Real Music Ringtones

In other news, Krist Novoselic is still alive.

In other other news, he apparently doesn't know what "Teen Spirit" is. It seems he took the story behind "Smells Like Teen Spirit" to mean Kathleen Hannah was somehow implying that Kurt Cobain had an odor problem. And as someone who uses Teen Spirit deodorant, shamelessly, I can say this: that stuff works, and it smells nice.

For those who don't know the story, the song title came about when ex-Bikini Kill singer Kathleen Hannah wrote "Kurt smells like Teen Spirit" on a wall. Krist claims this somehow involved "cheap red wine," and started talking, in far too great detail, about Kurt's bathing habits.

I don't know why she wrote it, but I know for sure that Kurt Cobain did not have any odor problems. Even though his place was a mess, he took care of his hygiene. This person would soak in the bath night after night only listening to The Beatles.

No mention of what bath products Kurt used while extensively bathing to The Beatles, but since the band never released a song "Smells Like Mr. Bubble," I'm guessing it wasn't that. "Scentless Apprentice" makes me think perhaps he just used plain water, the thought of him using "Bleach" scares me, and I really don't want to know the significance of "Territorial Pissings."

And let's be honest: why was Krist even discussing this? Seeing as the man has been dead for over a decade, chances are nobody wants to think all that much about how he smells....

Kinda really hilarious.

John Mayer has started a "mlog," which is a blog about his meals. Here is Mayer's reason for doing something so dumb:

Americans are celebrity obsessed, and that obsession shows no signs of stopping. So in an effort to stay on the cutting edge of digital technology and pop culture, I've decided to make the most personal facet of my life public.

My meals.

If I'm correct, America - no, the world - will want to see this.

Thanks John, but I already read about this at CelebFood.com, the hottest new celebrity meals gossip site. Did you know that J. Lo had extra ranch dressing on her salad last night? Sounds like she's eating for two!

This past Monday, John had waffles. With blueberries and strawberries. Surely there is a hidden meaning behind this choice. Could he be back with Jessica Simpson? Blueberries are blue, and John Mayer plays the blues. Strawberries are delicious, just like Jess. I think the message is pretty clear: John Mayer ordered waffles, therefore he's back with Jessica Simpson. And he's about to cover her with butter, cut her up into pieces, eat half of her, and put the other half in a doggie bag to save for later. You heard it here first people, John Mayer is a perverted serial killer who loves waffles! Quick, somebody call the police!

Check this out...

That is the cover for the new Blake Lewis album, Audio Day Dream. The album comes out on December 4th. As soon as I saw this, I immediately looked up one of those weird-holiday calendars just to see if December 4th was "Stoned Astronaut's Day" or something. It's not. However, December 4th does fall halfway between AIDS Awareness Day and the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, so we can only assume that Blake Lewis is trying to provide us with some comedy in an otherwise tragic week. Blake, our country's AID sufferers and WWII vets have asked me to thank you.

[PS - So this is what happens to Aurora Borealis during its 8 off-months.]

It appears that newfangled technology like candles cause a great amount of confusion for Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. And, for some reason, the candles he uses "bleed." But more on that later.

In what sounds like some sort of Satanic ritual, Nick Carter found himself shacked up in a hotel one night. He set up a bunch of candles in a circle [why? he doesn't say] and I guess didn't have any candle holders, as he managed to do $5,000 worth of damage to his hotel room. Not shockingly, the hotel banned him, as their carpeting, television, and other items in the room were damaged by his rampant candle usage.

The best part, though, is Nick's quote on the situation:

"I had them (candles) all in a circle in this room and I didn't realize, 'Oh that's right, these candles bleed.'"

Wait -- what? They bleed? I know they make fancy Halloween candles that have a blood effect, but even the most die-hard goth kids think that's cheesy crap. What the hell was Nick Carter doing with a room full of bleeding candles in circles?

