only would it be intimidating to opponents, but it'd be funny to see him try to do one of those flying trampoline dunks and pop the trampoline.
5) Gary Allan Greatest Hits (70,000) - I was thinking about giving the only country artist on this week's chart the Hook ‘Em Longhorns mascot, but after reviewing Wikipedia, I found out Gary Allan is from Long Beach, CA. Yep. I wonder if Gary and Snoop Dogg used to play tee-ball together. Anyway, Long Beach is in the NCAA tournament this year, and their nickname is the 49ers, so I think it would be appropriate to let Gary Allan share the 49ers mascot.
(I'm hoping Compton gets a bid next year.)
6) Relient K Five Score and Seven Years Ago (64,000) - #6?? Seriously?? Somebody owes Zach Braff a thank you card. In fact, we're going to make Relient K's mascot the Reliant K M.D.'s, because clearly they wouldn't have made it into the Big Dance without some help from Grey's Anatomy. The mascot will wear scrubs, carry an acoustic guitar, and constantly be wooing the cheerleaders.
7) Norah Jones Not Too Late (59,000) - We're definitely going to women's basketball for this one. Any mascot we give Norah Jones should probably have the word "lady" involved. Let's go with the Norah Jones Lady Bengals, you know, cause of the Ravi Shankar Indian blood.
8) Fall Out Boy Infinity On High (58,000) - Most 14 year old girls would tell you that Pete Wentz is kind of a mascot already. But that's too easy. A giant bloody heart would be perfect, but I've never heard of that being used as a mascot. At least, not since the Montana A&M Giant Bloody Hearts had to contract their sports department in 1976 due to budget cuts (getting blood dry-cleaned out of a mascot uniform gets pretty expensive). Too bad, that would have been perfect. I'm going to let Fall Out Boy share a mascot with Ohio State. The Fall Out Boy Buckeyes. This is fitting for two reasons. First, Ohio is the emo Mecca. But more importantly - and most people don't know this - buckeyes are poisonous. You eat one, you could die. Now, I was watching this news report from Minnesota, and they said that suicide is like, the most emo thing ever. And what would be more hilarious than committing suicide by eating a buckeye? "I've taken all I can take!! I can't live this life anymore!!! I'm gonna do it!!!! I'm gonna.... eat this buckeye!!!!!!!!!"
(On a related note, I wish Fall Out Boy was a basketball team, just so Jay-Z could introduce them before a game. "Let's go... At starting forward... 5'10"... my boy... Pete Wentz... young P.W.... Holla!... He's here!!!!")
9) Korn MTV Unplugged (51,000) - Korn would normally get something like a bear, but since this is an acoustic album, they need a tamer mascot, like a cub. The Korn Cubs. It's perfect. Plus, it sounds a little like "corn cobs." And that's totally lame. Just like Korn Unplugged.
(Kidding, Korn fans.)
10) Robin Thicke The Evolution of Robin Thicke (47,000) - Evolution, eh? How about the Robin Thicke Chimpanzees? Alright, fuck it, that has a horrible ring to it. Let's go with the Wildcats. Can't have a tournament without at least one Wildcat.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Billboard Charts! Ah, who am I kidding, any ladies stopped reading this 10 minutes ago.
[Other notables: Sevendust Alpha #14 (42,000), Finger Eleven Them Vs. You Vs. Me #31 (19,000), Air Pocket Symphony #40 (17,000), Chimaira Ressurection #42 (16,000)]
Total album sales: Up 2% from last week; Down 19% compared to a year ago
