Real Music Ringtones

Carrie Underwood's perfect guy is me. Granted, I've been saying this for the past two years, but now I finally have some evidence to support my claim.

In the new issue of Country Weekly -- that's right, I read Country Weekly -- cover girl Carrie says that she is not dating Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. That's good to know. But it gets better. Carrie describes her ideal man as such:

I would like somebody who's ambitious and wants to better their life. I want them to always want more and always be looking to grow as a person. I like funny guys, and I like 'guy guys' - guys who drink beer and watch football.

It's funny; Yesterday, as I was drinking beer and watching football, I thought to myself, how can I make my life better? So I got up and made myself a Jack and Coke. I mean, if that doesn't show ambition and a sense of "wanting more," then I don't know what does. Add in the fact that I'm hilarious, and I don't see how Ms. Underwood could resist.

There is one problem, though. Carrie went on to say this:

I drink. But I've never like lost control of myself in any way, and I've never done anything stupid.

We'll have to work on that. But hey, nobody's perfect.

On a final note, Carrie added that she would gladly choose family over the music industry when it comes time to have children. See, this is another reason why Carrie needs to marry me. She can have kids, and I'll be a stay-at-home husband while she continues to pursue her her music career. She doesn't have to give up her passion, and since my passion is marrying Carrie Underwood, neither do I. Carrie makes hit records, I watch "Sportscenter" on an endless loop while keeping an eye on the maid to make sure she's not stealing. It's a win-win. Honestly, I don't know why this hasn't happened yet. Well, I guess I have to meet her first. But other than that, it's pretty much a lock.

Residents of Las Vegas are complaining that a billboard featuring Beyonce is obscene. Apparently the billboard, put up by a Vegas radio station, features the singer in a bikini. Also, just going out on a limb here, but I'm betting it shows Beyonce's armpits as well.

According to NME, one Vegas resident had this to say:

It's obscene. I have my two little grandkids coming over here, and they don't need to be seeing that. You can change the channel on the TV but you can't change that.

She then continued, "back when I was growing up, President Fillmore never would have allowed this!" Seriously lady, move. You live in Las Vegas. Your city actively encourages adultery in its official tourism ads. There are showgirls walking down the street. The cabs have posters of strip clubs on top of them. You go to the supermarkets there and you get a lap dance from a she-male named Trixie. Wait, does that not normally happen? Dammit, I swear I'm going to write a letter to that Stop 'N Shop. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, this is Las Vegas. Beyonce's wearing a bikini. Deal with it.

Protesters have acquired 100 signatures on a petition against the billboard. Unfortunately for them, Las Vegas' other 1,799,900 residents have signed a "Shut The Hell Up Petition," so it doesn't look like that billboard is going anywhere.

A city official has stated that the picture of Beyonce complies with Vegas' billboard code. In other words, it doesn't show penetration.

This past Friday morning, Tom Morello performed for around 3,000 writers who were picketing outside the Fox headquarters.

I'm a big fan of Tom Morello's, but come on. Is there ever a rally where he doesn't show up? If people want to strike because they're losing out on YouTube royalties, then whatever, but is that really protest-song-worthy? It seems like Morello has a bat signal that goes off every time there's a protest somewhere. If I were to start a picket line outside my local Taco Bell, protesting the 25 cent increase in the price of Chalupas, would Morello show up and play? I think I'm going to set something up, just to see what happens. If I could get an acoustic performance of "Bulls on Parade" and a Chalupa, that'd be a pretty solid day.

After posting my highlights of the Country Music Awards, I was informed that Kellie Pickler gave an emotional performance that I had failed to include in my wrap-up. I must have been watching the Heat-Spurs game at the time, which despite not including any ballads about the loss of a mother, did feature a somewhat emotional performance from Manu Ginobili. That guy always plays with heart.

I digress. The backstory to this video is that Pickler's mom gave birth to Kellie at age 18, and then gave her away to Grandma and Grandpa Pickler at age two and fled for the warm shores of California. Pickler's dad is a drug addict who served three years in prison for stabbing someone. Kellie also once worked at a Sonic, so you know, the girl has paid her dues.