All I can think is he was making an offering to Lucifer, begging the horned one to take his illegitimate son, Lou Pearlman back home. Either that, or he was romancing someone and well, doing it kind of wrong. It could really go either way.

Ah, Nick. What will you get up to next?

There's some writer strike going on right now. I know this because I recently applied to be a scab screenwriter and my new film, Spring Break, will be in theaters next week. It's a romantic comedy about a college kid who goes to Cancun and becomes a paraplegic after breaking major nerves in both his legs while riding the bull at Mardi Gras. He goes into a coma, which totally prevents him from hooking up with this cheerleader, and once he regains consciousness, he has trouble closing the deal with a hot-yet-attainable sorority girl because of his accident. There's a hilarious scene where the lead character's wheelchair brake fails and he rolls off the side of an ancient Mayan ruin. We're in talks with Anna Faris to play the sorority girl. Should be a blockbuster.

But my ambitions aside, there are a bunch of writers out there with nothing to do right now. So, for them, the owner of the Roxy Theatre on Hollywood's famous Sunset Boulevard has offered free tickets to any show.

Said Roxy owner Nic Adler:

People forget sometimes that LA is as small as it is big. We are all a family, whether it is rocking a stage or writing a mind-blowing script. Writers, like musicians, are here to entertain the world. We support artists here at The Roxy, that's what we do.

What a guy. Here is a list of acts that will be playing the venue in the near future:

-IMA Robot

-The B-Side Players

-The Octopus Project

-Links

-The B-52's

-Black Light Burns

-MyEvolution

-Puddle of Mudd

Upon seeing this list, the Writer's Guild of America issued the following statement:

Seriously? What do you think we are, Internet writers?

Just kidding. This is a really generous offer from the Roxy. A little homeless-shelter-y, but generous.

That jerk in the chatroom was right. You will never get to see Lily Allen in her underwear. Sorry, LilyFan47020818.

Yesterday it was reported that Allen would model for the Agent Provocateur lingerie line. Turns out the new AP model will not be Allen, but rather French actress Vahina Giocante. I always get those two confused. I mean, one is a French beauty whose unpronouncable name looks like it might be one of Borat's terms for "vagina," and the other is a British singer with the easiest name ever. How do you not confuse them? They're practically the same human. In fact, they might want to do the Agent Provocateur ads together, just to prove there's not a Clark Kent/Superman thing going on.

Jay-Z, fresh off the release of his American Gangster album, is working with the cosmetics company Elizabeth Arden to launch a line of beauty products. He just couldn't let Diddy have all the glory, could he?

A source says:

It is a really cool time for Jay-Z working with Elizabeth Arden and he is delighted about it.

You know, if Jay-Z wasn't dating Beyonce... Anyway, I'm pretty sure of two things:

1) This story will break the record for "no homo" comments in Internet forums.

2) Like all of Jay-Z's other ventures, he's going to make a ton of money off this.

This is one thing I envy about the hood mentality. No matter what you're doing, as long as you're making money, people admire you. Doesn't matter if you're selling crack or launching a tampon line; as long as you're getting paid, it's all good. Jay-Z, who already has $50 billion in the bank, produces a cosmetics line, and everyone is like, "yeah, you get that paper, Jigga!" Meanwhile, people in the suburbs are always complaining about "selling out." Yep, hood life has its perks. Actually, no, it just has that one perk. The rest is terrible.

(Sidenote: I've never actually been to the hood, so my research is based on Ice Cube movies.)

In less meterosexual news, Jay-Z's new album is streaming online. If you look hard enough, you'll find it. I've only listened a couple times, but it's pretty good.

The Country Music Awards took place last night. I'm not gonna lie, I had no intention of watching, except maybe to see my future wife perform. However, my roommate Ted is a big country fan, and he kept turning it on.

TOM: Why are we watching this? Carrie Underwood was already on.

TED: Shut up, you know you're gonna write about it tomorrow.

TOM: Fine, get me a beer.

And that's how I ended up watching the CMAs. I'm easy.

Here are the cliff notes:

Carrie Underwood: Obviously Future Wife looked beautiful, but she also gave a strong performance. That sounds dirty, and believe me, I wish it was, but what I mean is she sang well. Her performance of her new single, "So Small," sounded nearly identical to the studio version, which is an impressive feat considering her powerful vocals on the album. Carrie won the award for Female Vocalist of the Year. She also took home the award for Single of the Year ("Before He Cheats"). Also, she looked really hot. I know I already said that, but I felt the need to reinforce it.

Brad Paisley: Paisley won the award for Best Male Vocalist, then said, "I've always wanted to win this award at least once." You have to respect his honesty.

Kenny Chesney: Chesney won the award for Entertainer of the Year. Here's what I don't get. Paisley was Best Male Vocalist, but Kenny Chesney, who is a male, was the Entertainer of the Year. Are they saying that Paisley isn't a good entertainer, that Chesney can't sing, or that singing isn't really the kind of entertainment they're looking for out of country singers? Chesney also won for Musical Event of the Year. Now that's the kind of award I'd want to win. All these guys can sing and entertain, but only Kenny Chesney is an event.

Taylor Swift: Is she hot? I can't tell. Of course, she's only 17, so she's still got some maturing to do. I could sit here and break this down all day like I was Mel Kiper, but let's just wait a couple years and see what happens. Regardless, she's got a soon-to-be hit song -- "Teardrops on a Guitar," it's posted below, you pop fans should get yourself acquainted -- and she just won the Horizon Award, which is basically Best New Artist. That's a big deal because, much like with Detroit rap battles, you only get one shot. While accepting the award, Swift held back tears to say "this is highlight of my senior year!" It was adorable. Swift has a bright future with country fans and perverts on the Internet, which as we all know, are the two fastest-growing demographics in America. Congrats, Taylor!

Sugarland: I guess they won some award. Honestly, I don't even know who they are, I always thought Rascal Flatts was Sugarland and Brooks & Dunn was Rascal Flatts. Remind me, which one of you guys is comin' to my cit-ay?

The Country Uniform: ...which brings me to my next point. Every country singer dresses the same. I can tell the women apart, but you could easily substitute any country guy in for another and I would have no idea. You want to be a country singer? You'll need a pair of cowboy boots, tight boot-cut jeans, a Vincent Chase-style tight long sleeve shirt, a goatee, and a black cowboy hat. I watched most of the CMAs, and 98% of the guys were dressed this way. It's the country equivalent of the bare midriff (pop), leather pants (cock-rock), or the house with the Scarface poster in it (rap). In fact, at the end of the CMAs, some deep-voiced guy came out to perform who wasn't wearing a hat, and I actually turned to Ted and said, "wait... who's this guy and why isn't he following the dress code?"

The Politeness: Every country singer is so polite. You don't get any of those Kanye-esque rants at country shows. Everyone goes up there, says something about "what an honor" the award is, and how they can't believe they won with "all the other great people nominated in this category." It made me realize something. Country needs a bad ass. You've got guys like Toby Keith, but even when he's singing about shoving a boot up terrorists' asses, he's really not that bad ass. Country music needs a Happy Gilmore; a guy who shuns Nashville to live in L.A., hangs out with the dudes from "Laguna Beach," dates one of the Kardashians, disrespects the legends of country, calls Dolly Parton a "skank," etc etc. He would be a total dick, but he'd write such catchy songs that country fans wouldn't be able to stop themselves from buying his albums. It would make the genre so much more interesting. Right now it's like the Stepford Wives with twang.

Alright, I think that covers everything. Country music is taking over the world, embrace it now.

She said Madonna was a great businesswoman, but a "joke" when it came to being a "relevant musician." Somehow, Courtney has decided that Madonna "never sings from her gut or heart or intuition," which is her major problem with the pop star's music.