This song, "I Wonder," has nothing to do with stabbings or Sonics, but it does have to do with Kellie and her mom. If you don't get choked up watching this video, you have no soul. Some people on the evil, cynical Internet have gone as far as to suggest Pickler was faking her tears to gain publicity for her song. Obviously those people have never had a strained relationship with a parent and don't understand the toll it can take on your heart. Fourteen years ago, my mom made me take out the trash when it was supposed to be my brother's week to do it, so I can totally relate to Kellie's plight.

Before we get to this emotional video, let's take a look on the bright side of things. For every ying, there is a yang, and in this case, Kellie's yang is her grandparents. That sounds gross but let me explain. Kellie grew up and became an "American Idol" finalist. Now she's a successful country artist. Who's to say she would've reached these same heights under the supervision of her mother, an overwhelmed teenage parent? Maybe Kellie's childhood didn't go down the way she had expected, but in the end, things worked out pretty well. Kellie's grandparents deserve a lot of credit. Also, you know who else deserves credit? Her plastic surgeon. Check out the rack. That doctor is amazing.

The feud between Prince and the people who run Prince fan sites has escalated. Now, Prince has released a diss track against his own fans. Take minute to let that sink in.

Here are some sample lyrics:

The only reason you say my name
Is to get your fifteen seconds of fame
Nobody's even sure what you do
I don't care what people may say
I ain't gonna let it ruin my day

It's funny to picture the fan site people standing up, high-fiving and yelling "Yes, our 15 seconds of fame, finally!"

Prince was allegedly upset because people on fan site message boards were criticizing his latest album. It may seem like Prince is being touchy, but how is a musician supposed to create art when DarlingNikki37965837 is calling his album "irrelevant?" How, dammit, how?!? On his diss track, Prince goes so far as to call out a specific message board user, some guy named Weebalicious. I heard Weebalicious posted a brutal message saying, "Prince used to be so so awesome, but now he totally sucks, I don't <3 him anymore, LOL!"

At RollingStone, they checked out some fan reactions to the Prince diss track. Oddly enough, fans were overjoyed, calling this song some of Prince's best work in years. Those are some true fans. I guess when you take into account how funky this song is, plus the lameness of lines like "I ain't gonna let it ruin my day," plus the fact that Prince sings like his balls are in a vice, it's tough to take the diss seriously.

You know, I've always wanted to have a song written about me. And since Carrie Underwood hasn't answered my calls, returned my emails, or acknowledged the burning insignia of my name on her lawn, it might be time to move on to Plan B. Hey Prince, you suck! That's right, and you're short too! Now go write a song about it.

[Here's the song.]

T.I. has dropped his request to host Thanksgiving dinner. The rapper is under house arrest and needs to get his every move approved by a judge, even something as simple as having a few of his close friends over for dinner.

Oh by the way, when I say "a few," I mean 95. I've heard people in the South have a lot of cousins, but that's ridiculous. T.I. allegedly dropped his request because he was sick of complying with the court's orders, which included background checks for each of the 95 visitors.

You know what happened; he definitely invited someone with a criminal record and didn't know there were going to be background checks. It's like when you go to the bar and two guys in your group have terrible fake IDs, and it turns out that's the one night when the bar decides to be strict with its carding policy. Obviously T.I. wasn't smart enough to use the old "background papers pass-back trick." He'll just have to spend Thanksgiving alone, with his TV and his 26 guns.

Lyle Lovett will testify... who's Lyle Lovett?... you know him... he's the country singer with the weird hair... he married Julia Roberts for awhile... yeah, that guy... anyway...

Lyle Lovett will testify on behalf of the MusicFirst Coalition, which is requesting royalties for each time an artist is played on radio. Radio stations claim that the promotion value of radio airplay is enough and they shouldn't have to pay a fee each time they blast the new Maroon 5 jam.

MusicFirst is made up of several groups, including the ever-beloved RIAA. Don't they usually pay to get artists on radio? Now they're trying to pull a 180 and get paid? Weird. Proponents of radio say that MusicFirst is biting the hand that feeds. The Hollywood Reporter says:

By bringing Lovett in to testify, the music industry gives the issue a recognizable face with who commands respect.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahaha

Oh wait, they're serious? Alright, let's ignore the hypothetical question of whether MusicFirst deserves money, and look at this pragmatically. If MusicFirst wins the case, and radio stations have to pay each time they play a song, two things will happen:

1) Radio stations will shut down.

2) The stations that don't shut down will rely more heavily on talk radio and will play fewer songs.

So instead of every city having one decent radio station and 3 crappy ones, you'll get 2 crappy ones and a station that give financial advice all day. Sure, you won't get to hear any new music, but you'll know how to diversify your Roth IRA.

We'll see what happens, but I have to admit, MusicFirst's case is looking pretty strong with Lyle Lockett on its side. Wait, what's that? It's Lyle Lovett? Who the hell is that? Oh, yeah, nevermind, he's not gonna help.

A new study from the University of Pittsburgh shows that one in every three popular songs mentions drugs or alcohol. Hmm, sounds a little low. The study then went on to suggest this is a BAD thing, saying that kids are more likely to use drugs or alcohol because of music.

From Reuters:

[Researchers] looked at the top 279 songs on the Billboard charts in 2005. They found that 33 percent made references to alcohol and drug use.

Well, this study is completely unfair. I mean, 2005, that's right around the time that rappers realized "Bacardi" rhymes with "party." OF COURSE they're going to use that rhyme repeatedly. Rap totally skews the chart, as 4 out of 5 rap songs mention booze or drugs. The percentages for pop and rock music are much lower.

I just conducted my own study, with some help from the University of Having Fun, and our findings were "shut the hell up, doctors." Booze is awesome, and I won't stand for this War on Alcohol any longer. Man, you'd think drugs and alcohol were driving around the country robbing banks and kicking puppies. Don't get mad at the Bacardi Corporation just because anti-alcohol artists can't make a hot beat.

Blake Fielder-Civil, of "Guy Married to Amy Winehouse" fame, has been arrested.

Fielder-Civil is scheduled to go on trial next week for beating up a bartender. According to sources, Fielder-Civil and three of his mischievous buddies tried to bribe witnesses in the case. Police broke down Fielder-Civil's door with a battering ram (really?) and arrested him. Winehouse was out shopping at the time, so unfortunately she couldn't do anything crazy.

I don't get it. So they beat up a bartender. Whatever. I heard he messed up their order and gave them a Michelob Ultra. I mean, what are they, rock climbing or trying to get wasted? A bartender deserves an ass kicking for that. And where was the bouncer in this situation? I once faked a fight in a bar -- we were clearly joking around -- and a bouncer grabbed me and threw me down the front stairs. I bumped into the people waiting in line outside the bar, and knocked over about 4 people like dominoes. My friend Erin fell into the road, almost got hit by a car, and dropped her ID into a sewer grate. It was hilarious.

And the battering ram? Come on. I haven't seen anyone use these type of archaic tactics since Martin Lawrence in Black Knight. And this is totally different, because Black Knight was hilarious, and this is just sad.

So, to sum up: Me getting thrown down stairs? Hilarious. Martin Lawrence? Hilarious. Blake Fielder-Civil's arrest? Tragic.

Sean Kingston -- or as I like to call him, "the bane of my existence" -- has released a new video for his song "Take You There." The song is very Sean Kingston-esque, meaning kids will love it, but adults will go into one of those "What happened to music?" speeches every time it comes on.

The basic idea of this song/video is that Sean Kingston can take a girl anywhere. He's lived in the hood, and he's experienced a life of luxury, so he feels comfortable in either setting. Whether a girl wants to go to "paradise" or "the slums, where killas get hung," Kingston can take them there.

However, Kingston fails to realize one thing. What girl would ever choose the hood over paradise?? "Yeah baby, I'm sick of all this caviar and money, let's go to the ghetto and try to hustle some people in a dice game. You know how danger turns me on!"

Guys, try this: Next time you meet a girl, tell her you want to take her out on a date, and say that you can either go for seafood at the finest restaurant in town or subs at the ghetto mart. Leave it up to her. I think you'll find that half the girls choose seafood, while the other half mysteriously come down with an illness which forces them to cancel the date and never answer their phone again (the rare "Straight to Voicemail Flu"). Zero percent will pick the ghetto, unless maybe you're dating a crack fiend. On second thought, maybe Sean Kingston is on to something. He's not crazy, he's just weeding out potential crack fiends from the dating pool. God bless, Sean Kingston.