This makes sense -- after all, Courtney Love is a shining example of artistic integrity. Nobody has ever accused her of having her boyfriends, husbands, or other musicians write her albums for her or anything.

*cough*Cobain*cough*

*cough*Reznor*cough*

*cough*Corgan*cough*

Oh, sorry... I have an adverse reaction to artificial indoor heat that makes me cough sometimes. Where was I? Oh yes, Courtney Love, artiste.

Here's her extremely articulate philosophy on how to work, and why she is better than Madonna. I think:

ambition and sass and shrewd does not equal great art- hard work and major dsicipline doesnt equal great art and all of those are great things- i covet them i have great disciplne and i do work like a bionic thing.

This is sort of like the written version of one of those magic eye paintings... every time you look at it, you see something different. That said, I'd really like to know how a bionic... thing... works. For that matter, I'd like to know what a bionic thing is, beyond some random figment of Courtney Love's imagination.

Angels & Airwaves have a new album out this week, called I-Empire.

Since the band began, singer Tom DeLonge has repeatedly claimed that listening to A&A is a life-changing experience. In fact, he said that the life-changing will occur over a period of 30 years (this being year 2 of the process). Listen to Angels & Airwaves, and in just 30 short years, your life will be completely different. If you think I'm making this up, I'm not. Here's the story.

Last week, in anticipation of I-Empire's release, Tom told fans what he thinks the ideal listening experience would be. He said:

Please take a short 55 minutes to enjoy the album. Listen to it blasting from your car, maybe on a hill over-looking a city... and all the while, pretend that the city, as it stretches far beyond the horizon, is all yours for the taking.

Yeah...

I downloaded I-Empire earlier today and prepared to have my life changed. However, I forgot to heed Tom's advice, thus endangering my potential for life changing. Fortunately, I was IMing with my colleague pixie at the time, and she saved me from what would have surely been a non-life-changing disaster.

Here is the unedited transcript:

TomZ: my life is currently being changed
pixie: Haha
pixie: At first, I thought -- oh god, what NOW?
TomZ: first song, not that bad
TomZ: I've only listend to one song
pixie: what I have heard of it... it's a lot better than the first album
TomZ: my life changes have been minimal so far
pixie: 28.7 years before you get the full effect
TomZ: wait
TomZ: my life just changed
pixie: impressive
TomZ: no wait, i'm just thirsty
pixie: that's a change
pixie: wait!!!
pixie: TOM
pixie: you are supposed to be overlooking a city
pixie: on a cliff
TomZ: oh shit
pixie: imagining it is all yours
pixie: you're doing it wrong!
TomZ: I stopped it
TomZ: I'm in a room overlooking a swingset right now
TomZ: that's not right
pixie: seriously, you could actually lower your chances of life change if you don't do it correctly
TomZ: thank god you're here
pixie: maybe you could build a lego city
pixie: and overlook that
TomZ: would that work
pixie: if you can't find a proper cliff
TomZ: what are the rules about this "city"
TomZ: is there a population minimum
pixie: he didn't mention that
TomZ: could I be on a cliff in schenectady NY
TomZ: or does it have to be a major metropolis
pixie: you're definitely supposed to feel like you can conquer the city
TomZ: I can conquer schenectady
pixie: again, not specified... but I think you'll be okay
TomZ: well, what's the point of conquering a city if it's not a city you want to conquer
pixie: maybe you are supposed to start small
pixie: and then build up to say, taking out Tokyo
pixie: 30 year plan and all?
TomZ: yeah, well that's the flip side, I don't want to overextend
pixie: right, you can't just march up to San Francisco and take it right this second
TomZ: godzilla had it all wrong
TomZ: I'm gonna conquer tokyo by listening to angels & airwvaes
pixie: Nice.

I'm off to find a mountain. If you're going to listen to I-Empire, please, be careful.